LIST OF CHARACTER:
Chairwoman - a middle3-aged female
Pam – a female in her 20’s
Sam – a female 20’s to 30’s
Kelly – a nice looking male
The chairs are set in a semi-circle. Everyone is sitting down. The women are wearing jeans, the man is wearing a dress or a skirt.
Chairwoman
Welcome to Sex Addicts Anonymous. Would someone read the Seven Steps?
Pam (a woman)
Hello, I am Pam.
Everyone
Hello Pam.
Pam
1. We admitted we were powerless over our craving for the opposite sex.
2.Came to believe that the Power of Collective Conscious could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to joyfully abide by the Population Planning Committee’s decisions.
4.Admitted to our group every sordid detail of our sexual escapades and perverted fantasies.
5.Became ready and willing to have the Power of the Collective Conscious remove our unhealthy cravings.
6.Whenever we felt attraction to a member of the opposite sex we ran like hell and called our sponsor or came to a meeting.
7.Tried to carry this message to anyone we suspected of being attracted to the opposite sex.
Chairwoman
Thank you Pam. Who has the Seven Traditions?
Sam
Hello I am Sam.
Everyone
Hello Sam.
Sam
1. As the world’s population exploded out of control due to the perverted lifestyles of our ancestors, causing famine and devastation to our planet, in our new perfect world there are still remnants of the spiritual disease in some citizens.
2. Since our ancestors used sex between men and women for the purpose of reproduction for thousands of years, it is understandable that the remnants of that attraction still torture a few unfortunate individuals.
3. We know now that sexual reproduction belongs in the stone ages, it is only fit for animals. It is proven by anthropologists that men who prefer to have sex with women are also much more prone to violent and destructive behaviors. Those men might have to take estrogen supplements.
4. In case of women, their disease mainly manifests in wanting to have babies. Our group must patiently help them accept that only the best specimens, with highest IQ’s and perfect bodies will be chosen for breeding. Anyone with possible genetic defects or damaged chromosomes is automatically eliminated from selection process. The women rejected for breeding mustn’t feel that the decision bears any reflection on their beauty or intelligence.
5. We maintain strict anonymity outside the meetings so as not to embarrass our members.
6. Each group has but one important purpose—to carry its message to the perverts at large who still suffer.
7. If asked, we bravely assist in getting rid of an accidental pregnancy. Everyone must have a pregnancy self-elimination kit with illustrated instructions in your vehicle.
Chairwoman
Thank you. Who’ll read the Promises?
Kelly (the man)
Hello. My name is Kelly.
Everyone
Hello Kelly.
Kelly
1.We will become convinced that the members of the opposite sex are like a different species, and we will feel proper disgust at the mere thought of intimacy with them.
2. We will understand that copulating with the opposite sex is worse than bestiality. At least, if you do it with a dog, nobody gets pregnant. Ha, ha.
3.We will know peace and happiness in homosexual relationships.
4.That annoying desire to breed will disappear.
5. Fantasizing will slip away.
6. Fear of Sex Police will leave us.
7. We will intuitively know how to handle hotties of opposite sex trying to seduce us.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.
Chairman
Thank you. Does anyone have a burning desire to share?
Pam
Hello, I’m Pam.
Everybody
Hello Pam.
Pam
I work out real hard, I have all A’s, and I never get a single pimple. My mom is healthy, and my grandma died in an exploded car, so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be chosen to breed! And if I don’t get an okay from the Planning Committee soon, I’ll be too old!
Chairwoman
Well, what do we tell her?
Sam
What if your grandmother was actually sick and decided to blow herself up to hide the fact?
Chairwoman (to Pam)
Hey, things like that do happen. If there was any suspicion of it being true, you’d not be chosen for breeding, no matter how perfect you were. Remember the Tradition Four! You may never know the real reason, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
(to other members)
What else do we tell her?
Sam
Keep working the steps, and the unhealthy desire to have a baby will leave you! Nine months of misery and ugliness and puking, and then agonizing pain of birth! And then years of being someone’s free caretaker! Why would you wish that misery upon yourself!
Kelly
So-o-o true… Those chosen by the Planning Committee are the unlucky ones! You should feel sorry for them, not envy them! If I were a woman, I’d make sure to do everything not to be chosen! I’d eat like a pig, fail all my classes…
Pam
You’re right, you’re right… Thank you guys, I feel better.
Chairwoman (to Pam)
So stop making yourself miserable. You don’t really want to be chosen, keep reminding yourself that. You should put yourself on the list to be called in case of an emergency pregnancy, it would benefit you to see how disgusting and painful it is to get rid of it.
Pam
Thank you, I will!
Chairwoman
Who is next?
Sam
I am…
Chairwoman
And you are?
Sam
You know, well, okay, hello, I’m Sam.
Everyone
Hello Sam.
Sam
Hello… Yeah, I just wanted to say that I’m pretty happy, except I have a concern… My partner carved like a dick out of a piece of wood, and is asking me to use it on her. I keep saying, no, but she says, why not? We love each other, so anything we do should be okay, and all that. So what should I do? Is it okay or not to use a toy dick?
Pam
Ouch! Doesn’t it hurt!
Chairwoman
Hmmm… That’s a difficult situation right there. It could be nothing, or it could be SOMETHING. What does everybody think?
Kelly
Well, I think it should be okay. We use toy dicks sometimes…
Sam
Why would you need to use toy dicks! You have like your own!
Kelly (a bit embarrassed)
Well, you see, the hormone therapy side effects, they make a dick a bit soft…
Pam
I don’t think it’s okay for girls to use toy dicks. That could cause hemorrhoids!
Kelly
I was under the impression you girls had another hole...
Pam
That hole is closed in all the decent girls!
Kelly
Sorry, I thought you played with it, too…
Pam
Sam, no, it’s a horrible idea! What if it would make her curious about using that other hole, and then about what it would feel like with a man!
Sam
Never! Diane can’t stand the sight of men!
Chairwoman
I think Sam has a point. I wouldn’t experiment with things like that. Nature gave us girls a special sweet spot to use for love... I can see an ex-breeder longing for something penetrating her to remind her of giving birth, but in that case I’d suggest using a little rubber doll, never a toy dick!
Sam
Thank you so much everyone! Now I know what to tell Diane.
Chairwoman (to Kelly)
Looks like it’s your turn to share.
Kelly
My name is Kelly.
Everybody
Hello Kelly.
Kelly (embarrassed)
I had one of those dreams again last night. Honestly, I never have such fantasies during the day, and I have a boyfriend, whom I love dearly. Those dreams really upset me! I’m afraid to go to sleep!
Sam
Have you tried the No-Dream pills?
Kelly
I did, but they make me feel like crap the next day, all tired and worn out, like I haven’t slept at all.
Pam
Hypnosis, try hypnosis! Get your boyfriend to hypnotize you before falling asleep. Have him say a bunch of times: “as you fall asleep you will dream of dicks and nothing but dicks.”
Kelly
Great idea! I’ll ask him tonight.
Chairwoman
You have to reveal every sordid detail of your dream.
Kelly
Right, right… I was on the beach and a naked woman came over and offered to put oil on me so I don’t get burned. So I said, “okay”. She started smearing it on my arms, my chest, then my stomach, then under my shorts. I said politely but firmly, “Mam, I don’t think I can get sunburned down there, it’s covered”, and she replied, “the sun rays are so-o-o very hot today, better safe than sorry,” and she continued rubbing. So I said even more firmly, “Mam, excuse me, I really don’t think it’s necessary!” And she said, “Oh, it is, it is!” And the worst thing is, my dick got real hard and then… I woke up and everything was sticky. I told my boyfriend that I dreamt of him, of course. This is so embarrassing!
Chairwoman
Hmmm. That’s terrible. Did that woman, by any chance, look like anyone you know?
Kelly
Actually, she did…
Chairwoman
Who?
Kelly
She looked a bit like… you.
Shocked ah’s from everyone.
Chairwoman
Well, that’s good, that’s very good! Obviously your subconscious mind confused your sexual arousal for your boyfriend with your respect and admiration for me and made sort of a little mess of it…
Kelly
A big mess…
Chairwoman
Now we know how to cure you. We have to make you see me more realistically, not like someone you might worship. I am just an ordinary person, I have lots of imperfections, tons…
Everyone
NOOOO!
Chairwoman
Oh, yes, I am not perfect, believe it or not. For instance, I am a bit out of shape…
Everyone
Noooo!
Chairwoman
I have a better idea. We use the… What do you call when you’re training a puppy not to pee on the floor? Aversion therapy.
Kelly
Great! What do I do?
Chairwoman
We go to my house, to the basement. You take everything off, except your underwear, just like in your dream. I get undressed and start rubbing tanning oil on you. Every time you start enjoying yourself too much, I’ll hit you with the whip, and we’ll keep doing it until you hate the site of a naked woman. How does that sound?
Kelly
Wow, what an ingenious idea! It’s definitely worth a try. Only…
Chairwoman
Only what?
Kelly
How would I explain the whip marks to my boyfriend?
Chairwoman
True. Okay, no whips. I’ll use nipple clamps.
Kelly
That will work.
Chairwoman
Any burning desires to talk? No. Good. Let’s hold hands and say a Serenity Prayer.
Everyone holds hands.
Together
Dear Collective Conscious, grant me the serenity to accept whatever sex I was born, courage to have a baby, if my duty calls, and the wisdom to love only members of my own sex.
Chairwoman and Kelly leave in a hurry.
Lights out.
The end.
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