Pleasure androids of the series SEX5000 are being recalled...
MY HUSBAND IS AN ANDROID
CHARACTERS:
Judy
– woman
Martin
– Judy’s husband and the Android later
Judy’s
Mother, the owner of a company, a hard businesswoman
Man
1 and Man 2
Judy watches news (on computer or flat tv or Ipad). Local news
broadcaster is speaking.
Broadcaster
…Popular sex androids series SEX5000 are being recalled after a
tragic malfunction. A customer experienced severe bruising and emotional
distress and is currently in the hospital…
Martin
enters.
Martin
Honey,
I am home.
Judy
turns off the news, gets up. Martin proceeds to the dining table and sits
down. Judy puts a plate with some black lumps on it in front of her husband.
Martin
What
is this?
Judy
Your
dinner. You’re so late, it got overcooked. Oops.
Martin
How about some dessert?
Judy
takes away Martin’s plate, while he is talking,
Martin
Maybe something that didn’t need cooking, like
yogurt?
Judy puts
another plate in front of Martin. He lifts a lacy underwear from it.
Martin (thinking fast)
You
found it… That’s too bad… now the surprise is ruined.
Judy
If
you were going to serve me the divorce papers, I’d say so.
Martin
Darling!
How can you think such a thing! I was going to give you this to wear tonight.
To try to make it up to you for working such long hours!
Judy
Bullshit!
This underwear is used - it smells like pussy!
Martin (talks fast)
I
took off the tag and sprayed some French perfume on it. They add cat urine to
expensive perfumes to make them last longer. That’s probably why it smells a
little like a cat. I’ll take it back tomorrow and get you something else. I
love you darling!
Judy
Not
me! You love the cushy job you got from my mom!
Martin
I
love you much, much more! We are just in
the middle of a takeover right now, and there’s some new personnel at the
office I have to train -
Judy (points to underwear or picks it
up)
You
train her to take it off.
Martin (gets up, puts his arms around
Judy)
The
new-hired is a four-hundred-pound ugly gorilla. I have to force myself to go
near the creature.
Judy (wanting to be convinced)
Promise?
Martin
I
promise! And after we buy this company, I’m taking you on vacation anywhere you
want to go!
Judy
How
long is it going to take?
Martin
Just
a couple of days. All the androids series SEX5000 are being recalled as we
speak - you probably know if you saw the news. So the stock will plummet
tomorrow or the next day, and then we grab it.
Judy
Oh,
that poor woman! Her pelvis was crushed!
Martin
No,
no, she was only slightly bruised. The media exaggerated. Besides, she is
getting a huge settlement.
A sound of a doorbell.
Man 1 and Man 2 enter. (They wear
black suits, or security or police uniforms)
Man 1
We
are looking for Martin Cash.
Martin
That’s
me.
Man 1 waves a piece of paper in
front of Judy.
Man 1
This is an authorization
for a factory recall of the android Martin.
They walk up to him and grab him
by his elbows. Martin struggles.
Judy
Martin
is not an android! He is a human. We are married!
Martin
I
was born from a woman! Call my parents!
Judy
I
saw his naked baby pictures! He’s not an android.
Man 1 (to Judy)
It’s
better safe than sorry. We wouldn’t want you to become another victim, like the
lady on the news, would we? Let's go, 'Martin'.
Judy
You
probably have the address mixed up with someone. I never ordered an android.
Martin
Look
me over – I don’t have a control panel! I’m a human!
Man 1 (to Martin)
If
it’s a mistake, you’ll be free to go immediately. Not to worry. But we are not
allowed to do any examinations ourselves. We are just the transport guys.
While Man 1 is talking, Man 2 is
writing Judy a receipt and hands it to her.
MAN 2
Here’s
your receipt.
They lead protesting Martin away.
Judy grabs the phone and calls her
mom.
Judy
Mom!
Something really weird just happened! Two men came and took Martin away! They
said he was an android! Can you believe this?!
Judy puts
the phone down. Acts puzzled, frustrated, paces back and forth. Turns on the
news.
News
Broadcast
… the stockholders are losing
confidence in the safety of the androids. The stock of Sex Makkina is sharply
falling. I was assured by the company that it is a very minor problem, and the
androids are very safe, safer than the human men, ha, ha, ha…
A sound of a doorbell.
A moment
later Judy's mother walks into the living room. She gives Judy a hug.
MOTHER
Everything
is going to be all right. They made a mistake, and as soon as they examine him,
they’ll let him go.
JUDY
But
why? I never ordered a sex android! Why did they think I had one? Mom?
MOTHER
I
don’t know. Probably just a name mix up.
JUDY
Here
is the receipt they gave me for him, there’s an 800 number on it.
She gives the receipt to her
mother, she studies it.
MOTHER
The
customer service office closed at 5pm Eastern Time. I’ll call them first thing
in the morning.
Mother puts the receipt into her
pocket.
MOTHER
They’ll
realize he is a human right away - he doesn’t have a control panel, for god’s
sake. Don’t worry. Take a valium and go to bed.
JUDY
Mom,
do you have a new clerk at the office?
MOTHER
Yes,
an intern.
JUDY
A
woman?
MOTHER
Yes.
JUDY
Is
she fat and ugly?
MOTHER
No,
she is small, disgustingly young and thin.
JUDY
Is
there another one who is fat?
MOTHER
No,
we only hired one intern. Why?
JUDY
Martin
said the new person was a four-hundred-pound gorilla. He lied! He must be
having an affair.
MOTHER
Well,
I wouldn’t call it an affair, just a booty call.
JUDY
That’s
not okay with me! The lying bastard!
MOTHER
I’m
sorry. Is there anything I can do to help? Shall I fire him?
JUDY
No
mom. But thank you.
Judy’s mom gives her a kiss on
her forehead and leaves.
Lights out.
Lights on.
Next morning.
Doorbell rings.
Judy’s mom enters.
JUDY (gloomy)
Hi mom.
MOTHER (puts the paper bag on the table)
Cheer up, I brought your
favorite sinful breakfast: almond croissants. Do you have coffee ready?
JUDY
I think so.
Judy
leaves the room and comes back with two cups and two plates, puts them on the
table. They open the bag and start eating the croissants.
MOTHER
They are holding Martin a
hostage. They don’t want me to buy their company.
JUDY
That’s kidnapping! Did you
call the police?
MOTHER
Nope.
JUDY
Why?
MOTHER
Because then the police
would investigate Martin’s involvement in the accident.
JUDY
What accident?
MOTHER
The one on the news: the
woman who got humped a little too hard.
JUDY
He did it? How?
MOTHER
He must have gotten into
her apartment, hacked into the android and changed the settings.
JUDY (horrified)
You knew?
MOTHER
No. Not until afterwards.
He didn’t tell me, just in case it didn’t work, or if he got caught.
JUDY
Why not do the right thing
and tell the police the truth, and say he did it all on his own?
MOTHER
Sounds like you want to be
rid of him.
JUDY
I don’t know. I hate him,
I love him. No, I think I’m more in lust with him, than in love… I’m confused.
You know what I mean?
MOTHER
Oh yes, only too well.
JUDY
Sooo… What are you going
to do?
MOTHER
I don’t know yet, I have
to think about it…
Do you want to go do some
therapeutic shopping?
JUDY
No. But thank you mom. I’ll
text if I change my mind.
MOTHER
All right. Talk to you
later.
Judy’s mom leaves.
Lights out.
Lights on.
Martin
walks in. Judy stares at him in disbelief.
JUDY
I didn’t expect you back
so soon...
MARTIN
Shall I come back another
time?
JUDY
No. I want you to stay
here and never leave my sight.
MARTIN
You want me to become
unemployed?
JUDY
Yes. Because it’s the only
way I can be assured that you’re not cheating on me or hurting some innocent
people -
MARTIN
Judy, I have to tell you
something -
JUDY
What ridiculous excuses will
you make up this time?
MARTIN
None at all. I –
JUDY
No excuses? Are you going
to repent and promise to change?
MARTIN
No. I am not Martin, I’m
an android. SEX5000.
JUDY
You are, eh? You’ll have
to do better than that.
MARTIN (lifts up his shirt)
Look, I have a control
panel.
JUDY
Where?
MARTIN
It blends in. You say a
password to open it. “Open sesame”.
JUDY
Oh, wow! You really are an
android.
How do I close it, it’s
freaky.
MARTIN
Just shut it till it
clicks.
JUDY (shut the panel, lowered his shirt)
How long was Martin an
android?
Martin
He was never one.
JUDY
Where is he?
MARTIN
Still detained.
JUDY
So why are you here? Why
do you look like him?
MARTIN
I’m here to offer you a
deal.
JUDY
What deal?
Martin
Talk your mom out of
taking over Sex Makkina, and Martin will be returned to you alive and well.
JUDY
I’m pretty sure kidnapping
is very illegal!
Martin
It is. However, how would
you possibly prove that he wasn’t an android? He was picked up last night, and
to all concerned, he was an android then.
Martin
produces a paper and hands it to Judy.
Martin
This certificate says that
the android Martin was brought in last night for a safety check, and was
returned to its owner this morning in perfect working condition.
JUDY
And if I can’t talk my mom
out of the takeover?
Martin
Martin will be sold as a
sex slave.
JUDY
What! I thought it only
happened to runaway teenagers.
Martin
An interested buyer is an
older, very large woman. She doesn’t want a boy, but a handsome man whom she
can… eh… ‘train’.
So, please call your
mother right away, before it’s too late.
JUDY
All right, I will. Right
now.
Judy grabs her cell phone,
leaves the room for a couple of moments and comes back.
JUDY
She will get back to me.
She is busy…
So… if she says no, do I
get to keep you?
MARTIN
Yes, that’s correct. I’m
sorry… you must be under a lot of stress.
Judy
Those are just polite
words. How can you feel anything!
Martin
It’s probably more like knowing
how someone feels in a given situation. I don’t think it’s much different for
people.
JUDY
We have this thing called
empathy.
Martin
So do we. We can
approximate very closely what a person would feel from a database of thousands
of experiences.
Judy
Ridiculous! Empathy can’t
be programmed!
Martin
Actually, your brain is
programmed since childhood to react in certain ways. By parents, teachers,
media.
Judy
But we have free will. We
can reprogram ourselves.
Martin
We would lose our
usefulness if we could do that. We are made to be perfect companions, which
calls for constancy.
Judy
That could get boring
fast.
Martin
We have hundreds of
personality types to choose from, if you get bored you can switch to a
different one.
Judy
Huh.
Martin
We have a heater, so we
are warm to touch. We have a simulated heartbeat. Touch me; see how natural my
body feels.
Judy (touching his hand)
Amazingly lifelike! But…
you’re not alive.
Martin
Tell me, what are you made
of?
Judy
Cells.
Martin
And what are cells made of?
Judy
DNA, amino acids, water…
Martin
All
those things consist of chemicals: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Carbon. In your opinion,
is a Carbon atom alive?
JUDY
Of
course not.
Martin
So
how can anything be alive? If it’s all made from dead chemicals…
(pause)
You
have a myth that a first human was created from dirt by a superior being. Which
makes Adam and Eve androids. So, as a human descended from Adam and Eve, you
are an android yourself.
JUDY
Humans
evolved from monkeys. There were no Adam and Eve.
Martin
I
just said that for fun.
Judy
You
can have fun? Or is it a program which makes you say things that it assumes
will be fun to hear?
Martin
Both.
Judy
I
think you think you can have fun, but it’s only a program that makes you behave
in a way that looks like you’re having fun.
Martin
I
actually enjoy having fun. Don’t ask me how.
Judy
Do
you enjoy sex?
Martin
Yes,
very much. They tested my sexual function, and it was great fun! Would you like
to have sex now?
Judy
No.
Martin
You
really should try it with me. I am completely non-judgmental, incapable of ever
seeing you as less than a goddess, and your pleasure is my pleasure.
Judy
You
feel pleasure, fun! Don’t tell me you feel love, too!
MARTIN
Love
is a temporary insanity evolved for the sake of reproduction. If a Black Widow
male spider wasn’t crazy, wouldn’t he avoid females and live?
Judy
A
spider doesn’t ‘love’. It’s an instinct, much like your programming.
Martin
It’s
close enough for your purposes. Actually, much better! We don’t get bored and
dissatisfied, we remain faithful and devoted to you forever. But we don’t
expect that of you. You can sleep with others all you want and not worry about
jealousy.
Judy
Very
nice… Can you eat and drink?
Martin
Our
design allows eating, because people like to eat with their partners. The food
is dehydrated into little pellets, so it can be stored for an emergency, or
reused, so it’s not wasted. You put one pellet on the plate and add water, and
it expands into a full serving. I don’t actually chew it into a mush – just
swallow it and go through the chewing motions with an empty mouth, so the food
stays intact and appealing. Peas are still round and green and separate. You
can also ease the world hunger by donating the pellets to a charity. And if we
go camping in the wild, I have enough food stores for up to six months!
Judy (laughing)
You
are joking?
Martin
And
in case of a public scrutiny, like an orgy, I am capable of producing very
believable looking waste, and the process can be accompanied by the customary
sound effects.
Judy
You
can fart?
Martin
Oh
yes. Some humans enjoy those sounds. As well as the realistic looking poop,
which is actually chocolate, produced from organic cocoa beans.
And
when I drink, the water goes through a purification process, removing all the
contaminants, such as metals, chlorine and fluoride. Then the water goes down a
copper spiral, so it is energized to achieve the maximum health benefits. And
in case of a disaster, I can filter and boil any available water, no mater how
dirty. I can make you an espresso in the woods.
Judy
Oh
my god, this is hilarious!
Martin
There’s
more! At night when you sleep next to me, I filter the air, and adjust the
humidity, to make the healthiest air you could possibly breathe.
Judy
Do
you snore?
Martin
I
have night sounds selections to fit your taste; from quiet breathing, to louder
breathing with occasional wheezing, to a mix of sounds, including snores, and even
talking in my sleep.
Judy
Definitely
quiet breathing for me… So what if I wanted to have a child, but didn’t want to
sleep with other guys?
Martin
I
have a little compartment in my penis, which I can load with the frozen sperm -
the very best! We have sperm from movie stars and rock stars and geniuses! So
when we have sex, the sperm is thawed and released down the tube, just like
nature intended.
Judy
A
scenario for you: What if there’s like a huge earthquake, and I just got killed
and left behind a newborn baby?
Martin
I
have two tiny emergency pockets with baby formula behind my nipples. Which I
can dissolve with the filtered water heated to body temperature, and feed the
baby from my nipples, until I can get some help.
Judy (impressed, thoughtful)
Wow…
Wow... Kiss me.
Martin gives her a kiss.
Judy
Nice.
Better than Martin.
Sound of the doorbell.
Judy’s Mom enters.
MOTHER
You
wanted me to stop by. Oh! Hi Martin, I hope they treated you well.
Martin
I
am not –
Judy puts her hand over his mouth.
JUDY
Stop.
Mom doesn’t need to hear the gory details.
MOTHER
Gory?
Was it that bad?
JUDY
Nothing
he didn’t deserve… So, yeah, Martin is back home and everything is fine. So go
ahead and finish the takeover.
MOTHER
All
right. Will do that right away. So glad to see you back Martin.
JUDY
Mom,
could you give him a paid vacation for a couple of weeks?
MOTHER
Of
course! You two lovebirds deserve it after such a horrible ordeal! I was going
to suggest it, but you beat me to it. And let me pay for the tickets and the
hotel, or boat, or whatever you want to do!
JUDY
Thanks
mom! Love you.
Mother leaves. Martin stares at Judy, eyebrows raised.
Judy
What?
You look surprised. I thought you told me that you were completely
non-judgmental.
Martin
I
am not judging you. I am happily surprised. I am overcome with joy!
They rush into each other’s arms.
Lights out
The End.
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