Romance

Creating Reality

Sarah finds a sorcerer online to learn how to do magic, specifically, how to create her perfect man out of thin air.

Scene 1

Claire’s living room. Her friend Kim is visiting.

            Sarah

Kim, remember I was reading those Carlos Castaneda books?

            Kim

Were they the ones about some dude in South America doing a lot of peyote?

            Sarah

Yes, but he wasn’t doing a lot of peyote – only once in a while as needed to expand his consciousness…

            Kim

So what about him?

            Sarah

I found this sorcerer Don Jose online, who studied under Don Juan himself, and he is accepting new students!

            Kim (laughs)

Oh yeah!

            Sarah

A real live sorcerer! Isn’t that incredible! He has a website with testimonies from people who saw him do magic. One guy watched him make trees appear out of nowhere!

            Kim

He must have eaten tons of peyote!

            Sarah

He didn’t! He videotaped it! You can see for yourself – first there is nothing, and then suddenly a tall tree is growing there!

            Kim

That’s called film editing.

            Sarah

No! It says, “original unedited footage”!

            Kim

I can’t believe you’re that gullible! So, how much is this wizard charging for the lessons?

            Sarah

That’s irrelevant. First, that sort of knowledge is priceless. Second, he guarantees it 100%. If you don’t get the results within 30 days, you get your money back. Except for the non-refundable expenses.

            Kim

Which are?

            Sarah

His travel expenses, his meals. You see, he comes to you to teach at your home! You get total immersion! Like 24-7!

            Kim

Wow! I should be doing it for a living!

            Sarah

You wouldn’t be able to guarantee the results.

            Kim

What makes you think he won’t just magically disappear with your money? Poof!

            Sarah

He has his reputation and like thousands of friends on Facebook!

            Kim

What exactly are you hoping to learn?

            Sarah

To create my own reality! My Perfect Man - from scratch! I already emailed Don Jose and asked if he can teach me to do it, and he replied that yes he definitely can. He says it is one of the easier types of magic, easier than making trees!

            Kim

Aha, that’s what it’s about! I get it. I think you just need to take a web development class at a local college. Those classes are full of lonely, desperate guys. Why do you think all the geeky websites have these retarded animated ads showing girls bouncing up and down? Because programmers sit all day in front of their computers and are too scared to ask a real woman out! But each of those geeks could be a future Bill Gates, or, at the very least, will have a good paying job. And some of them are real hotties...

            Sarah

I don’t want boring geeks with zero social skills. If I can have a Perfect Man that’s custom made for me, why settle for less.

            Kim

Sarah, this is obviously a scam! There is no such thing as magic, and no one can make it to rain men!

            Sarah

Don’t be so negative! It has been known to rain frogs, even cows, so why not men! Look, I have nothing to loose, I’m unemployed - I can afford to take a month to study magic. And if I can’t create a perfect man within a month, I’ll get my tuition back. And he takes credit cards.

            Kim

Please don’t! Try some dating sites.

            Sarah

I already did. They don’t work. Kimmy! Look at me - I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough or young enough! And, worst of all, I am WHITE! I have no chance! And I have to feel physically attracted to a man, and no one I would find attractive would give me the time of the day!

            Kim

Your standards are too high.

            Sarah

I can’t lower them, trust me, I’ve tried. But I’ll never have to ever again!

            Kim (has a realization)

You already paid, haven’t you?

            Sarah

Yes. So Kim, please, support me in my decision! Don’t make me feel bad about it.

            Kim

Ohhhh, you know I love you and will support you in any crazy thing! Text me a photo of that wizard’s driver’s license, before you let him in! Promise to do that?

            Sarah

I can’t insult him by asking to take a picture of his ID – he is a world famous sorcerer!

            Kim

Then let me be here when he arrives. OK? Please, I just want you to be safe.

            Sarah

I guess I can do that.

                                    SCENE 2

Sarah’s home. Sarah and Kim are waiting for Don Jose’s arrival.

            Kim

Is his car rental included in those non-refundable fees?

Sarah nods.

            Kim

Can’t he just materialize here if he is a real wizard?

            Sarah

Maybe he likes to enjoy the journey.

            Kim

Pffff. I hope for your sake that he didn’t want to enjoy it first class.

            Sarah

No, he is very humble. He didn’t mind coach, as long as he got a window seat.

            Kim

He said that?

            Sarah

Yes.

            Kim

Where is he going to sleep?

            Sarah

On this futon, it unfolds into a single bed.

            Kim (facetiously)

Nice of him to be so humble - not asking you to pay for the hotel room.

            Sarah (taking Kim seriously)

Yes, it is really, really nice of him! He is making a huge sacrifice.

            Kim

Pffff.

            Sarah

Stop it! If you’re going to keep up your nasty attitude, you should leave right now! I don’t want you to ruin this experience for me.

            Kim

I’m sorry, I’ll behave.

            Sarah

You better!

The doorbell rings, Sarah jumps up to get the door. Don Jose enters the living room.

            Don Jose (notices Kim and greets her)

Very nice to meet you Kim.

            Kim (shocked, awed, her mouth drops open)

You too.   You knew my name by magic!

            Don Jose (sitting down in an armchair)

No child – by Facebook.  You prominently figure as number one of Sarah’s five friends.

            Kim

Oh.  But could you have known it by magic?

            Don Jose

Isn’t Facebook a type of magic?

            Kim

No. It’s a computer program.

            Don Jose

Could you have written that program?

            Kim

No-o way!

            Don Jose

So it is magic to you. Magic is only magic to those who don’t know the workings of it. To a sorcerer it is simply work, just like writing a computer program or peeling a potato.

            Kim (awed again)

Oh. I never thought about it that way…

            Don Jose

I am happy to have taught you a new way of seeing things, instead of taking them for granted. Next time you’ll turn on the light switch, you’ll realize what a wonderful bit of magic it is.

            Kim

I always thought - if you lift a chair using your hands, it’s not magic, but if you make it float up without touching it, then it is magic.

            Don Jose

I just got off a wonderful machine called an airplane, which was moving through the air without anyone touching it. Was the pilot a powerful wizard?

            Kim

Of course not; the planes fly because of the forces created by the how fast it’s going.

            Don Jose

I’m not touching the light when I walk down the street at night, but it comes on as I get near it. It should be magic using your definition.

            Kim

But it’s not; it’s just a motion sensor…

            Don Jose

Everything must obey the nature’s laws, and the sorcerers only use natural forces. It’s all know-how and skill. So when people say there is no such thing as magic, they are absolutely right.

            Kim

I knew it! See, Sarah, Don Jose himself says I was right!

            Sarah (suddenly all worried)

Then what… how are you going to teach me magic if it doesn’t exist?

            Don Jose (to Sarah)

I am simply going to teach you how to use some of the nature’s forces in ways conventional education doesn’t to achieve your goals.

            Kim

Wow… That actually makes total sense. Are you booked after Sarah?

            Don Jose

I might be able to move up my next student to fit you in. But don’t you want to wait and see if Sarah is successful first?

            Kim

Oh, I guess. But would you check your schedule anyway?

            Don Jose

I will, child, and I will let you know.

            ( he gets up )

It was very nice meeting you.

            Kim (jumping up)

Oh, of course, I’m sorry. I’ll be looking forward to possibly being your next student!

            Don Jose (takes Kim’s hand in his both hands)

It will be my pleasure to instruct such an eager and able pupil.

           

Sarah (being catty, annoyed and jealous)

Kim, aren’t you going to ask how much it costs? What if you can’t afford it. 

            Kim  ( to Sarah )

Sarah, this type of knowledge is priceless!           

             ( to Don Jose, keeping her hand in his hands )

Can I email you to discuss my goals, like tomorrow?

            Sarah (annoyed)

Kim, I’d appreciate it if you’d wait until after I’m done with my course.

            Kim (giggling, withdraws her hand reluctantly)

I’m sorry, of course.

(to Sarah)

See you later love.

(to Don Jose)

Bye, Don Jose.

           

            Kim leaves.

            Sarah

Would you like some tea?

            Don Jose

Yes, I think I would child.

            Sarah

I have a few kinds. Do you have a preference?

            Don Jose

I’ll have what you’re having. I suggest you avoid caffeine and sugar. However, if you happen to have raw organic honey, I’d like a dollop.

            Sarah (gets up and walks out)

I do. How big is a dollop?

            Don Jose (turns his head and talks in direction Sarah went)

What a great question. Let me see if I can shed some light on it. Firstly, a size of a dollop must depend on the viscosity of the substance being rationed. Secondly, it must depend on the amount of time allotted for the division of the substance. Thirdly, the time depends on the various external factors …

            (Sarah comes back with two cups, sets them down and stands listening.)

           

            Don Jose (keeps talking turning his head towards Sarah)

… Such as: the schedule of the event, the shape of a container, the method of dividing the substance, the patience, the temperament, the state of mind of the person performing the task, the temperature of the air, the temperature of the substance itself… If I were to write a formula with each variable represented, so that anyone could plug in the numbers for each variable and to calculate the exact size of a dollop in a given situation, the challenge would be to translate each condition into its numeric equivalent…

            (Whistling of the teapot is heard. Sarah leaves the room again. )

            Don Jose (keeps talking, turning his head towards Sarah)

… Because the numbers must be of the same nature, since you cannot perform mathematical calculations on numbers of different natures, as they, surely, taught you in school. One simply can’t add apples to oranges, the teachers pounded into your young fertile brains. But what if you called them fruit? Then you could add them together without any trouble whatsoever. So, simply renaming the variables makes the impossible mathematics suddenly possible…

            (Sarah comes back in the room with a teapot and a jar of honey and a spoon, sets them down.)

            Don Jose (turns his head towards Sarah)

… So, it must be obvious to you, that making an impossible thing possible by nothing more but a clever renaming of the objects is an example of magic. Are you with me so far?

            Sarah

Eh… I’m afraid I missed some of the explanation because of the water noises. I’m sorry…

           

Don Jose

That’s all right, child. I will be going over everything as many times as necessary until you understand.

            Sarah

The tea should steep for a couple of minutes… Would you like some cookies? Oh, I guess not, you did say avoid sugar. Oh, but you meant for me to avoid sugar, which doesn’t mean you need to be avoiding it… Do you? Avoid sweets?

            Don Jose

I’d love a cookie.

            (Sarah rushes out.)

           

Skipping forward in time, Sarah is listening attentively, creasing her forehead with effort. Don Jose is munching on cookies and talking.

            Don Jose

Before you build a house what must you do?

            Sarah

Make a foundation.

            Don Jose

And before that?

            Sarah

Dig a hole?

            Don Jose

And before that?

            Sarah

Buy the land?

            Don Jose

I’m after that bit that comes between buying the lot and digging the hole. What must be done then is completely clear the area of everything, dig up every root, so it doesn’t start growing again later and crack your foundation.

            Sarah

Ohhh, yes, right.

            Don Jose

So, before I can begin to lay the foundation for your new knowledge, we must completely root out every bit of incorrect knowledge you were taught at school.

            Sarah

Ohhh! I can already feel my brain becoming a blank!

            Don Jose

First – entropy, or so-called law of conservation of energy! If that law were true, you’d get more energy the more you ate and rested, but quite the reverse happens: the less you eat and the more active you are, the more energy you have.

            Sarah

That’s so true!

            Don Jose

What is one plus one?

            Sarah (laughs)

Two.

            Don Jose

Wrong. The correct answer is: it depends.

            Sarah

On what?

            Don Jose

On what you’re adding, the time frame, the conditions. For instance: if you add two people you get a result of zero, or three and up…

            Sarah

Why?

            Don Jose

The answer could be three – the third being the entity they form, such as a partnership or a corporation. If they are a male and a female, they can have offspring. A zero – in case they kill each other.

            Sarah

What about adding something inanimate, that can’t do anything? Like two pennies?

            Don Jose

You’d have to specify the timeframe of them to be expected to stay put, the temperature, the moisture, the chemicals in the immediate vicinity.   The math they teach you at school assumes that whatever you are adding is unchangeable, and doesn’t take the environment or time into consideration.

            Sarah

Ohhh, I see.

            Don Jose

They teach you crap like: parallel lines will eventually converge, because the space is warped! If that were true, then the trains would crash going over the hills! You can measure the distance between two parallel lines for as long as you want them to go – why should that have anything to do with how curved the space is.

            Sarah

That makes sense. What about gravity? Surely it exists?

            Don Jose

Nope. Doesn’t exist. The scientists have no idea what it is. If there really was such a thing, then everything around us would have collapsed long ago, because all the electrons would have crashed into the atoms…

           

            Time skips forward. Sarah is slumping, visibly exhausted, fighting to keep her eyes open.

            It’s dark outside.

            Don Jose

It’s a proven fact that when scientists observe particles, they behave differently. Doctor Emoto put stickers on the little containers of water with different words written on them, and he froze that water. It formed pretty ice crystals when the sticker said something nice, like “love” or “peace”. When the sticker had an unpleasant word on it, like “hate”, the crystals came out all disorderly, ugly looking. Writing, talking, drawing, thinking, even watching – all of these actions have an effect on the fabric of reality. Everyone knows about that, but, for some reason, people keep pretending that it isn’t so.

Sarah:

Why do they do that?

            Don Jose:

They are lazy and don’t like taking responsibility. They prefer to whine about how life isn’t fair.

            Sarah:

Weird.

Don Jose:

Most people aren’t brave like you are. And, to make it worse, they have been punishing people like you for wanting to use your full potential. They burned them alive. Needless to say, that sort of thing discouraged people from learning to use magic. 

Time skips forward. Sarah is wearing comfy sweats sitting in a meditating position.

            Sarah

My perfect man is between 5’9” and 6’3”. He has large expressive eyes, long slender legs and fingers. He is thin.  He has very little body hair, definitely none on his back. He has nice skin, no acne. Classic features. He is talented, artistic. He is a poet…