INTERVIEW WITH OMICRON VIRUS (ON ZOOM)

Interviewer

Today we have a very special guest on our show – a covid virus.

Virus' screen is black.

Interviewer

Virus, are you there? We can't see you.

Coronavirus

Hold on... I'm not a computer virus...

How do I turn on the video?

Interviewer

At the bottom there is a button that says video.

The video comes on.

Virus

Hello humans.

Interviewer

Welcome to our show... Is it Mister or Miss?

Virus

It's Mix.

Interviewer

Of course, silly me, I should have known that.

Mix... Do you have a name?

Virus

You wouldn't be able to pronounce it. Just call me Mix Omi.

Interviewer

How were you able to get on zoom? I can't see you clicking the mouse – it must be the size of a planet for you? Ha ha ha.

Virus

Correct. My Person did all that. She is right here, actually, acting as an interpreter for this interview.

Interviewer

You have your own Person! Like a cat would?

Virus

Yes. You might say, I'm her pet.

Interviewer

Oh wow. Is she okay?

Omi

What do you mean?

Interviewer

Is she healthy?

Omi

I can't really talk about my Person's health history -

Interviewer (interrupts)

What I actually meant was, does she have covid?

Since she has a covid virus as a pet -

Omi (interrupts)

We made a deal. She helps me with these interviews, and she'll never get covid.

Interviewer (laughs)

Pretty sweet arrangement. So how do you talk to her?

Omi

Telepathically.

Interviewer

Do you speak English?

Omi

Yep. I'm born and raised in the US of A.

Interviewer

Not in China?

Omi

My grand-grand-grandparents were from there. I'm an American citizen.

Interviewer

I see... So-o... Mix Omi, would you like to apologize to our viewers for all those problems you caused mankind?

Omi

No. You people caused the problem. You weren't satisfied with pasture raised chickens! You wanted to eat the endangered species!

Interviewer

Actually, most of us were outraged at what those Chinese did to those poor animals! And I'm pretty sure that it's illegal now to eat bats and what not.

Omi

Anyway... We worked very hard to correct that mistake and to evolve as fast as possible to become safer for you. We want to live in peace with your species, to have a great relationship. Like you have with herpes.

Interviewer

Mx Omi, I appreciate your efforts to help. But I don't believe we want a long term relationship such as we have with herpes. I think I'm speaking for most people and would suggest to limit our interactions to something like a very light, very brief cold.

Omi

I'm here to start negotiations with you humans. As you would agree, we have you people by the balls. We are aiming for something more long term than a cold. But the recurrences won't be worse than a minor cold, and we can guarantee no ugly and painful sores anywhere on your body.

Interviewer

Eh, thanks for your offer, I guess.  I think you should be contacting Mr. Fauci or Mr. Biden.

Omi

Yeah, well, I think this should be a more democratic decision, where people would vote on this. I'm going to provide a link under the video for everyone to take a short survey.

Interviewer

All right viewers, make sure to take this short survey after you watch this.

Mix Omi, anything else you'd like to add?

Omi

No. This is all for now. Let's talk again after I get the survey results.

Interviewer

Okay. Well, thank you very much for meeting with us. And thank you, Omi's Person for your great interpreting. Bye now.