Creating Reality
Sarah finds a sorcerer online to learn how to do magic, specifically, how to create her perfect man out of thin air.Scene 1
Claire’s living room. Her friend
Kim is visiting.
Sarah
Kim, remember I was reading those Carlos Castaneda books?
Kim
Were they the ones about some dude in South America doing a
lot of peyote?
Sarah
Yes, but he wasn’t doing a lot of peyote – only once in a
while as needed to expand his consciousness…
Kim
So what about him?
Sarah
I found this sorcerer Don Jose online, who studied under Don
Juan himself, and he is accepting new students!
Kim
(laughs)
Oh yeah!
Sarah
A real live sorcerer! Isn’t that incredible! He has a
website with testimonies from people who saw him do magic. One guy watched him
make trees appear out of nowhere!
Kim
He must have eaten tons of peyote!
Sarah
He didn’t! He videotaped it! You can see for yourself –
first there is nothing, and then suddenly a tall tree is growing there!
Kim
That’s called film editing.
Sarah
No! It says, “original unedited footage”!
Kim
I can’t believe you’re that gullible! So, how much is this
wizard charging for the lessons?
Sarah
That’s irrelevant. First, that sort of knowledge is
priceless. Second, he guarantees it 100%. If you don’t get the results within
30 days, you get your money back. Except for the non-refundable expenses.
Kim
Which are?
Sarah
His travel expenses, his meals. You see, he comes to you to
teach at your home! You get total immersion! Like 24-7!
Kim
Wow! I should be doing it for a living!
Sarah
You wouldn’t be able to guarantee the results.
Kim
What makes you think he won’t just magically disappear with
your money? Poof!
Sarah
He has his reputation and like thousands of friends on
Facebook!
Kim
What exactly are you hoping to learn?
Sarah
To create my own reality! My Perfect Man - from scratch! I
already emailed Don Jose and asked if he can teach me to do it, and he replied
that yes he definitely can. He says it is one of the easier types of magic,
easier than making trees!
Kim
Aha, that’s what it’s about! I get it. I think you just need
to take a web development class at a local college. Those classes are full of
lonely, desperate guys. Why do you think all the geeky websites have these
retarded animated ads showing girls bouncing up and down? Because programmers
sit all day in front of their computers and are too scared to ask a real woman
out! But each of those geeks could be a future Bill Gates, or, at the very
least, will have a good paying job. And some of them are real hotties...
Sarah
I don’t want boring geeks with zero social skills. If I can
have a Perfect Man that’s custom made for me, why settle for less.
Kim
Sarah, this is obviously a scam! There is no such thing as
magic, and no one can make it to rain men!
Sarah
Don’t be so negative! It has been known to rain frogs, even
cows, so why not men! Look, I have nothing to loose, I’m unemployed - I can
afford to take a month to study magic. And if I can’t create a perfect man
within a month, I’ll get my tuition back. And he takes credit cards.
Kim
Please don’t! Try some dating sites.
Sarah
I already did. They don’t work. Kimmy! Look at me - I’m not
pretty enough or skinny enough or young enough! And, worst of all, I am WHITE!
I have no chance! And I have to feel physically attracted to a man, and no one
I would find attractive would give me the time of the day!
Kim
Your standards are too high.
Sarah
I can’t lower them, trust me, I’ve tried. But I’ll never
have to ever again!
Kim
(has a realization)
You already paid, haven’t you?
Sarah
Yes. So Kim, please, support me in my decision! Don’t make
me feel bad about it.
Kim
Ohhhh, you know I love you and will support you in any crazy
thing! Text me a photo of that wizard’s driver’s license, before you let him
in! Promise to do that?
Sarah
I can’t insult him by asking to take a picture of his ID –
he is a world famous sorcerer!
Kim
Then let me be here when he arrives. OK? Please, I just want
you to be safe.
Sarah
I guess I can do that.
SCENE
2
Sarah’s home. Sarah and Kim are waiting for Don Jose’s arrival.
Kim
Is his car rental included in those non-refundable fees?
Sarah nods.
Kim
Can’t he just materialize here if he is a real wizard?
Sarah
Maybe he likes to enjoy the journey.
Kim
Pffff. I hope for your sake that he didn’t want to enjoy it
first class.
Sarah
No, he is very humble. He didn’t mind coach, as long as he
got a window seat.
Kim
He said that?
Sarah
Yes.
Kim
Where is he going to sleep?
Sarah
On this futon, it unfolds into a single bed.
Kim
(facetiously)
Nice of him to be so humble - not asking you to pay for the
hotel room.
Sarah
(taking Kim seriously)
Yes, it is really, really nice of him! He is making a huge
sacrifice.
Kim
Pffff.
Sarah
Stop it! If you’re going to keep up your nasty attitude, you
should leave right now! I don’t want you to ruin this experience for me.
Kim
I’m sorry, I’ll behave.
Sarah
You better!
The doorbell rings, Sarah jumps up to get the door. Don Jose enters the
living room.
Don
Jose (notices Kim and greets her)
Very nice to meet you Kim.
Kim
(shocked, awed, her mouth drops open)
You too.
You knew my name by magic!
Don
Jose (sitting down in an armchair)
No child – by Facebook. You prominently figure as number one of Sarah’s five
friends.
Kim
Oh. But could
you have known it by magic?
Don
Jose
Isn’t Facebook a type of magic?
Kim
No. It’s a computer program.
Don
Jose
Could you have written that program?
Kim
No-o way!
Don
Jose
So it is magic to you. Magic is only magic to those who
don’t know the workings of it. To a sorcerer it is simply work, just like writing
a computer program or peeling a potato.
Kim
(awed again)
Oh. I never thought about it
that way…
Don
Jose
I am happy to have taught you a new way of seeing things,
instead of taking them for granted. Next time you’ll turn on the light switch,
you’ll realize what a wonderful bit of magic it is.
Kim
I always thought - if you lift a chair using your hands,
it’s not magic, but if you make it float up without touching it, then it is
magic.
Don
Jose
I just got off a wonderful machine called an airplane, which
was moving through the air without anyone touching it. Was the pilot a powerful
wizard?
Kim
Of course not; the planes fly because of the forces created
by the how fast it’s going.
Don
Jose
I’m not touching the light when I walk down the street at
night, but it comes on as I get near it. It should be magic using your
definition.
Kim
But it’s not; it’s just a motion sensor…
Don
Jose
Everything must obey the nature’s laws, and the sorcerers
only use natural forces. It’s all know-how and skill. So when people say there
is no such thing as magic, they are absolutely right.
Kim
I knew it! See, Sarah, Don Jose himself says I was right!
Sarah
(suddenly all worried)
Then what… how are you going to teach me magic if it doesn’t
exist?
Don
Jose (to Sarah)
I am simply going to teach you how to use some of the
nature’s forces in ways conventional education doesn’t to achieve your goals.
Kim
Wow… That actually makes total sense. Are you booked after
Sarah?
Don
Jose
I might be able to move up my next student to fit you in.
But don’t you want to wait and see if Sarah is successful first?
Kim
Oh, I guess. But would you check your schedule anyway?
Don
Jose
I will, child, and I will let you know.
(
he gets up )
It was very nice meeting you.
Kim
(jumping up)
Oh, of course, I’m sorry. I’ll be looking forward to
possibly being your next student!
Don
Jose (takes Kim’s hand in his both hands)
It will be my pleasure to instruct such an eager and able
pupil.
Sarah (being catty, annoyed and jealous)
Kim, aren’t you going to ask how
much it costs? What if you can’t afford it.
Kim ( to Sarah )
Sarah, this type of knowledge is priceless!
( to Don Jose, keeping her hand in his
hands )
Can I email you to discuss my goals, like tomorrow?
Sarah
(annoyed)
Kim, I’d appreciate it if you’d wait until after I’m done
with my course.
Kim
(giggling, withdraws her hand reluctantly)
I’m sorry, of course.
(to Sarah)
See you later love.
(to Don Jose)
Bye, Don Jose.
Kim leaves.
Sarah
Would you like some tea?
Don
Jose
Yes, I think I would child.
Sarah
I have a few kinds. Do you have a preference?
Don
Jose
I’ll have what you’re having. I suggest you avoid caffeine
and sugar. However, if you happen to have raw organic honey, I’d like a dollop.
Sarah
(gets up and walks out)
I do. How big is a dollop?
Don
Jose (turns his head and talks in direction Sarah went)
What a great question. Let me see if I can shed some light
on it. Firstly, a size of a dollop must depend on the viscosity of the
substance being rationed. Secondly, it must depend on the amount of time
allotted for the division of the substance. Thirdly, the time depends on the
various external factors …
(Sarah comes back with two cups, sets them
down and stands listening.)
Don
Jose (keeps talking turning his head towards Sarah)
… Such as: the schedule of the event, the shape of a
container, the method of dividing the substance, the patience, the temperament,
the state of mind of the person performing the task, the temperature of the
air, the temperature of the substance itself… If I were to write a formula with
each variable represented, so that anyone could plug in the numbers for each
variable and to calculate the exact size of a dollop in a given situation, the
challenge would be to translate each condition into its numeric equivalent…
(Whistling of the teapot is heard. Sarah
leaves the room again. )
Don
Jose (keeps talking, turning his head towards Sarah)
… Because the numbers must be of the same nature, since you
cannot perform mathematical calculations on numbers of different natures, as
they, surely, taught you in school. One simply can’t add apples to oranges, the
teachers pounded into your young fertile brains. But what if you called them
fruit? Then you could add them together without any trouble whatsoever. So,
simply renaming the variables makes the impossible mathematics suddenly
possible…
(Sarah comes back in the room with a teapot
and a jar of honey and a spoon, sets them down.)
Don
Jose (turns his head towards Sarah)
… So, it must be obvious to you, that making an impossible
thing possible by nothing more but a clever renaming of the objects is an
example of magic. Are you with me so far?
Sarah
Eh… I’m afraid I missed some of the explanation because of
the water noises. I’m sorry…
Don Jose
That’s all right, child. I will be going over everything as
many times as necessary until you understand.
Sarah
The tea should steep for a couple of minutes… Would you like
some cookies? Oh, I guess not, you did say avoid sugar. Oh, but you meant for
me to avoid sugar, which doesn’t mean you need to be avoiding it… Do you? Avoid
sweets?
Don
Jose
I’d love a cookie.
(Sarah rushes out.)
Skipping forward in
time, Sarah is listening attentively, creasing her forehead with effort. Don
Jose is munching on cookies and talking.
Don
Jose
Before you build a house what must you do?
Sarah
Make a foundation.
Don
Jose
And before that?
Sarah
Dig a hole?
Don
Jose
And before that?
Sarah
Buy the land?
Don
Jose
I’m after that bit that comes between buying the lot and
digging the hole. What must be done then is completely clear the area of
everything, dig up every root, so it doesn’t start growing again later and
crack your foundation.
Sarah
Ohhh, yes, right.
Don
Jose
So, before I can begin to lay the foundation for your new
knowledge, we must completely root out every bit of incorrect knowledge you
were taught at school.
Sarah
Ohhh! I can already feel my brain becoming a blank!
Don
Jose
First – entropy, or so-called law of conservation of energy!
If that law were true, you’d get more energy the more you ate and rested, but
quite the reverse happens: the less you eat and the more active you are, the
more energy you have.
Sarah
That’s so true!
Don
Jose
What is one plus one?
Sarah
(laughs)
Two.
Don
Jose
Wrong. The correct answer is: it depends.
Sarah
On what?
Don
Jose
On what you’re adding, the time frame, the conditions. For
instance: if you add two people you get a result of zero, or three and up…
Sarah
Why?
Don
Jose
The answer could be three – the third being the entity they
form, such as a partnership or a corporation. If they are a male and a female,
they can have offspring. A zero – in case they kill each other.
Sarah
What about adding something inanimate, that can’t do
anything? Like two pennies?
Don
Jose
You’d have to specify the timeframe of them to be expected
to stay put, the temperature, the moisture, the chemicals in the immediate
vicinity. The math they
teach you at school assumes that whatever you are adding is unchangeable, and
doesn’t take the environment or time into consideration.
Sarah
Ohhh, I see.
Don
Jose
They teach you crap like: parallel lines will eventually
converge, because the space is warped! If that were true, then the trains would
crash going over the hills! You can measure the distance between two parallel
lines for as long as you want them to go – why should that have anything to do
with how curved the space is.
Sarah
That makes sense. What about gravity? Surely it exists?
Don
Jose
Nope. Doesn’t exist. The scientists have no idea what it is.
If there really was such a thing, then everything around us would have
collapsed long ago, because all the electrons would have crashed into the
atoms…
Time
skips forward. Sarah is slumping, visibly exhausted, fighting to keep her eyes
open.
It’s
dark outside.
Don
Jose
It’s a proven fact that when
scientists observe particles, they behave differently. Doctor Emoto put
stickers on the little containers of water with different words written on
them, and he froze that water. It formed pretty ice crystals when the sticker
said something nice, like “love” or “peace”. When the sticker had an unpleasant
word on it, like “hate”, the crystals came out all disorderly, ugly looking.
Writing, talking, drawing, thinking, even watching – all of these actions have
an effect on the fabric of reality. Everyone knows about that, but, for some
reason, people keep pretending that it isn’t so.
Sarah:
Why do they do that?
Don
Jose:
They are lazy and don’t like
taking responsibility. They prefer to whine about how life isn’t fair.
Sarah:
Weird.
Don Jose:
Most people aren’t brave like you are. And, to make it
worse, they have been punishing people like you for wanting to use your full
potential. They burned them alive. Needless to say, that sort of thing
discouraged people from learning to use magic.
Time skips forward. Sarah is wearing comfy sweats sitting in a
meditating position.
Sarah
My perfect man is between 5’9” and 6’3”. He has large
expressive eyes, long slender legs and fingers. He is thin. He has very little body hair,
definitely none on his back. He has nice skin, no acne. Classic features. He is
talented, artistic. He is a poet…
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