ESCAPE INTO THE FUTURE or Looking For the Good Time
Johnny, a felon escaping the law, steals a time machine and goes into the future. To his great distress, he must travel further and further forward, because every future he comes to is worse than the previous one.
__________________________________________
Episode 1
Characters:
Professor
Johnny – a
petty criminal on the run
Chairwoman - a middle-to-aged female
Pam – a female
in her 20’s
Sam – a
female 20’s to 40’s
Kelly – a
male
_________________________________________________
Professor is
working. Enters Johnny.
Johnny
I came about the ad - about the
volunteer to travel into the future.
Prof
Excellent!
Johnny
How I know I get there in the future
in one piece?
Prof
I tested it on cats. I sent them
forward and waited for time to catch up to their time. They appear perfectly
normal. There goes one of them,
see…
The
cat
Woof,
woof.
Johnny
It barked!
Prof
Yes, yes… just a tiny glitch.
Johnny
I guess I’d rather bark than be dead. Let’s do it.
Prof
Excellent, come over here. Get in.
Johnny
How does it work?
Prof
You probably learned it at school, that if you travel faster than the speed of light, when you come back all your loved ones would be dead...
Johnny
I don’t need a spaceship for that – a
story of my life.
Prof
(doesn’t get the irony)
I make every tiny particle of your
body make tiny jumps faster than the speed of light. Very tiny leaps back and
forth, back and forth. Put the sunglasses on, the light gets pretty bright in
there.
Johnny
Send me about a fifty years forward. They should forget about me by then, and if they saw me, they'd never believe it was me anyway, not a day older...
Prof
Oh, no, no! I'm only going to send you a few minutes forward. Otherwise how am I going to know it works on people.
Johnny
Send me about a fifty years forward. They should forget about me by then, and if they saw me, they'd never believe it was me anyway, not a day older...
Prof
Oh, no, no! I'm only going to send you a few minutes forward. Otherwise how am I going to know it works on people.
Johnny (pulls out a gun points at professor)
I'm prepared to take a chance. Where are the controls, how I turn it
on?
Prof
(stuttering, shows Johnny the remote)
I ad-dapted th-the tv remote. S-see the
Power button turns it on or off.
Johnny
(grabs the remote from Professor)
How do I control how far it goes into the
future?
Prof
Th-the f-fast forward button. The longer you hold it, the farther you
go.
Johnny
Can I use Rewind to go back?
Prof
It only goes forward. I haven’t
figured out how to…
Johnny
I want spare batteries for this! Now!
Professor
hands over some batteries. Johnny gets into the Time Machine and disappears.
Professor grabs the phone and calls 911.
Professor
I've been robbed! Please send a detective over right away!
(pause)
A time machine.
(pause)
hello! Hello! Anyone there?
Professor throws the phone, stops around, yells...
Professor grabs the phone and calls 911.
Professor
I've been robbed! Please send a detective over right away!
(pause)
A time machine.
(pause)
hello! Hello! Anyone there?
Professor throws the phone, stops around, yells...
Lights out
Lights on
The chairs
are set in a semi-circle. Everyone is sitting down. Kelly is wearing a dress or
a skirt. Enters Johnny, looks around. Chairwoman points to an empty chair,
Johnny sits down.
Chairwoman
Welcome to Sex Addicts Anonymous. Would someone read the Two Steps?
Pam
(a woman)
Hello, I am Pam.
Everyone
Hello Pam.
Pam
1. We admitted we were powerless over our craving for the opposite sex.
2. Became ready and willing to have
the Higher Power remove our unhealthy cravings.
Chairwoman
Thank you Pam. Who has the Two Traditions?
Sam
Hello I am Sam.
Everyone
Hello Sam.
Sam
1. An uncontrolled copulation of men and women can
only result in a population explosion, causing famine, disease, wars and
devastation. The heterosexual
relationships are a thing of the past.
2. Each of us promises to carry this
message to the perverts at large who still suffer the sick attraction to the
opposite sex.
Chairwoman
Thank you. Who’ll read the Promises?
Kelly
(the man)
Hello. My name is Kelly.
Everyone
Hello Kelly.
Kelly
1. We will feel proper disgust at the
mere thought of intimacy with the members of the opposite sex.
2. The annoying desire to breed will disappear.
3. We will know happiness in homosexual relationships.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work
for them.
Chairwoman
(staring at Johnnie)
If it is your first meeting, please
introduce yourself by first name only.
Johnny
Yeah, okay. I’m Johnny.
Everyone
Hello Johnny.
Johnny
I’m
not into guys. I’m into girls.
Chairwoman
You
are in the right place! Would you like to share?
Johnny
Is
it okay if I just listen this time?
Chairwoman
Of course. Does anyone have a burning desire to share?
Pam
Hello, I’m Pam.
Everybody
Hello Pam.
Pam
I have all A’s, I model, I sing in the
band, and I am on a swim team! There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be chosen! I don’t mean to
brag, but I’m pretty much as perfect as one can be!
Chairwoman
Well, what do we tell her?
Sam
Nine months of misery and ugliness,
the agonizing pain of birth, and then years of being someone’s free caretaker!
Why would you wish that misery upon yourself!
Kelly
So-o-o true… Those chosen by the
Planning Committee are the unlucky ones! You should feel sorry for them, not
envy them! If I were a woman, I’d make sure to do everything not to be chosen!
I’d eat carbs all day, fail all my classes…
Pam
True. But not being chosen makes me feel imperfect, flawed, not
good enough!
Kelly
You ARE perfect! I bet they just have
a temporary freeze on births. You know they do that from time to time, to wait
for a certain number of people to die.
Pam
Oh, I wish they sent like letters of
apology to people, saying, “You are perfect, and if it weren’t for the births
freeze, you’d be our number one breeder of choice. ”
Chairwoman
Yes they should. I’d have enjoyed such
a letter when I was younger.
Sam
I don’t think they should. Because
imagine how horrible it would feel not to get it.
Kelly
Yeah, Sam has a point - it’s better
this way. I’d rather not know and just believe it’s the births freeze.
Chairwoman
(to Pam)
Anyhow... The burden of breeding wa-a-ay
outweighs the honor. You don’t
really want to be chosen, keep reminding yourself that.
Pam
Thanks, I will!
Chairwoman
Who is next?
Sam
I am…
Chairwoman
And you are?
Sam
You know! Well, okay, hello, I’m Sam.
Everyone
Hello Sam.
Sam
Yeah… I’m pretty happy, except I have
a concern… My partner carved like a dick out of a piece of wood, and wants to
us to use it. I keep saying, no, but she says, why not? We love each other, so
anything we do should be okay, and all that. So what should I do? Is it okay or
not to use a toy dick?
Pam
Ouch! Sounds painful!
Chairwoman
Hmmm… That’s a difficult situation
right there. It could be nothing, or it could be SOMETHING. What does everybody
think?
Kelly
Well, I think it should be okay. We use toy dicks sometimes…
Sam
Why would you need to use toy dicks! You have like your own!
Kelly
(a bit embarrassed)
Well, you see, the hormone therapy side effects, they make a dick a bit
soft…
Pam
I don’t think it’s okay for girls to use toy dicks. That could cause
hemorrhoids!
Kelly
I was under the impression you girls used another hole...
Pam
That hole is off limits in all the decent girls!
Kelly
Sorry, I didn’t know…
Pam
Sam, no, it’s a horrible idea! What if
it would make her curious about what it would feel like with a man!
Sam
Never! Diane can’t stand the sight of men!
Chairwoman
I think Sam has a point. I wouldn’t
experiment with things like that. Nature gave us girls a special sweet spot to
use for love... I can see an ex-breeder longing for something penetrating her
to remind her of giving birth, but in that case I’d suggest using a little
rubber doll, never a toy dick!
Kelly
Ouch! Poor breeders! I’d think they’d
want to put that horrible experience completely behind them…
Sam
Thank you so much everyone! Now I know what to tell Diane.
Chairwoman
(to Kelly)
Looks like it’s your turn to share.
Kelly
My name is Kelly.
Everybody
Hello Kelly.
Kelly
(embarrassed)
I had one of those dreams again last
night. Honestly, I never have such fantasies during the day, and I have a
boyfriend, whom I love dearly. Those dreams really upset me! I’m afraid to go
to sleep!
Sam
Have you tried the No-Dream pills?
Kelly
I did, but they make me feel like crap
the next day, all tired and worn out, like I haven’t slept at all.
Pam
Hypnosis, try hypnosis! Get your
boyfriend to hypnotize you before falling asleep. Have him say a bunch of
times: “as you fall asleep you will dream of dicks and nothing but dicks.”
Kelly
Great idea! I’ll ask him tonight.
Chairwoman
Tell us the sordid details of your dream.
Kelly
Right, right… I was on the beach and a naked woman
came over and offered to put oil on me so I don’t get burned. So I said,
“okay”. She started smearing it on my arms, my chest, then my stomach, then
under my shorts. I said politely
but firmly, “Maam, I don’t think I can get sunburned down there, it’s covered”,
and she replied, “the sun rays are so-o-o very hot today, better safe than
sorry,” and she continued rubbing. So I said even more firmly, “Maam, excuse
me, I really don’t think it’s necessary!” And she said, “Oh, it is, it is!” And
the worst thing is, my dick got real hard and then… I woke up and everything
was sticky. I told my boyfriend that I dreamt of him, of course. This is so
embarrassing!
Chairwoman
Hmmm. That’s terrible. Did that woman,
by any chance, look like anyone you know?
Kelly
Actually, she did…
Chairwoman
Who?
Kelly
She looked a bit like… you.
Shocked ah’s
from everyone.
Chairwoman
Well, that’s good, that’s very good!
Obviously your subconscious mind confused your sexual arousal for your
boyfriend with your respect and admiration for me and made sort of a little
mess of it…
Kelly
A big mess…
Chairwoman
Now we know how to cure you. We have
to make you see me more realistically, not like someone you might worship. I am
just an ordinary person, I have lots of imperfections, tons…
Everyone
NOOOO!
Chairwoman
Oh, yes, I am not perfect, believe it or not. For instance, I am a bit
out of shape…
Everyone
Noooo!
Chairwoman
I have a better idea. We use the… What
do you call when you’re training a puppy not to pee on the floor? Aversion
therapy.
Kelly
Great! What do I do?
Chairwoman
We go to my house, to the basement.
You take everything off, except your underwear, just like in your dream. I get
undressed and start rubbing tanning oil on you. Every time you start enjoying
yourself too much, I’ll hit you with the whip, and we’ll keep doing it until
you hate the site of a naked woman. How does that sound?
Kelly
Wow, what an ingenious idea! It’s definitely worth a try. Only…
Chairwoman
Only what?
Kelly
How would I explain the whip marks to my boyfriend?
Chairwoman
True. Okay, no whips. I’ll use nipple clamps.
Kelly
That will work.
Chairwoman
(stairs at Johnny)
Any burning desires to talk? Anyone else needs aversion therapy? Johnny?
Johnny
No, thanks, I’m good.
Chairwoman
Are you sure? Because we want to make sure everyone gets help….
Johnny
Actually, I wouldn’t mind to volunteer
to help Sam and her girlfriend with the aversion therapy.
Sam
Really? That would be awesome!
Chairwoman
(in a somewhat resentful voice)
Any more burning desires?
Let’s hold hands and say a
Serenity Prayer.
Everyone stands
up and holds hands.
Together
Dear Collective Conscious, grant me
the serenity to accept whatever sex I was born, and the wisdom to love only
members of my own sex.
Chairwoman
and Kelly leave in a hurry.
Johnny
(to Sam)
We
had meetings like these where I came from, except we had 13 steps.
Sam
Oh
wow! How could you bear sitting through reading them!
Johnny
I made sure to be late enough to miss
the 12 steps, and the 13th one they never read out loud. But it was
the one everyone thought to himself.
Sam
How very odd! What was the 13th
step and why was it never read?
Johnny
It was: ignore all the previous steps.
Sam
(laughs)
Ha, ha, you’re lying! There is no such
place anywhere!
Sam and
Johnny walk off the stage.
Lights out.
Episode 2: Virtual
Lifestyles
Characters
(in addition to Johnny):
Leo – a man
good at physical comedy/mime
Receptionist
– not a very attractive female
Lights on.
Johnny enters holding his gun at the ready.
Leo wears headset and goggles. He waltzes as if with a lady, leads
her to sit down, goes gets imaginary drinks, brings them back, offers her one,
drinks the other, talks to her small talk.
Johnny comes close, follows him for a bit, examines him.
Leo
(to Johnny)
Not
now Smith! Can’t you see I have a guest!
Johnny
Are
you crazy?
Leo
Smith,
leave this room immediately or you can look for another position!
Johnny
points a gun at Leo
How
about now?
Leo
Put the ladle
away. I don’t have time to taste your cooking. I’m entertaining a lady friend! On the second thought, you
may bring us a tray of pastries.
Johnny looks around puzzled, then pulls the goggles off Leo’s head.
Leo looks around, disappointed and upset.
Leo
Why
did you do this to me! Interrupted my reality!
Johnny
sweeps his arm around
THIS
is reality! This dump!
Leo
Who
would want to be here! It’s dreadful!
Johnny
I’m
from out of town, so I need you to be my guide HERE.
Leo
Could
you please pick someone else?
Johnny
You’re the first
one I came upon, so you’ll have to do.
Unless you want a bullet!
Leo
Okay, fine. What
would you like to do first?
Johnny
You tell me. I
just arrived here. I guess I need an apartment and some money.
Leo
I see. Then we
need to go to the city hall. But
I’ll have to put the goggles back on, otherwise I won’t find my way, everything
looks so different…
Johnny looks through Leo’s goggles
Johnny
It’s
all black! I don’t see anything!
Leo takes the goggles back
Leo
That’s because
you need a brain chip implanted.
Let’s go get you registered for one right away!
Johnny
I don’t want a
brain implant!
Leo
How can you not!
You can’t enjoy life without it! In fact, I don’t think it’s even allowed any
more, not having one. We can’t have miserable people running around outside of
our collective reality! They would be dangerous! Like you! Exactly like you!
Johnny
You mean
everyone here has to wear one of them things and act stupid?
Leo
Nothing stupid
about it! That’s how you live the lifestyle you want! Find perfect love!
Johnny
Does anyone
around here do it for real? Live the life they want with a real live person?
Leo
No-o-o. Well, maybe the President…
Johnny
Do you people
get married, have kids?
Leo
Yes, of course!
I’m courting Miss Paisley. Where is she? Did you scare her away?
Johnny
There was no one
here.
Leo
(disappointed)
Oh… Great! Thanks for ruining my
relationship!
Johnny
You didn’t know
she wasn’t real?
Leo
No, of course
not! We don’t risk finding out things like that!
Johnny
You never take
off the goggles and look?
Leo
No! Why take a
chance on messing with something that works! Now it’s ruined, thanks to you!
Johnny
You’ll meet
another one.
Leo
But I’ve become
very attached to Miss Paisley! I was going to propose!
Johnny
You were going
to marry her not knowing if she exists!
Leo
Why yes! Why
not!
Johnny
What about
having kids?
Leo
Sure, we would
have had kids.
Johnny
Imaginary kids?
Leo
So! Your point
is?
Johnny
You people
should all die out!
Leo
Not at all.
There are couples who are real with real kids.
Johnny
Do they live
together without the goggles?
Leo
Oh, no! A man
could never be happy with someone just being herself! One needs so much more! A
perfect wife should be beautiful, sexy, intelligent, romantic, passionate,
adventurous, understanding, obedient… No one is that great in real life! Plus,
who could be happy in a dump like this? We all want to live in mansions!
Johnny
So when you put
the goggles on you think you live in a mansion?
Leo
That’s right!
Johnny
Hmm. Do you have
a pool in your mansion?
Leo
Yes of course.
Johnny
Let’s go.
Leo
Where?
Johnny
Put these on. I
want to see you swim in your pool.
Leo
(leading Johnny around the stage in a series of turns)
Fine. Will you
let me take my clothes off so I don’t get wet?
Johnny
No. Swim in your
clothes. Oh, and make sure to dive in.
They stop. Leo dives hands forward, then makes swimming motions,
turns around unto his back, huffs, puffs. Climbs out of virtual pool, shivers
as if he is cold in wet clothes.
Johnny
All
right. Now lead me to the City Hall.
Leo
I’m
all wet! At least let me change my clothes?
Johnny
Nope.
Let’s go.
They leave the stage.
Lights out
Lights on
City hall. Receptionist is sitting at her desk, wearing goggles,
filing her nails.
Receptionist
How
can I help you?
Johnny
What
do I look like to you?
Receptionist
Oh,
Mr. Allsome! Could I have your autograph please?
Johnny
Sure baby. But I
want you to describe me first.
Receptionist
All right.
You’re about 6’5”, slim, athletic, have gorgeous tan. You have big blue eyes
and wavy golden hair just past your shoulders. Your shirt is unbuttoned,
showing your six-pack. You’re a wearing a crocodile tooth necklace and tan
shorts revealing your muscular thighs covered with scars…
Johnny
Would you like
to go fuck right now?
Receptionist
I so would! But
my boyfriend would be super angry if I did!
Johnny
Who is your
boyfriend?
Receptionist
The Batman.
Johnny
I see. Too bad…
I mean for me, I’m sure you’re very happy… Say honey, how about getting me an
apartment and some money.
Receptionist
Aren’t you
filthy rich and live in a huge mansion?
Johnny
I am, I do, of
course. But I want to live in your town for a little while, incognito. I’m
tired of all the paparazzis. And I lost my wallet on the way here with all my
wads of cash, credit cards, and my ID.
Receptionist
That’s fine.
I’ll just scan your money chip in your arm…
Johnny
I’m afraid that
chip got bitten through last time I wrestled a crocodile.
Receptionist
Then I’ll scan
your brain chip…
Johnny
(grins)
You see, I hit
my head, so now it don’t work either.
Receptionist
Oh you poor
baby! You must feel awful with your brain chip not working! Let me get you to a
specialist right away to get it fixed!
Johnny
No
hurry. I’m enjoying so much what I’m seeing, I don’t need a chip.
Receptionist
Really!
Johnny
Oh
yeah! I don’t think the chip could improve the view any better.
Receptionist
Thank
you! I sure wish I were single and available.
Johnny
Why don’t you
get me an apartment real quick and help me celebrate moving in? Wouldn’t take
long and no one should know.
Receptionist
But my boyfriend
has this habit of swooping in through the window every time I try something
like that. He always thinks I need to be rescued, whenever I moan.
Johnny
I’ll keep your
mouth so full, you won’t be able to moan. How about it?
Receptionist
Oh… Okay. But
the keys are all locked away. I can’t get one unless I scan your chip. We’ll
have to get it fixed or replaced before we can do anything else. There is
an opening this afternoon, would
it work for you? I don’t suppose you’ll need an anesthesiologist, pain doesn’t
phase you, right?
Johnny
How much pain
are we talking about?
Receptionist
Well, you’re
pretty much all done with the pain when they drilled your skull. Now there’s hardly any pain at all just
to troubleshoot through the hole…
Johnny
Actually this
afternoon is inconvenient for me.
Receptionist
Would you like
to make an appointment for another day?
Johnny
I have a
terribly busy schedule. I’ll pass for now.
Receptionist
Okay, come back
when you have your schedule all figured out!
Johnny
I don’t suppose
you’d consider having lunch with me in a perfectly safe public restaurant?
Receptionist
I’d be
delighted! There is a wonderful little place right around the corner!
Receptionist gets up and leads Johnny around the stage, making a
couple of turns, then brings him back to her desk.
Receptionist
Look, isn’t it
cute? And there is an empty table by the window with the view of the ocean!
Johnny
I
just remembered something important I must do right now… Sorry.
Johnny runs out
Lights out
BIRDS & THE BEES
Characters:
Breeder – a
very out of shape guy
Butterfies
1, 2, 3 – hot gay guys or transsexuals dressed to seduce
Hottie – a
sexy female of the future
________________________________________________
Lights on
Johnny comes
out unto a street in some distant future. A few hot gay guys, all dressed in
bright colors, tight short shorts, skimpy tops, some in skirts, g-strings, etc.
stand milling about – they are the Butterflies (Butts). They all stare at him
with amazement, surround him.
Butt
1
What is he wearing!
Butt
2 (to Johnny)
You’d starve to death dressed like
that!
Johnny
And you’d freeze to death.
Butt
2
Could
he be a drone?
Butt
1
He’s
no drone! Look at the lump in his pants!
Johnny
(to Butt 1)
You
got no business staring at my crotch!
Butt
3 (to other Butts)
Maybe this is a new butch look.
Butt
1 (to Johnny)
Honey, are you a Breeder?
Johnny
When I’m with the right gal.
Butt
2 and 3 together
What! What’s that mean?
Butt
1
No way. He’s too cute and skinny for a
breeder.
Butt
2
Yeah, I think he’s just an extra butch
butt.
Johnny
(yells at Butt 2)
Did you just call me an ass, asshole!
Butt
2
No, no! Butt – short for Butterfly.
Johnny
You called me a bug!
Butt
1 (pushes Butt 2 aside)
I think he has amnesia. I’ll take him
under my wing.
Butt
2 and 3 together
You do that, girlfriend!
Butt
1 (to Johnny)
Come on, follow me.
Butterfly 1 and Johnny enter a room. (Other Butterflies could possibly
follow at director’s discretion.) There is a couch or a recliner, where a
Breeder is lounging with his laptop in front of him. A table laden with snacks stands near. Butt 1 flits to the
Breeder and sits on his lap.
Breeder
Hello
Fluffy. How about you just help
yourself to the snacks. I’m not in the mood.
Butt
Fluffy
You
always say that, and I always get you in the mood, you lazy boy, you.
Fluffy
starts caressing the Breeder.
Breeder looks past Fluffy and notices Johnny. He is visibly excited.
Breeder
(brushes Fluffy’s hands away, points to Johnny)
I
want him! He’s cute!
Johnny
I don’t do boys.
Breeder
What!
Fluffy
I think he has amnesia. He doesn’t
know who he is.
Breeder
Let’s find out!
(to
Johnny)
Drop your pants, let’s see it.
Johnny
Just tell me what to look for and I’ll
check.
Breeder
Hmm, he must really have amnesia. I
sure hope he is a butt.
(points to Johnny’s crotch)
What do you have in there?
Johnny
Dick, balls.
Breeder
(hopefully)
Anything else?
Johnny
Asshole.
Breeder
What do you have in between the dick
and the asshole?
Johnny
Nothing. Skin.
Breeder
Damn.
Fluffy
(to Johnny)
Are you sure?
Johnny
Of course I’m sure.
Fluffy
When did you last check? Did you check
after you lost your memory?
Breeder
Just to be sure, would you check?
Johnny puts
his hand deep in his trousers, checks.
Johnny
Same
as always – dick, balls, asshole.
Breeder
sighs unhappily, makes pouty face.
Johnny
So
what does it mean for me?
Breeder
You’ll get an apartment and a laptop
and lay around all day, surfing the net and watching movies. Butterflies like
Fluffy here will come in to service you. You feed them, and let them crash in
your living room for the night.
You don’t have to worry about getting up to set the table. The drones do
all that.
Johnny
Drones?
Breeder
Yeah, the worker bees. They do
cleaning and shopping and stuff.
Johnny
My amnesia thing must be pretty bad –
I feel like I’m hearing all this for the first time. Tell me, what are the
differences between the breeders, butterflies and drones?
Breeder
Okay. Breeders can be males or
females. Butterflies have both
male and female organs, but they are neither. They pollinate. They take the
sperm from the male breeders inside themselves and then go inseminate the
female breeders with it. Drones
have no sexual organs at all, so they do all the work.
Johnny
Why?
Breeder
and Fluffy together
Why what?
Johnny
Why don’t the male breeders inseminate
the female breeders themselves?
Breeder
Euuuuwwww! Gross!
Fluffy
If it were left up to them, human race
would die out!
Breeder
(holds up fingers, folding them as he lists)
That’s right! I certainly wouldn’t want
to: a) exercise and diet to look hot, b) get up and go somewhere, c) fuck an
ugly female breeder, and last, but not least, d) I wouldn’t want to put any
effort into fucking. Sex should be a relaxing experience with a beautiful and
experienced butterfly, who does all the work, letting you lay back and enjoy.
Like in nature – flowers just sit there, and butterflies flit from flower to
flower to flower...
Johnny
Flowers are pretty and smell nice…
Breeder
Well, we don’t have to worry about
that, cause we the breeders are all the same. We all lay around all day,
snacking and playing video games. We are all equally fat, ugly, sweaty and
scruffy. Speaking of which, how
did you get to be in such good shape? Are you one of them revolutionaries!
Fluffy
Oh my god! A revolutionary! Why didn’t
I think of that! Message the news crew right away!
Breeder (typing
furiously and hitting Send)
We’re going to be famous! How often
does one get to meet a real revolutionary! I bet he got amnesia when he was hit
on the head during a demonstration!
Fluffy
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Johnny
Wait! What do they do to a
revolutionary here? Do I want to be one?
Fluffy
Oh yes, honey! It’s great to be a revolutionary! You’d
be on the news and talk shows and everyone will want you!
Johnny
I don’t see how it’s a good thing to
be wanted by a bunch of fat, sweaty, ugly people.
Fluffy
All the Butterflies will want you,
silly! Breeders don’t do any wanting. They live through us vicariously.
Johnny
I’m not too keen on being wanted by a
bunch of girls with dicks either. I’m splitting…
Breeder
Splitting? Like an amoeba! Are you the
new mysterious fifth sex! Wow! That’s way cooler than a revolutionary!
Johnny
(starts to leave)
That’s it! I’m out of here!
Breeder
and Fluffy (yelling together)
But the news crew is on its way!
Breeder
I want to watch you procreate by
splitting! And it needs to be filmed!
Fluffy
Please, at least one interview!
Johnny
Bye.
Johnny runs out.
Lights out
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
Last episode: 3RD
COMING OF CHRIST
Characters:
Figou – a
man of the future
Jesus – a
guy with a beard, white sheet draped on him, barefoot or wearing flip flops
___________________________________________________
Lights on
Johnny comes
unto the stage. Figou is walking
across the stage. Johnny jumps in front of him, points the gun.
Johnny
This
is a stick up. Hand over your money!
Figou
I
beg your pardon, but what is a stick up?
Johnny
A
smart ass, eh! You’re being robbed. Get it?
Figou
Robbery
– like in the ancient times?
Johnny
Guess
what – feels like yesterday to me.
Figou
I’m on hidden camera. Okay. I’ll play
along… Suppose I don’t give you any money?
Johnny
Then
I’d be forced to remove it from you.
Figou
I
can’t force you to do that!
Johnny
Shut
your pie-hole!
Figou
Shut
a what?
Johnny
What
you use to eat pie.
Figou
Do
you mean my mouth?
Johnny
Yeah
I mean your mouth.
Figou
Oh,
ha, ha, ha, this is so funny! Did you invent it yourself?
Johnny
Hand
over the dough.
Figou
I’m
not baking today.
Johnny
Money!
Hand over the money!
Figou
I
can’t do that.
Johnny
whacks Figou in the jaw. Figou falls on his butt. He looks astonished, but
smiles.
Figou
Wow!
How did you do that!
Johnny
searches Figou’s pockets, finds nothing.
Johnny
Where
is your money!
Figou
I
have no money.
Johnny
You
don’t look like a bum to me!
Figou
A
bum?
Johnny
A
beggar.
Figou
Ah,
another ancient concept!
Johnny
Are
you fucking with me!
Figou
What?
Johnny
Screwing
with me?
Figou
Eh?
Johnny
Messing
with me. Making a joke.
Figou
A
joke! Wow! Did I? I’ve never made a joke before!
Johnny does
a little dance of frustration, then pulls Figou up to his feet, shakes him.
Johnny
Where
is your money!
Figou
We
do not use money. Not since the stone age.
Johnny
In
the stone age they used pebbles, not money, dumb ass.
Figou
Sorry.
History was never my strong subject at school…
Johnny
What
year is it?
Figou
1245
RC.
Johnny
What’s
RC stand for?
Figou
The
Return of Christ.
Johnny
He
came back?
Figou
He
did, and granted us a Paradise on Earth.
Johnny
How’d
he do that?
Figou
By
giving people the gift of Empathy.
Johnny
What’s
that?
Figou
We feel what the other person feels
tenfold. You should have been knocked out unconscious when you hit me!
Johnny
What! You can’t hit anyone here?
Figou
No. How did you do it?
Johnny
What about in self-defense?
Figou
We don’t need self-defense. Christ
made the “turn the other cheek” a real thing! If someone tries to hurt someone
he only ends up hurting himself. So how did you do it?
Johnny
First you tell me how you pay for
stuff around here.
Figou
We don’t buy anything. People who make
things do it for the sake of joy of giving.
Johnny
So I can go to a restaurant and have
dinner and I don’t have to pay?
Figou
Of course.
Johnny
Great! Lead me to the nearest and the
best restaurant! And the whorehouse.
Figou
What’s a whorehouse?
Johnny
A place where you can have sex with
any hot chick there.
Figou
Eugh! We don’t have sex with cooked
poultry! We are vegan!
Johnny
Not chickens. Girls.
Figou
Ah, that’s better. You scared me.
Johnny
So will you take me there after
dinner?
Figou
We don’t have such places. We don’t
need them.
Johnny
Don’t tell me you guys are all saints
now!
Figou
No. Whenever you feel desire towards a
woman, she can’t help feeling it for you and can’t refuse you.
Johnny
Wow! Cool! But… what about the broad’s
– woman’s husband or a boyfriend? I can’t imagine guys would just let everyone
fuck their women!
Figou
Marriage, just as all possessiveness,
are things of the past, too.
Hottie is
walking towards them.
Johnny
Come
here baby!
Hottie
approaches him, looks at him, then grabs his hand and leads him behind the bush
(curtain or something). They make loud humping noises and quickly return.
Hottie looks bewildered.
Hottie
I
don’t understand..
Figou
(to Hottie)
I
think we’re on hidden camera!
Johnny
(to Hottie)
Was
it as good for you as it was for me?
Hottie
It was different… How were you able to
have an orgasm without seeming to care at all how I felt?
Johnny
What’re you saying babe?
Hottie
It was strange… one-sided. I felt your
pleasure just fine, but it was like mine didn’t exist…
Johnny
What’s your point?
Hottie
Like I wasn’t there at all, only you
alone with your passion…
Johnny
Get to the point, will you!
Hottie
How did you finish so quickly without
my pleasure?
Johnny
Your fault. You’re too damn cute!
Couldn’t hold back.
Hottie
Wow! Really!
Johnny
Hey, want to join us for dinner?
Hottie
Too horny. Must go find another man
now.
Johnny
(pointing to Figou)
Wha… what about him? He’s a man…
Hottie
He doesn’t want me. He’d prefer you.
Johnny
He can forget that! I can try again,
if you work me up to it.
Hottie
No, no. I’d rather go find someone
else. Bye.
She leaves.
Johnny
(taken aback)
Bye.
See you around.
(to
Figou)
Are
all the chicks like this?
Figou
Like
what?
Johnny
So
damn selfish!
Figou
We
are not capable of being selfish.
Johnny
Okay,
wrong word. How about independent?
Figou
Oh,
yes. Everyone is independent.
Johnny
What
about love!
Figou
What
do you mean? We love everyone.
Johnny
Special
love between a man and a woman!
Figou
You
just had that.
Johnny
That’s
as good as it ever gets!
Figou
Well,
you could have taken a few minutes longer. Maybe even an hour.
Johnny
So
all the girls around here are nymphs.
Figou
Who?
Johnny
Never
mind. Hey, did Jesus stick around this time?
Figou
How
can a stick be round?
Johnny
Did
he stay? Is he still around here?
Figou
Oh,
I see. He travels a lot. But he has a Mugbook page.
Johnny
If
I sent him a message, would he read it?
Figou
Definitely.
I sent him a message once and he replied.
Johnny
What
did you say?
Figou
I asked Him to reduce the Empathy a
little, to allow us to have debates. Right now we can’t debate. All you get
back is, “I understand,” and silence.
Johnny
So what did Jesus say to that?
Figou
He said he can’t do that, because if
he reduces Empathy enough to have a debate, it will enable people to argue as
well. He said it would be detrimental to the harmony.
Johnny
(to himself and the audience)
I
might as well shoot myself.
Shoots
himself. Figou drops dead from seeing it.
Hottie comes running back, drops dead.
Jesus
(Walks around, looking at the dead sadly)
Who’d
have thought there could be such a thing as too much empathy…
Lights out
The End.
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