Clara goes to a sorcerer to learn how to create a perfect man for herself. She creates Shawn, but her ideas of perfection make for the worst boyfriend...
LIST OF CHARACTERS:
Clara : A woman 20’s-30’s
Don Jose : A cute young girl.
Shawn: A sexy man who can play a guitar and sing, 20’s – 30’s
Michelle: A cute, a bit slutty young woman in early 20’s
SCENE 1
Don Jose, the sorcerer is already on stage. Clara enters.
Clara
I'm looking for Don Jose, the sorcerer.
Don Jose:
I am Don Jose.
Clara stares.
DON JOSE
Something wrong?
CLARA
Hmm… I thought you'd be a man... and older…
DON JOSE
I am. Was. I thought I'd give myself a body that I'd enjoy looking at in the mirror.
Don Jose slaps himself/herself on the butt.
CLARA
Oh, wow!
DON JOSE
So what can I do for you?
Clara:
I want to be a sorceress. Well, actually, I just want to make me a man, a perfect man. That's all.
Don Jose:
Of all the 3 billion men none is perfect for you?
Clara:
Even if there was, I’d have no way of finding him. He probably doesn’t speak English and lives somewhere in Finland…
Don Jose (sighs, shakes his head):
I sympathize, but I’m a very busy man... Give me a good reason why I should help you. What can you do for me to make it worth my while? If I like your answer, I’ll teach you.
Clara
I don’t think you’d be wanting any sexual favors, right?
Don Jose (nods):
Good, you appear to have some rudimentary intelligence.
Clara:
I can write a book called The Teachings of Don Jose.
Don Jose:
Hmm… Wouldn't I be the most qualified person to write such a book?
Clara:
True. But I can flatter you much more than you ever could without appearing immodest.
Don Jose (smiling):
You have a sense of humor as well, and you'll need it… How much cash did you bring with you?
CLARA
$500.
DON JOSE
Your today's lesson will cost you $500.
CLARA
But why do you need money? You can make whatever you need out of the thin air...
DON JOSE
You know the saying, "You get what you pay for?" The $500 happens to be just the right amount for you to value your lesson properly.
Clara produces $500, counts it and gives it to Don Jose.
DON JOSE
Now… what is reality, really?
Clara (digging in her bag):
Hold on, let me get my notebook…
Don Jose:
I don’t want you writing anything while you are listening… Okay… First step is to realize that absolutely nothing material exists. If you keep breaking down the matter you'd end up with nothing but tiny swirls of energy that are both there and not there at the same time. What that means is deep down, very deep down there’s nothing but possibilities. Your mind, which is also only a possibility, imagines itself and everything you do and see. I don’t exist. Neither do you.
Clara:
I only imagine talking to you and what you would say back to me?
Don Jose:
Right.
Clara:
And all other people do the same thing?
Don Jose:
There are no other people. No one exists; everyone is just a possibility. Any point of the infinity is a possible center of someone’s universe. It’s just a matter of standing there and looking from it…
Clara:
But… somehow the first possibility had to start thinking. Could that first possibility be God?
Don Jose:
Time doesn't exist either. A ‘first thought’ is no longer first if the ‘second thought’ reaches further into the past. Everyone has a choice: to be a God or to invent one. Most people invent a God.
Clara:
Why is that?
Don Jose:
It’s much more comforting to think that there’s someone powerful out there you can call on at a time of need. Besides, being a God is too lonely. Unfortunately, in order to create reality you have no choice but to be a God…
CLARA
But I intend to create a mate exactly because I don't want to be lonely!
DON JOSE
Go right ahead, see what happens.
Lights out.
SCENE 2
Lights on.
Clara is meditating somewhere in the park with her eyes closed, saying out loud.
Clara
I create you, my perfect man. You are handsome and intelligent. You have a great sense of humor. You play a guitar, you sing… You have beautiful eyes… You are slim, about my height… Oh, and you're well endowed… about 8 to 10" long… Come right now, my perfect man… Come to me…
Shawn enters the stage during Clara's monologue. He is carrying a guitar behind his back. He stops and listens to her. She opens her eyes and sees him.
Clara ( ecstatic):
You came! My perfect man!
Shawn (puffing up with self-importance):
Wow! Usually it takes a bit longer, at least a few minutes. You must be psychic.
Clara:
That’s because I am a sorceress and I just created you right now.
Shawn:
Does it make you responsible for me then?
Clara (sweetly):
Of course!
Shawn:
Great! It appears I wasn’t created with food in my stomach; I’m starving.
Clara (exalted, joyful):
Let’s go to my house eat, drink and celebrate!
Shawn
Right on!
They leave holding hands.
Lights out.
SCENE 3
Lights on.
Clara’s living room. Furnishings minimal: a couch and a coffee table, boom box, a couple of mugs or glasses on the table… Shawn and Clara enter. Clara is carrying a grocery bag, she takes a bottle of wine out of it. Shawn takes his guitar out, checks to see if it is in tune and plays something, anything. Clara pours the wine.
Clara:
You are so good!
Shawn:
Thanks. Hey, you said you created me this afternoon… How do you explain me going to high school, being in the band and all that?
Clara:
Don Jose explained that when we create reality we create the past history as well. As if you were a real person and existed before we met…
Shawn:
Who’s Don Jose?
Clara:
A wizard.
Shawn:
Aha…. So you meant to create me a musician?
Clara:
Oh yes! I need someone to write music for my songs.
Shawn:
Wouldn't it have been easier to take some guitar lessons instead of going through all that trouble of creating a person? Just joking! I'll help you with your songs, no problem.
Clara:
Oh, I’m so excited! This is going to be awesome… More wine?
Shawn:
Watch out, when I'm drunk I dance around naked…
Clara refills his glass without waiting for an answer.
Shawn:
You are beautiful! But you must hear it a lot from other guys, you must be real bored by it, so I won’t mention it again… And now I’m going to make a toast…
(he stands up to make a toast)
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and all other pertinent vital organs for creating me today. I’d like to congratulate you on your good taste in making me so perfect. In fact, the whole world thanks you! Let us drink to the new improved word with me now in it!
They click their cups, drink. Shawn turns on the boom box. They dance. They touch each others fingertips, they move closer and closer and off the stage.
Fade to black
SCENE 4
Clara’s bedroom. Night. Stage is dark at first, we hear voices only. Slow fade (about 10 sec) to slight visibility.
Shawn:
Stop touching me!
Clara:
Why are you being so mean?
Shawn (angrily):
The slightest touch, the tiniest shaking of the mattress wakes me up. I really can't sleep with people.
Lights come on enough by now so we see Shawn’s shadow get up and walk across the stage. We see her shadow sit there for a few seconds then get up and walk across the stage, too.
Lights on dim. Clara’s living room.
Shawn
I won’t be anyone’s whore!
Clara (hurt):
What on earth brought that on? I’m sorry you feel that way! You are free to do whatever you want.
Shawn:
Like that song says, “Girl, you’ve got to hide your love away…” You think because you created me you can let all that love of yours drip all over me like a sticky, suffocating goo! A real woman must know how to play hard to get to keep the guy interested.
Clara (sighs):
Sorry. I was so happy with you… I assumed you felt the same…
Shawn:
No, I’m not happy. I feel like a gigolo. Try to love me … more… like… unconditionally. Okay? Plus, I really need my own room.
Clara:
Okay, I’ll try… About your own room – this is a one-bedroom apartment. I don't think it's fair to expect me to…
Shawn ( doesn’t let her finish ):
I don't expect you to do anything. I’ll sleep on the couch from now on, unless you decide to move into a two-bedroom.
Lights out.
SCENE 5
Lights on.
Clara’s living room. Clara and Shawn walk in. He plops down on the couch.
Shawn (sings):
“I… am the meaning of Pi… the meaning of Pi…”
Clara:
Must you always flirt with every cute girl you see?
Shawn:
You made me perfect, so, naturally, all the girls are crazy about me.
Clara:
But you’re not supposed to care! You aren’t supposed to be this shallow!
Shawn:
Who is shallow? Since I’m only a figment of your imagination, all my thoughts and feelings are really yours. You're the one incapable of imagining what it's like to love someone plain, which is how you see yourself. If you loved yourself you might be able to believe that I could love you, too, and then I couldn’t help it but be in love with you...
Clara storms out of the room.
Fade to black
SCENE 6
Lights on.
Clara's living room. Shawn and Michelle are singing. Clara walks in, stares.
Shawn sings:
Looking for love
Is a waste of time
Just look for lust
And have a good time
No one can be
All that you need
Not any one man
You’d ever meet
So, for a faithful soul
That will stick around
Go get a doggy
From a local pound
Looking for love
Is a waste of time
Take care of your needs
And you’ll be just fine
Shawn to Clara:
How do you like my new song?
Clara:
It 's all right…
Shawn ( to Clara ):
This is Michelle. She is a real good singer. You know how I’ve always been talking about starting a band? Well, I’m finally doing it! Michelle just left her husband, so we’d be able to work on our music day and night! Great, isn’t it?
Michelle:
Dick never understood me. Shawn helped me realize that life is too short to stay married to someone you don't love…
Clara:
How long have you been married?
Michelle:
Since high school.
Clara:
Are you sure you don’t love him? Shawn can be very persuasive
Michelle
Dick – my husband refused to accept that I didn't feel physically attracted to him…
Shawn (butts in, laughing, to Clara):
The guy is UGLY! And fat. He looks like a water buffalo. No one can be blamed for not being attracted to him.
Clara (ignores him, addresses Michelle):
Does he have a job?
Michelle:
Well, yeah…
Shawn (buts in again):
But it’s a real stupid, boring job!
Clara (to Shawn):
At least he has a job! More than can be said for you!
Shawn ( angrily ):
I work all the time, harder than anyone! Just because I don’t punch the clock somewhere and kiss ass doesn’t mean I don’t work! I think, I practice playing guitar, I do research, I help people…
Clara:
You help people?! Really? Could you expand on it a bit?
Shawn (pompously):
I’m helping people to transcend their egos, to become more conscious, to be better people. For example: I intend to help Michelle. So I’m going to let her stay in my room for a while.
Clara:
No she can’t! There’s only one bed there.
Shawn:
It's my room, is it not?
Clara (rather uncertain):
Well, yes… but…
Shawn (sternly, making horrible eyes):
No buts! It's my room, and it's my right to use it anyway I see fit.
Clara (almost shaking and choking with anger):
Not any longer! You’re not paying for it, you’re just a guest here, completely at my mercy.
Shawn:
Let’s be reasonable. Why can’t I have both of you? Two of the world’s most popular religions like Mormons and Muslims consider it proper and virtuous! Some men just can’t be satisfied with only one woman. If you keep forcing me into monogamy I’d have to leave.
Clara:
I… I… I don’t know... I suppose it could work, but only if all the women were treated fairly and equally. Like the man would alternate between them every night…
Shawn:
Don’t expect me to alternate. You snore! Besides, to be fair by your own proposal, I’d have to make up for all the time I slept with you by sleeping with her that long, and that’s like a few months...
Clara
You are not paying rent, so if you let her stay as much as one night, consider yourself evicted. Shawn (to Michelle):
Michelle, you did bring the money, did you? It’s $400. Michelle:
Yeah.
She pulls out $400 and hands it to Clara.
Shawn:
Now it’s Michelle’s room, and she has a right to have her current boyfriend over. Michelle, do you want me to be your current boyfriend?
Michelle (giggling):
Oh, yeah!
Shawn:
There! I’m legally staying here. Come, girlfriend, let us go to the kitchen and make us some food.
Clara:
It’s my food, I bought it!
Shawn:
Did I not specifically use the words: “I want burritos. Get the flour tortillas, beans and cheese”? Did I not use these very words?
Clara:
Yes…
Shawn:
The key here is, “I want burritos.” So your action of buying the specified items signifies your acquiescence and makes them my burritos.
(To Michelle):
Come, help me make so MY burritos, current girlfriend, and then we’ll feed them to each other with our fingers.
(Shawn wiggles his fingers in the air)
Isn’t it romantic?
Michelle (giggling):
Terribly romantic.
Shawn leads her to the back of the stage to the supposed kitchen counter. Clara grabs a book, and sits down to read, making a stoic effort at ignoring Shawn and Michelle.
Lights out.
SCENE 7
Lights on. Clara’s living room. She walks in. There’s a large bottle of wine on the coffee table. Shawn pours a glass and hands it to Clara.
Shawn
Sit down, have some wine with us.
Clara:
What is the occasion? Something is up, isn’t it?
Shawn :
Well… you might find the subject of the conversation a bit unpleasant… Drink at least one whole glass first. I am a compassionate kind of a guy!
Clara shrugs her shoulders and gulps down the wine. Shawn pours her another glass and sets the bottle on the coffee table in front of her.
Shawn:
Michelle, please tell her what you told me.
Michelle (to Clara):
I feel like you are constantly de-valuing my feelings for Shawn. Well, I love him very deeply! You are obviously not ever going to accept that.
Shawn:
Yeah! You keep trying to find something wrong with her all the time, keep probing, hoping to find some weakness, some crack, so you can start enlarging it by snide little comments here and there…
Clara:
Well, I’m sorry if you perceive it that way…
Shawn:
You are a selfish, evil woman! We want you to move out.
Clara:
I'm not going anywhere! The lease is in my name. I paid the deposit.
Shawn
You know I could never get an apartment on my own! I have no credit, no rental history, no job. I'm asking you to have some compassion for me and move.
Clara
You have some nerve! After a year of sponging off me you dare to ask me to give up my apartment and my deposit! And even if I did, is Michelle willing to support you?
Shawn
She wouldn't have to. I filed for SSI and that’s going to give me enough to pay my share of the rent and my food.
Clara
Social Security! You are young and strong as a bull! There’s nothing wrong with you!
Shawn:
Are you a psychiatrist?! Well, are you?
Clara
No.
Shawn
Then you are not qualified to make a diagnosis. You have no idea how miserable I am all the time! I have panic attacks, I can’t sleep, I’m depressed, bored… I almost hit Michelle the other day… I am obviously too sensitive and need medication.
Clara:
You are depressed and can’t sleep because you get up at noon and do absolutely nothing all day, but sit around, smoke and drink coffee.
Shawn:
I sit around all day, as you say, because I can’t work, because I have emotional and mental issues. Did you create me like this – broken on purpose, so that I would never be able to support myself, so that I would always have to depend on you, so that I could never leave you?
Clara:
Never! I imagined you perfect in every way! I don’t know what went wrong… Don Jose says even God failed to make a perfect man…
Shawn:
Your Don Jose is a fucking idiot!
Michelle ( to Clara):
You’re fucking crazy! You belong in a psycho-ward with real Napoleon and real Jesus!
Clara to Michelle:
You don’t exist…
Michelle:
I very much exist! So much that I’m pregnant! By your husband!
Clara to Shawn:
Is that true? Is she?
Shawn:
Yep. Had a test yesterday. I’m going to do the right thing, of course, marry her, be there for the baby, and all that.
Clara:
Impossible! I'd never imagine her pregnant!
Shawn (to Michelle):
Michelle, call 911. This woman is severely insane and is a danger to herself and others.
Michelle:
She sure is!
Michelle grabs the phone.
Shawn to Michelle:
Oh, hold on… A small sacrifice for the greater good is required… Are you ready?
Michelle nods. Shawn whacks Michelle in the eye.
Michelle
Ouch!
Shawn to Clara (teasing, half-singing):
You are going to ja-a-ail, you are going to ja-a-ail! They don’t like jealous, crazy drunks hitting pregnant women. Now I’ll get a restraining order and you won't ever be able to return to this apartment, lease or no lease.
Michelle dials 911.
Michelle :
Oh, yeah, please send an officer right away! My boyfriend’s ex is drunk and crazy, she is beating me up, because she is jealous… She's threatening to kill me…
Clara starts to cry.
Shawn ( to Clara):
We don’t care about your pain!
Lights fade to black
SCENE 9
Lights on
Clara is in a jail cell, talking to herself.
Clara
I curse you Michelle! You are going to give birth to a 20-pound monster with flippers instead of arms, without an anesthetic, and on a crowded bus. Your child will have needle-sharp long teeth and will bite off your nipple as soon as you try feeding it… Then you'll gain 200 pounds. Yes… And then Shawn will dump you… And I curse you, Shawn… I see you in an accident, all your pretty face is cut up in shreds, you are going to be ugly for the rest of your life, and nobody will ever go out with you!...
Voice on the intercom:
Clara Johnson, you have a visitor.
She leaves. She enters a visitor’s area at the same time as Don Jose, where she has to talk to him/her on the phone through a window.
Clara:
Why, why, why did all this have to happen!
Don Jose:
You’re in good company, my child. When God failed to create a perfect man, in Her fit of vengeance She cursed Adam’s children and their children’s children. She set them all up for a failure by being born flawed and inherently evil. So now mankind is a big mess. Isn’t this exactly what happened here, just on a smaller scale?
CLARA:
I give up. I just don’t have what it takes to be a sorceress.
DON JOSE:
Sorry, you have no choice in the matter. Except now you know how to fix it.
CLARA:
I do?
DON JOSE:
Of course!
Don Jose smiles and walks away.
Fade to black
SCENE 10
Lights on
Clara's apartment.
Shawn and Michelle are sitting on Clara’s couch.
Shawn:
I don’t have enough this month for rent and bills. I’m afraid I must pawn my guitar and the recorder… Unless you can cash in that 401K you told me you have.
Michelle:
Great! I should have never quit my job!
Shawn:
You kept whining all the time about how far it was and stuff. I wanted you to be happy. Besides, why didn’t you get another job closer? All you’ve done in the last month is sit on your ass!
Michelle
It’s okay for you to sit on your ass, but it’s not okay for me?
Shawn
I’m sick. I have agoraphobia – the fear of going out looking for a job… At least Clara understood that and had compassion.
MICHELLE
So why don’t you get back with your sugar momma! I’m not supporting you like she did!
SHAWN
I should. She loved me more than you ever could. She loved me for who I was, she accepted that I was sick and helpless. You are just using me for sex!
MICHELLE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND HITS A SPEED-DIAL BUTTON.
Shawn:
Who are you calling?
Michelle:
I’m calling Dick. He may be an ugly loser, but he’s nice to me, and he has a full-time job.
SHAWN RIPS THE PHONE OUT OF HER HAND.
Shawn:
We are not finished talking.
Michelle:
Well, I don’t feel like it.
MICHELLE GETS UP. SHAWN SHOVES HER BACK DOWN.
Shawn:
If I say we aren’t done talking, we aren’t done.
THE PHONE RINGS.
Michelle:
This must be Dick calling me back. If I don’t pick up, he’ll get worried and call the cops.
Shawn
Go ahead.
Michelle (into the phone):
Dick. Can you please come and get me?.. Right now… I’ll explain later. Hurry, please! I fear for my life! Thanks. Oh, and I love you.
(to Shawn)
He'll be here in an hour, so don't try anything stupid.
Shawn
“I fear for my life” – what a liar you are! You can't go back to him! You are pregnant with my baby.
Michelle
It’s not necessarily yours.
Shawn jumps up, goes to a closet (reaches behind the curtain) and starts throwing Michelle's clothes on the floor. He picks up the pile, goes to the door (whichever side of the stage is normally used for a door) and throws the clothes out.
Michelle
Why are you so angry! You were the one all for free love!
Shawn
Get out right now, bitch, before I totally lose it and kill you! You can wait for Dick outside.
Shawn crowds her out of the apartment with his body, sticking his face right up to hers, making a huge effort to keep his fists down. She backs out, looking scared.
Lights out
SCENE 10
Dark.
Voice on the Intercom:
Clara Johnson, please take your things and come out, you are being released.
Loud click of the door lock.
Lights on.
Clara is wearing her regular clothes. Enters Shawn.
CLARA:
What are you doing here?
SHAWN
You created me. Remember?
CLARA
I made a mistake. Now, piss off! Go fend for yourself.
He ignores her request and keeps on coming closer and closer to her. He sneakily puts something in her pocket.
SHAWN
You are forgetting something!
CLARA:
What?
SHAWN
Every time you create reality, you create the history as well. Right?
CLARA:
And?
SHAWN
You're mad at me because of the supposed history you hold on to. All you have to do is change it right now and we'll live happily ever after! I know you can do it… I love you.
CLARA:
I won’t let you manipulate me! Just leave me alone.
SHAWN
Please, give it a shot. You can erase the past. Let me help you. We woke up in each other’s arms this morning, made love, had soft-boiled eggs for breakfast and coffee. It was beautiful outside, we decided to go somewhere, so we took the bus. And here we are now - walking down this street… Look in your pocket.
Clara reaches inside her pocket and pulls out a bus transfer. She stares at it .
SHAWN
See, you did it - it worked! The past has been changed!
Clara laughs.
CLARA:
Okay, fine; I created you just now. You are my perfect man. Welcome into my world.
SHAWN
Don’t mind if I do…
They walk off the stage. Don Jose watches them from around the corner, smiles.
THE END.
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