The characters:
Lola – District Manager, a highly unpleasant woman
Angelica – attractive woman
Linda – attractive young woman, younger than Angelica
Shawn – attractive man
Maria – a Hispanic woman
Customers
INTERIOR. CORPORATE TRAINING ROOM FOR LINGOS R US KIOSK MANAGERS
Lola the District Mgr is conducting a training pep talk for the new managers.
LOLA
Congratulations! You are now Management!
The main thing to keep in mind is - your subordinates hate you, because you probably have less experience and education, but were put above them. They think they should have been promoted, not you. It’s not like they weren’t considered at some point, but they weren’t the management material. So they will never be promoted. However, they all retain a false illusion that if you were gone, they might be. By all means, don’t disillusion them – it makes them work harder.
Since no one with a warning within six months qualifies for a promotion, make sure to give each subordinate a written warning every few months. If anyone makes a six-month stretch without a warning – watch out! Luckily, it’s almost impossible to go for six months without making a mistake. In order to help you, we have added three more steps to already redundant paperwork. With that much redundancy it’s easy to forget a step.
Make sure to spy on them! Swing by the kiosk unexpectedly and sneak up on them from behind. Especially at the least busy times, when they are most likely to be bored and to read or surf the internet.
Don’t be too nice to them. If they quit – so much the better! We want to keep the turnover high - it is safer. A person who is with the company for a long time could convince the judge that she’s been passed over for the promotion due to some sort of discrimination. When nobody is with us for more than a few months, nothing like this could happen. A few tenacious employees, who are extra good at being sneaky, need to be gotten rid of safely. Which means you have to check their paperwork more attentively and to spy on them more often. Try to get them angry at you, so they lose their cool. You need to either get them so upset they’ll quit on their own, or write them up three times in a row, so we’ll have grounds for firing them.
Okay, are you boys ready to manage? I can’t hear you! (“yes”) Louder! (“YES”) Good. Go sick them boys.
The new managers (all young, Caucasian males) storm out with war-like cries.
Lingos-R-Us kiosk at Westerly mall.
Angelica is the salesperson in attendance.
Customer 1 walks up to her.
Customer 1
I want to learn Russian. Show me how it works.
Angelica
Wonderful! Let's get started right away. We use a revolutionary technology, utilizing all of your senses, including smell, to improve retention. See this scratch and sniff card: Every time you hear a word, you'll not only see the picture of the object and hear the characteristic sound, but you’ll smell it too! You have to scratch it like this:
Voice of the computer
SOBAKA… Woof, woof.
Angelica scratches the spot and holds it up to the customer's nose. He winces.
Voice
KOSHKA. Meow, meow.
Angelica scratches. Customer 1 winces and attempts to move away.
Voice
TOOAHLYET.
Sound of a fart and a toilet flashing.
The customer screams and pushes the sniff card away.
Angelica
The science has proven that we remember things better when they are emotionally charged. I bet you’ll never forget the words you learned today. One week of using this product is equivalent to a year of college. We back up this claim by a tonight’s money back guarantee.
Customer 1
So how much is the system?
Angelica
That’s the good news! It’s just over $900.
Customer 1
How much over, exactly?
Angelica
Nine hundred ninety nine…
Customer
A thousand bucks! Holy shit!
Angelica
Now that's one way of looking at it…
Customer 1 walks away.
Customer2 comes.
Customer2
I bought this yesterday. I want to return it. Here's the receipt.
Angelica
Sorry you can't return it. You went past the guarantee time.
Customer
You said two nights guarantee.
Angelica
That's right. I said "tonight's". T, O, N, I, G, H, T', S. One word - meaning that same night. You should have brought it back last night. Sorry.
Customer
You misled me!
Angelica
Not at all. It says that on your receipt too.
Customer
Where!
Angelica
Right there.
Customer
This sprinkling of very fine dust?
Angelica
Yes. There's no such a thing as the Small Print police, is there? Besides, it's for the good cause. We use the smallest font size to save the rain forest.
Customer
How does it help the rain forest!
Angelica (explains patiently)
It’s ‘rain forest’, not ‘dry forest’. It has to rain there like all the time. And rain is made of what? Water! And what is ink made with? Water. So by conserving ink we conserve water. Bye-bye.
Customer
I'd like to speak to your manager.
Angelica writes a phone number on a piece of paper and hands it to the Customer.
Angelica
Sure. Here's his phone number. Be my guest.
Customer
Can I use your phone?
Angelica
Sorry, this phone is not for public use.
Customer
I am a customer!
Angelica
Not any longer. Returning the product undoes your customer status and makes you just a public.
He dials the number on his cell-phone as he starts to walk away, but hears the ringing in Angelica's pocket and turns around. He looks at her suspiciously.
Customer
Aren't you going to answer your phone?
Angelica
No. We aren't allowed personal calls at work.
She turns the phone off and grins. Customer presses re-dial button and walks away holding the phone to his ear.
Shawn walks up to the kiosk.
Shawn
Can you believe it! Everyone makes me feel guilty for earning money! What’s wrong with them!
Angelica
Who’s everyone?
Shawn
Maria, for instance.
Angelica
Isn’t this a new jacket?
Shawn
Yeah. Cool, huh?
Angelica
Oh, and new pants, too?
Shawn
Yeah.
Angelica
So how much was it all together?
Shawn
Only a couple of hundred bucks.
Angelica
And how much did you make?
Shawn
About a couple of hundred bucks.
Angelica
You’ve got a bunch of child support owing, but you spend all your money on clothes and you’re wondering why Maria is mad at you!
Shawn
Why should she be? She gets DSHS and food stamps and all kinds of free shit like school and daycare...
Angelica
I’m sick of your selfishness! Give me back my cell phone. Now.
He pulls it out of his pocket and hands it to her.
Shawn
What’s got into you?
Angelica
The charger, too.
He gives her the charger very reluctantly.
Shawn
But now you won’t be able to call me!
Angelica
That’s the idea.
Shawn
What if you get horny?
Angelica
I’ll manage.
Shawn
You women are all the same!
Angelica
Sensible?
Shawn
No. Manipulative bitches.
Shawn walks away.
Customer 3 walks up to Angelica.
Customer
I’d like to return this. You said one week of this product is like one year of college!
Angelica
That’s right.
Customer
It’s not true! I studied for a week and I’m nowhere near at what a person after a year of college should be.
Angelica
If you took a course in college - one hour per week, if I multiply one by the number of weeks in a year I’d get, roughly, 52 hours...
Customer
Not roughly. One times 52 is exactly 52. Not roughly.
Angelica
Right. Okay... so, if you studied 8 hours a day for a week you’d have studied approximately 56 hours, which well exceeds a year of college...
Customer
Exactly 56 hours, not approximately.
Angelica
Right. And 56 hours is like more than 52 hours...
Customer
It is more. By 4 hours.
Linda
So it’s not Lingos-R-Us’es
( pronounced: “are asses”)
fault if you don’t take the time to study.
Customer walks away.
Angelica's shift replacement Linda walks up.
Angelica
Hi Linda, how are you?
Linda
I smoked sooo much weed last night, I'm still happy.
Angelica
That's nice. Well, I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be right back.
Angelica walks away. Customer 4 walks up to the kiosk.
Customer 4
I'd like to get level 3 in Spanish.
Linda
Sorry, but we’re all out.
Customer 4
But it's right there on the shelf, right there…
Linda
That's just an empty box, for display only.
Customer 4
Oh, there’s another!
(grabs the box)
This one isn’t empty - it’s heavy.
Linda (reaching for the box)
We put rocks in them to confuse the thieves.
Customer 4 (shakes the box)
It doesn’t feel like rocks. It sounds more like the books and CD’s.
Linda (grabbing the box)
Yeah, they’re fake rocks made to feel like books, polished and padded.
Linda succeeds in getting a box away from the customer.
Customer 4
Could you order it for me then?
Linda
No.
Customer 4
Why not?
Linda
The warehouse is all out too. But hey, why don’t you get a complete set? It has part three in it.
Customer 4
I already have 1 and 2.
Linda
Tell you what; come back tomorrow morning. I hear the other gal who works mornings has a secret stash.
Customer 4
Thank you! I’ll do that.
Customer 4 leaves. Angelica comes back from the bathroom.
Angelica
This is weird…
Linda
What's weird?
Angelica
I have like a stampede every morning of people wanting level threes.
Linda
Hmm…
Angelica
I don't mind - more commission for me.
Linda
I'm glad you see it that way. I’m not selling level threes…
Angelica
They can't fire us for doing our jobs! I sent an email to the boss's boss's boss explaining that it is totally unfair to penalize us for selling level threes.
Linda
So how did he reply?
Angelica
The same way they always reply: "Yada, yada, yada, bla, bla, bla…” They should publish a How To book called: “A Thousand-and-one Subtle Ways To Legally Screw Your Employees Out Of Their Earnings”. Sure they'd much rather people order level 3’s on line, so the bastards don't have to pay us commissions!
Linda
True. But I'm still not going to sell level threes. Anyone falling under 70% ranking will be written up!
Angelica
I don't care. I'll take your customers, I need the money.
Linda
Well, you need it, with a boy-toy like Shawn!
Angelica
I fired him today. Got my cell-phone back. I'm going to concentrate on saving money for a while, then I'll get a better quality boy-toy.
Linda
Why can't you just get a boyfriend? Someone nice who really loves you?
Angelica
People have to spend time together to fall in love. Who has time for that? The only way to get ‘someone nice’ is to get a job as a teacher in a middle school. Little boys always have crushes on their teachers. But that's too dangerous - you could end up in jail if you’re not careful…
Linda
I guess I better hurry up and get married while the offer holds...
Angelica
In 3 years tops he'll divorce you, unless you divorce him first. The only way to keep him is to cut off his balls. I could help you hire someone from Russian Mafia to do it cheap. They'll make it look like an accident.
Linda
I can see a finger getting cut off by accident or a toe, but balls! They aren't exactly in the way…
Angelica
That's part of the service you pay for, to figure out these details… So, make sure to do it as soon as you have the number of children you want. Having those children is guaranteed to make you fat and your boobs droop, so you'll want to snip his mojo right away...
Linda
Oh, crap! My weed happiness wore off. I need more weed like asap!
Angelica
Just call our friendly neighborhood weed delivery service. In fact, there he goes, look, right there. See him - taking some weed to Starbucks. Just wave to him when he comes back this way.
Linda
Can you lend me $20?
Angelica
No! You ask me like every day, and every day I say “no”. Why do you always ask?
Linda
Sorry. It’s a habit. My ex-boyfriend always asked for stuff. He never had to pay for anything. Like we’d go to a restaurant, and he’d say, “I’d like a complimentary meal, because I’m not sure if I like your food.” And they’d give it to him! Hanging around him for a while sort of rubbed off. Now I can’t help asking for stuff too. Just in case.
Angelica
Well, stop asking me.
Linda
Look, it just doesn’t feel right to stop, because if I did stop, I might miss that one day when you won a lottery or fell in love, when you would have definitely given me the twenty...
Angelica
Ahhhhh… I got to go. Bye…
Angelica walks away.
Shawn comes over.
Shawn
Hey, what’s up?
Linda
The ceiling, the sky...
Shawn (interrupting)
Can I use your phone?
Linda (continuing)
Your impertinence…
Shawn
I need to use your phone. I left mine some place, I’ve got to call it, to try to get it back.
Linda
Left it some place? Hmm. Okay, just this once.
Shawn dials the number and waits. He dials again and waits. He gives up and hands the phone back to Linda angrily.
Shawn
Fuck! No one answers. Now what am I going to do! Can I borrow a $20?
Linda
Of course not. But if you find me a good customer you’ll get a cut.
Shawn
I don’t know anyone who can afford to learn a language.
Linda
But do you, perhaps, know someone who can afford to buy a ball of weed?
Shawn
Oh yeah, lots of people. Do you have any coke or meth?
Linda
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Shawn
Okay. Okay.
Linda
Need to use the phone again?
Shawn
Oh yeah.
He dials.
Shawn (into the phone)
Hey man. Need some drugs right now? I’ll make you a real good deal…
Linda (buts in )
No you won’t.
Shawn (smooth, without a pause)
…I’ll sell them to you… Okay, I’ll meet you by the fountain in front of Westerly Mall.
He hangs up the phone.
Shawn (to Linda)
Hey, do you have a cigarette for while I’m waiting?
Linda gives him a cigarette. Shawn walks away.
Maria stomps up to the kiosk waving a gun.
Maria
You stole my man!
Linda
Which one?
Maria
You know! Puta! Prepare to die!
Linda
At least tell me which man you’re shooting me for?
Maria
Shawn.
Linda (laughs)
No, no, no, you’re mistaken. It’s another gal who works here you want.
Maria
Don’t lie to me! I just saw you talking to him, and now he’s sitting outside waiting for you.
Linda
No, no, no, he’s not waiting for me! Go ask him yourself, he’ll tell you.
Maria
Of course he’ll tell me he’s not waiting for you - the LYING DOG! He never tells the truth.
Maria points the gun at Linda.
Linda
Shouldn’t you be shooting him then? Sounds like it’s all his fault.
Maria
How is it his fault! It’s a force of nature – fire in his loins. He can’t help it if all the women want him!
Linda
Are you talking about Shawn? The one who is outside? The one who hasn’t had a job in 5 years?
Maria
That’s what makes him such an easy prey for all those lusty bitches! They give him money to fuck them!
Linda
Well, that’s not me!
Maria
Nice try bitch! Prepare to die.
Maria raises the gun and aims.
Linda
Wait! If you kill me you go to jail, and your children will lose their mother. Think of your children!
MARIA
They’ll be proud of me for doing the right thing! They’ll understand.
LINDA
It won't help to kill me! Even if Shawn were my boyfriend, which he's not, he'd just go out with someone else. And then what will you do? You'll be in prison.
MARIA
No problem. My brother will kill her for me.
LINDA
And what about after your brother goes to jail?
MARIA
No problem. I have 10 brothers.
Maria aims again.
LINDA
Wait! Don't you think quick dying would be too good for a 'bitch' like me? Shouldn't I suffer fate worse than death? How about I'll never see Shawn again?
MARIA
You will suffer after you die! You will burn in Hell for your sins!
LINDA
Ah! So you're a Christian?
MARIA
Si! I'm a devout Catholic.
LINDA
Then you can't kill me! God forbids killing.
MARIA
He approves of killing sinners. He set many examples.
LINDA
I'll buy that. But shouldn't you at least give me a chance to repent!
MARIA
That's true. Even the worst pig should be given a chance to repent…
LINDA
Great. Let me call a priest real quick.
MARIA
How I know you're calling the priest and not cops?
LINDA
Because I'll be saying stuff like, "Bless me father for I have sinned."
MARIA
Okay, call your priest.
Linda dials 911.
MARIA
Why you dial such short number?
LINDA
I have a priest on my speed-dial. Don't you?
MARIA
Of course.
AUTOMATED MESSAGE
All the operators are on the phone, on brake or in the bathroom. If you do not feel like holding, do hang up; your call is NOT important to us...
VOICE OF 911 OPERATOR
911.
LINDA (into the phone)
Would you SEND a priest RIGHT AWAY to Westerly mall? I am about to be MURDERED and I need to get absolution… I'm on the main floor at Lingos-R-Us kiosk...
VOICE OF 911 OPERATOR
So why are you calling us? Call the church.
LINDA
Could you just send anyone who's available? I'm about to be shot in a minute.
VOICE
Lady, I'm telling you, we don't have any priests here…
LINDA
WHOEVER YOU DO HAVE will be fine. I'm not that particular right now.
VOICE
We only have police officers.
LINDA
That would be great!
VOICE
You want a police officer?
LINDA
Yes please.
VOICE
So what is the reason you want an officer?
LINDA
I AM ABOUT TO BE MURDERED BY A WOMAN WITH A GUN.
VOICE
Do you know the assailant’s first and last name and her date of birth?
LINDA
No.
VOICE
Would you mind asking her?
LINDA
Yes, I’d mind.
VOICE
Could you describe her?
LINDA
No.
VOICE
I'll have an officer stop by within 48 hours.
Click - the 911 operator hung up.
LINDA (to Maria)
A priest is on his way here. There is a rush of murders tonight. Must be a full moon. Would you like to learn a language while you are waiting?
MARIA
Okay. Teach me Spanish.
LINDA
I thought you knew Spanish.
MARIA
No.
LINDA
Then what is your native language?
MARIA
English.
LINDA
But you have the accent!
MARIA
What do you mean! Everyone in LA talks like this.
Shawn walks up to the kiosk.
Shawn
Hi Maria, learning a language?
Maria
You filthy dog! You dare act like nothing is going on! I'm not here to learn a language, I'm here to kill her!
Shawn
Why? We aren't doing anything wrong! We're just trying to sell some drugs to make a couple of bucks.
Maria
You swear on the lives of your children?
Shawn
Yeah, I totally do. Linda, show that crazy woman the drugs.
Linda shows Maria drugs.
Maria
You're not cheating on me, you're just selling the drugs. I'm so happy!
Shawn
Good. Now go home. I'll see you later. I am waiting for a customer.
Maria
Okay, I go. But don't spend all the money on yourself again. Think of your hungry children.
Shawn
That reminds me: make yourself useful, stop at the food bank on the way.
Maria
You’re so mean to me!
Shawn
What do you expect! You don’t trust me! You tell me it’s okay for me to see other women for business reasons, like scamming them or selling drugs, but then you try to kill them!
Maria
Fine! Take this gun and shoot me in the heart! No, I’ll shoot myself! I don’t want to live without you!
She makes a tragic face and puts a gun to her chest. She sobs.
Shawn
Come on baby, give me the gun. I love you.
Maria
You do?
Shawn
Yes, yes. Only you, forever and ever.
She gives him the gun.
Linda’s phone rings.
Linda
Hello.
(pause)
Yeah, he’s here. He’ll be right out.
(to Shawn)
Your customer is outside.
Maria
I’m coming with you.
Shawn
You still don’t trust me!
Maria
I trust you. But if I can go with you I’d trust you more.
Shawn
That’s stupid! If we get busted we both go to jail!
Maria
Okay, I’ll be like 20 feet away and act like I don’t know you.
Shawn
Can you do that the rest of the day?
Maria
Well… yeah….
Shawn
All right then. Let’s go.
Shawn and Maria leave.
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