As Sam is talking to his wife on his cell phone, the two bus passengers can't help becoming drawn into a relationship...
The characters:
Sam – a man in his 30’s – 40’s
Bus Passenger 1 – a woman
Bus Passenger 2 – a man
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Sam is calling his wife on his cell phone. The man and a woman sitting close by listen to his conversation.
Sam
Honey, I’ve just seen a doctor…
(pause)
No, no, nothing is wrong! I’m completely healthy. Just different… From now on my name is Samantha, not Samuel. You can still call me Sam for short, so it’s not going to be too hard to adjust.
(pause)
The doctor helped me to figure out that I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
(pause)
So he prescribed me some female hormones to grow breasts, and I stopped at Value Village and bought me a skirt and leggings, and high heel shoes. And then I’ll get a sex change and become a real woman. Isn’t that wonderful!
(pause)
What! You promised to love me until death do us part in sickness and in health!
(pause)
What do you mean, “too sick”! Doctor said it was a perfectly normal condition. What! You can’t leave me!
Bus Passenger 1 (woman, to herself)
That is sick! If I was his wife, I’d leave him, too.
Sam
What about the wows? They don’t specify in which cases of sickness!
Passenger 1(to herself)
Uh-uh! Nobody could force me to stay with the man if he had something real infectious, like plague or leprosy or Aids.
Passenger 2 (to Passenger 1)
Oh yes! You’d have to stay with him and suffer! That’s your duty before God!
Pass. 1
You’ve got to be kidding!
Pass. 2
In the old days wives followed their husbands to leprosy colonies!
Pass. 1
I believe it was volunteer! No one forced them.
Pass. 2
They knew their sacred duties, they didn’t need to be forced!
Sam (into the phone)
Megan, it’s your sacred duty to stay with me. You can’t leave me, it would be a sin.
Pass. 1
Bullshit! If she stays that’s a sin too! She’d be sleeping with a woman, and that’s a sin.
Pass. 2
He would never really be a woman! He’d just look like a woman in a couple of critical places, but all the inside organs still be man’s. Like the prostate!
Sam
Megan, I’d still be the same guy you married on the inside! A couple of little physical changes shouldn’t matter!
Pass. 1
Where do you draw the line?
Pass. 2
Not at the outside stuff. Like if he lost a limb he’d still be the same person.
Pass. 1
A dick is not the same as an arm or a leg!
Pass. 2
Why not?
Sam
It’s not like I’d lose an arm or a leg…
Pass. 1
A dick is more definite of one’s you know who he is. It’s worse than losing an arm. A man without an arm is still a man, but a man without a dick is not a man!
Pass. 2
They used to castrate men like in history. To make them sing better or to guard harems. They were still men, just not capable of raping women.
Sam
They used to castrate men in the old days all the time to make them sing better and to guard better. They were still men, but better…
Pass. 1
Men without dicks aren’t men! They can’t fuck.
Pass. 2
They can too! They can use appliances, like cucumbers and vibrators. And tongues and fingers. It’s what in the mind that matters.
Sam
I’ll still be able to do all the things you like. I can use a cucumber or my fingers or my tongue…
Pass. 2
Most women aren’t happy with just straight fuck. They want some weird stuff that we guys aren’t totally understanding of…
Sam
I’m understanding…
Pass. 2 (to Pass. 1)
What’s your boyfriend like?
Sam
Wouldn’t you prefer a more sensitive fuck?
Pass. 1 (to Pass. 2)
I don’t have a boyfriend.
Pass. 2
Then you should just shut your trap! You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!
Sam
You don’t know what you’re talking about!
Pass. 2 (to Pass.1)
No wonder! A bitch like you! You wouldn’t know a good man if one fell on you!
Sam
You wouldn’t appreciate a good man if one fell on you!
Pass. 1
A good man wouldn’t try to be someone else! He’d be a man!
Pass. 2
What does it mean to be a man!
Pass. 1
Normally it means you’re like a dog in heat running after every pretty young bitch…
Sam
Megan, would you rather have a typical man full of mojo who cheats on you every chance he gets!
Pass 2
Not all men like the young. I’d rather go out with you than with some young chick who don’t know what she wants.
Pass 1
Well, I may be ugly and fat but I do know what I want!
Sam
I’ll still want you, I won’t suddenly start liking men…
Pass 2
You’re beautiful then.
Pass 1
Thanks.
Pass 2
Where’re you going?
Pass 1
To Red Apple to get some chicken for dinner and a jug of wine.
Sam
Why don’t I stop at Red Apple and get some chicken and wine and we’ll have a romantic dinner with the candles. I’ll cook for you. And I’ll wash the dishes, and then I’ll give you a foot rub…
Pass 2
I tell you what, I’ll pay for the chicken and the wine and you share it with me.
Pass 1
Well, I ain’t rich, so I won’t pass up such an offer. But don’t get any funny ideas.
Pass 2
No, no funny nothing. I’m dead serious.
Sam
Honey, don’t blow it all out of proportion! I have to wait a few years before I can have the operation. They want to be sure that I’m sure… Okay, I’m going to the store for the chicken and the wine now. See you in about a half hour.
Pass 1
Well, it’s our stop.
All 3 get off the bus.
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