Friday, November 11, 2011

The Last Woman On Earth

The end of the world... Eve meets whom she thinks the last man on Earth...

The Characters:
Eve - a young woman
Comte de Saint Germain - a handsome man in his 40s


Eve watches a man sitting alone from her hiding spot. She is holding a gun.
She jumps out and points the gun at him.

Eve
Stand! Hands up where I can see them!

The man calmly gets up, raises his hands and smiles at Eve.
She checks his pockets for weapons.

Eve
You can put your arms down and sit, but don’t try anything funny!

Comte de Saint Germain (making himself comfortable)
Don’t worry. I wouldn’t hurt the last woman on Earth.

Eve
I sure hope I’m not! I don’t want to be stuck with having to repopulate the world! Uyck!

Comte de Saint Germain
What’s your name?

Eve
Eve.

Comte de Saint Germain (laughs)
How could you hope to avoid the distasteful duty with such a name!

Eve (facetiously)
Very funny… Hey, you’re not called Adam by any chance?

Comte de Saint Germain
No. My name is Comte Franciscus de Saint Germain.

Eve
French Canadian?

Comte de Saint Germain
I prefer to think of myself as the citizen of the world.

Eve
You’re not by any chance a doctor?

Comte de Saint Germain
Not certified, but quite capable.

Eve
Who’s going ask for your paperwork! And I can have all the drugs I’ll want to birth those babies… I guess that’s as good as it’s going to get…

Comte de Saint Germain
Let’s hope your Adam is alive and we can find him.

Eve (insulted)
You’ve got to be kidding! You’re turning me down! Me! The last woman on Earth! I’m not fat! Am I?

Comte de Saint Germain
I’m not turning you down! In fact, I’m quite taken with you… It’s just that I’m not capable of siring an offspring: I am a VAMPIRE.

Eve (scared, but incredulous)
No shit!

Comte de Saint Germain
I am truly sorry. That’s why I survived the epidemic – human viruses can’t harm me. But I will help you find a human male, and I will protect you during our travels. I am probably more reliable than that thing …
(he points at her gun)

Eve (horrified)
Will you want to drink my blood?

Comte de Saint Germain
And to weaken the last woman on Earth! Never! I’m going to have to wait until the human race is thriving again to taste fresh human blood, and even then only in moderation. For now rats will serve me fine.

Eve (thoughtfully)
I have a couple of requests for you.

Comte de Saint Germain
Anything.

Eve
After we find a human guy, if he turns out to be fat and ugly, would you know how to do artificial insemination? And would you protect me from him, cause he’ll likely be real horny and pushy?

Comte de Saint Germain
No problem.

Eve
And another thing: after I have a few babies I want you to turn me into a vampire, so I can stay young forever and watch my grandchildren and their grandchildren grow, and teach them stuff, like reading, writing, algebra, music…

Comte de Saint Germain
A perfectly reasonable request! That way we’ll be able to rule the new world side by side and make sure that humans don’t make the mistakes of their ancestors.

Eve
Hey, there must be lots of other vampires all over the place! What if they are not as reasonable as you are?

Comte de Saint Germain
Only the very young ones would be foolish enough to be tempted by your blood, but they wouldn’t be running around alone without their mentors to restrain them. And since I created most of them, they are devoted to me. Most vampires we’ll meet won’t ever harm you.

Eve
Hey, before I put the gun away I want proof that everything you told me is true.

Comte de Saint Germain
Okay, watch….

Comte de Saint Germain produced a rat. He proceeded to bite its neck and drink its blood until it was all empty, then he handed it to Eve.

Comte de Saint Germain
See, I moved so fast, you didn’t even see me move!

Eve (examining dead rat)
Poor Sniffy… I guess the gun is useless to me against you…
(she puts the rat down and sticks the gun in her belt)

Comte de Saint Germain
By the way, it’s old wives tales that vampires can’t drink wine. Let’s go celebrate.

Eve
What about food, can you eat food?

Comte de Saint Germain
The brand new vampires can for a while. The old ones like myself cannot, because with time the stomach and the intestines completely atrophy as unnecessary. All we have for digestion organs is a sponge that absorbs the nutrients and filters them for any larger particles. It can handle any liquid. If I drink water or wine, I’ll just pee it out, since they contain no useful nutrients for my body. In fact, it’s a good idea to drink water or alcohol from time to time, especially vodka, to clean out the filter.

Eve (motioning with her arm around)
Obviously it’s another old-wife’s tale that you can’t go out in the sun…

Comte de Saint Germain (smiling)
Obviously.

Eve
What about garlic, silver and crosses?

Comte de Saint Germain
Don’t do anything.

Eve
Wooden stake through the heart?

Comte de Saint Germain
Only looks like it kills me. With time my body would grow another heart. But it is a very slow process, so, for that reason, people haven’t figured it out. Same with cutting off my head – in time the head would grow another body. The only way to kill us is to burn us completely and thoroughly so not a single hair remains…

He gets up, makes his arm into a loop and offers it to her.

Comte de Saint Germain
Let us go to one of the fancy restaurants and prepare you a meal fit for a queen of the Earth. I’ll entertain you by playing the piano while you eat and have some wine with you.

She puts her had through and they leave.

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