Thursday, September 1, 2011

She interrupted


As long as Amy doesn't say a word, she is a perfect woman for Peter....

CHARACTERS:

Amy  - a cute woman in her 30's
Peter Sulliman – an arrogant businessman
Waiter or Waitress
Voice of Mr. Lee

            _____________________________________________________________

Peter is interviewing for a job. Amy walks in.

                        Peter
            Amy?

She nods.

                        Peter
            Have a seat.  Did you bring copies of your resume and references?

She nods and hands them to him.

                        Peter (reads her resume)
A house-cleaner, a housekeeper, a programmer, a rocket scientist, a house-cleaner… Nice. Lots of house-cleaning experience… Are you familiar with using vinegar and hydrogen peroxide solution instead of conventional cleaning supplies?

Amy nods.

                        Peter
Are you comfortable with vacuum cleaners, like, can you change bags, filters, and keeping from getting things stuck in them?

Amy nods.

                        Peter
I had to fire my last house cleaner because she ruined three brand new vacuums by getting used rubbers stuck in them. So it is very important to me that you’re somewhat technically savvy. Would you say you’re a little bit technically savvy?

Amy nods.

                        Peter
            So what do you think you’re worth per hour?

She shrugs indifferently.

                        Peter
            How is $10 an hour?

She shrugs, then nods.

                        Peter
All right. I’ll call your references, and if they all check out, you can start right away. Can you start right away?

She nods.

Lights out
Lights on

Peter is on the phone, Amy’s references in hand.

                        Peter
            Is this Mr. Lee?
           
                        Voice Over
            Yes it is.

                        Peter
My name is Peter Sulliman, I’m calling for a reference for Amy Slim… What exactly did her duties consist of?

            Voice
She worked on our Artificial Intelligence team…

            Peter
Teamwork, that’s good. Did she keep her workspace neat and clean?

            Voice
Yeah…

            Peter
            Would you hire her again?

                        Voice
Absolutely! I wish we didn’t have those research funds cuts, I am very distressed about having to lose such brilliant minds as…

                        Peter  (cuts him off)
            Thank you very much for your time.

Lights Out
Lights On

Peter is sitting down working on his laptop. Amy is cleaning the room. She vacuums, dusts, then she stands unsure waiting for Peter to move so she can vacuum the spot where his feet are.  At some point he looks up and moves to the table. He happens to glance back when she is bending over to pull a used rubber from the vacuum. He stares at her butt. As she stands up he says:

                        Peter
            You’re doing an excellent job…
           
She smiles.
                        Peter
            And you have such pretty …  eh… eyes…
            Would you be able to join me for dinner at 6 o’clock? My treat.

Amy nods.
                        Peter
            It’s a deal then.

His cell phone rings.
                        Peter (into the phone)
            So Jim, what did you think of my numbers? Too high! Are you kidding!            
            I’m giving you a rock bottom price here... Ok, listen, here’s what I…

Amy picks up her cleaning supplies and starts leaving the room.

                        Peter (to Amy)
            See you back here at 6…

Amy nods and leaves.

                        Peter (into the phone)
Sorry.  So here is what I can do for you as a very special favor…
                       
Lights out.
Lights on.

Amy and Peter are sitting at the table. They have menus in front of them; they are studying them. The waiter/waitress comes with the menus.

                        Waiter
            Our special today is halibut drenched in papaya juice…

                        Peter (to Amy)
            Do you like seafood?

Amy shrugs.

                        Peter (to the Waiter)
Bring us two of them specials and a couple of glasses of the wine that goes best with it.

Waiter nods, takes the menus and leaves.

                        Peter (to Amy)
            So Amy, did you ever go to college?

Amy nods.

                        Peter
Really! I mean, that’s cool. I didn’t say “really” to be condescending, that would be politically incorrect. I mean, I’m not trying to apologize because I thought I was being politically incorrect, I mean, you wouldn’t  turn me in to the ‘quick to judge police’, would you?

Amy shakes her head.

                        Peter
Of course not. You’re a good girl. Everyone should get a good education, even if all he’ll end up doing is cleaning toilets.  This reminds me of a story: Two guys are cleaning toilets in the White House. One is happy, and another one, the one who is miserable, says, “How come you’re so damn cheerful!” So the happy guy says, “I’m not just cleaning a toilet; I am a cleaning a throne of the best assholes in the nation!”  Ha, ha… I  wasn’t so lucky… I mean - I didn’t get to go to college.  I started my business at the age of 13, selling bus tickets my mom got for free at DSHS. I had the right vision already: I was helping the bus riders to get cheaper to their destinations and my mom to get in shape… I worked my ass off to get to where I am today!  Know what I mean?

Amy nods.

                        Peter
            But enough about me. Let’s talk about you.

Amy smiles.

                        Peter (doesn’t give her a chance to say anything)
You have a beautiful smile! Smile is very important! When I was running a telemarketing room I made it a rule that everyone smiles all the time.  Forget to smile – you’re out. I didn’t care if my employees said total bullshit, as long as they said it smiling. Customers can feel it even over the phone, you know. Don’t ask me how; I aint no psychiatrist…

Amy smiles and shakes her head.

                        Peter
Needless to say, my office was number one in sales, until those big guys with degrees stole my idea. But that was a good thing too!  That’s when I started this popular saying, “When a door hits you in the ass, another one opens!”

Waiter came back with two glasses of wine. He put the glasses down.

                        Peter (to a Waiter)
            Smile, brother! Life is good!

Waiter smiles bitterly and leaves.

                        Peter
That asshole has a lot to learn! Being a snob ain’t going to get him a tip! He wouldn’t last a day working for me….
              (to Amy)
            Sorry, I’m digressing; we were talking about you! 

Amy smiles and nods.

                        Peter (doesn’t give her a chance to talk)
You know what: you’re a very intelligent and perceptive woman! I’ve never had such a great conversation before! Thank you Amy!  Lets drink to you as the best conversationalist I ever met!

She nods and smiles. They drink.

Lights out
Lights on

Peter is working on his laptop. Amy comes in the room with a duster.

                        Peter
            Amy, I have something to say to you.

She listens.

                        Peter
I know this is going to be a surprise; it is a surprise to me too… Who’d have thought… Oh, hell, here goes….

He stands up and fishes something out of his pocket.

                        Peter
            Will you be my wife?

Amy smiles and nods. Peter puts a ring on her finger.

Lights out.
Lights on

A wedding ceremony.

                        Priest:
Do you, Robert Sulliman, take Amelia Slim to be your wedded wife in sickness and in health…

                        Peter
            I do!

                        Priest
            Do you, Amelia Slim, take Robert Huge to be…

Amy smiles, nods, opens her mouth.

                        Peter (doesn’t let her say anything)
            She does!

Peter puts the ring on her finger.

Lights out
Lights on

Peter sits typing on his laptop. Amy walks up to him, puts her arms around his neck.

                        Amy
            How are you today, sweety?

Peter stares at her unbelieving.

                        Peter
What is wrong with you! Can’t you see I’m working! Can’t I ever have peace in this house! I can’t be always paying attention to you and your whims! That’s it; I want a divorce!


Lights out
Lights on

Amy is on the phone.

                        Amy
            I just got a huge divorce settlement, about a million….

                        Voice Over
            I’m sorry Amy!

                        Amy
Don’t be. What I’m calling about; I just donated a half – a – million to our Artificial Intelligence project. I can come back now!

                        Voice Over
            What a stroke of luck!

                        Amy  (laughing)
            No luck at all. Just a lot of experience with robots…

Lights out
The End
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