A middle aged woman down on her financial luck is forced to get a roommate.
Read the play click the "read more" link
The Characters:
Ben – a guy, a jock and a jerk, 25 – 35 y.o.
Martha Steward – a helpless woman in her 40’s – 60’s
2 police officers - any age or gender
Shawn – a man any age
GF (Ben’s girlfriend) – a young woman 21 to 29
____________________________________________
Read the play click the "read more" link
The Characters:
Ben – a guy, a jock and a jerk, 25 – 35 y.o.
Martha Steward – a helpless woman in her 40’s – 60’s
2 police officers - any age or gender
Shawn – a man any age
GF (Ben’s girlfriend) – a young woman 21 to 29
____________________________________________
Martha shows Ben the room for rent. She opens the closet, explains;
Martha
I have some stuff in the closet. Is a half of it big enough for your things?
Ben
Sure, I only have a few shirts.
Martha
Good. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to find home for those boxes. There isn’t enough storage in this place.
Ben
The room is fine. How much is it again?
Martha
400.
Ben
It’s good it has the bed and the desk… I’m going to look at couple of more places and let you know tomorrow.
Lights out/Lights on
Doorbell rings. Martha opens the door and lets in Ben, carrying a huge duffel bag and a huge plastic jar saying “Muscle Builder” on it and a pic of a huge bicep.
Ben
Hey, can I hang up my shirts first before I pay you? I don’t want them to get wrinkled any more than they already have…
Martha
Sure, go ahead.
Ben leaves the room and comes back without his bag.
Ben
I didn’t realize that I wasn’t getting an all-private room...
Martha
What do you mean?
Ben
You have your stuff in the closet, so you’ll go in my room whenever you feel like.
Martha
I wouldn’t do that…
Ben
So, seeing that it isn’t really a private room, 400 is too much for it. I’ll give your 300.
Martha
No, no, no! That’s not going to work. Please leave.
Ben
Hey, calm down, let’s be reasonable! You have your stuff in that closet!
Martha
You saw the closet, and I asked you if there was enough room for your clothes, and you said yes.
Ben
That’s not the point. You have stuff in the closet, which means you could go in my room at any time if you need something.
Martha
I don’t need any of it in the near future. And you saw the closet when I showed you the room. Why didn’t you say something then?
Ben
I just realized it now…
Martha
Well, fine. You don’t want the room then…
Ben
I will take it, but not at 400 a month. I’ll give you 300 for it.
Martha
I am not interested. Please get your things and leave.
Ben
Let’s talk like adults…
Martha
I am an adult and I’m asking you to leave.
Ben takes money out of his wallet, flips through it, plops it on the table.
Ben
Here’s 300 cash. Don’t worry – you won’t know I’m here, and I won’t be home on weekends. You’d be making 300 doing absolutely nothing.
Martha
I don’t want your money. I don’t think we can get along…
Ben
What do you mean! I’m a real nice guy!
Martha
I don’t like the way you approached this whole thing. I’m saying it honestly like it is – I will always resent you... Please leave.
Ben
You are not being reasonable. I won’t hardly ever be here, and 300 is a great price for that room, since it has bunch of your stuff in it.
Martha
I don’t care about the money at this point. It’s the matter of principal! You saw the room and the closet, and you agreed to 400. So either you pay as agreed or you leave.
Ben
You’re not listening to me! I’m giving you $300 cash right now and I won’t even be here half the time!
Martha
I don’t want you here one day! We are not compatible roommates. This is a very small place…
Ben
How much is your monthly payment?
Martha
600… Eh… I mean none of your business.
Ben
You expect me to pay more than half of your rent! And for a shared room!
Martha
Stop saying that! A few boxes in the closet don’t make it a shared room. And it is a bigger room – it’s a master bedroom!
Ben
But would I have half of the rights to the rest of the place? No! Look – the living room is full of your furniture, my bedroom is full of your furniture! Where would I put my stuff?
Martha
You wanted a furnished place, you said so!
Ben
Still, I might not like to sit on your used chairs and might want to buy some clean new stuff, but there’s no room here for anything.
Martha
You twist everything around! For the last time – leave!
Ben
Let’s discuss this calmly…
She grabs the cell phone and dials 911.
Martha
Please send an officer. I have a trespasser in my house. I don’t know what to do.
(pause)
Well, he was considering renting a room here…
(pause)
Ben Hosen… (pause) jeans, white t-shirt…(pause) I don’t know (pause) About 30. (pause) No… (pause) 150 69th street (pause) Thank you.
Martha hangs up.
Ben
What did you do that for! Is 300 not enough? Is that it? Okay, 330.
Martha (automatically)
350.
Ben
Oh! See how simple this was. Okay, 350 it is. We’ll get along great, you’ll see.
Martha
No, I don’t want to rent to you!
Ben
You just said 350, and here it is. It’s a deal.
Ben puts 3 more bills on the table.
Ben
Now be nice, call the cops and cancel.
Martha
I said 350 hypothetically. I still don’t want to rent to you.
Ben
I don’t see a bunch of people beating the door down.
Martha
There are a couple of people interested.
Ben
Then why am I here and not them? Admit it, you like me better.
Martha
Not anymore.
Ben
Listen, here’s 350, like you wanted…
Martha
I didn’t want 350, I wanted 400…
Ben
Here is 350 we agreed upon just now. And I will be the best tenant you ever had. Let’s try it for a month, see how it goes? I’ll move out at the end of the month if we still don’t get along. Okay?
Martha
Do you promise to leave by the 1st then?
Ben
Sure, trust me.
Doorbell or loud knocking. Martha opens and lets in two police officers.
Officer 1 to Officer 2
Take him in the other room.
To Martha
So what’s going on?
Martha
Ben was thinking of renting a room here, but we haven’t reached an agreement, and he won’t leave!
Officer 1
I’m sorry to say, but you let him in. I can’t make him leave.
Martha
What do you mean! I live here! He is trespassing! Make him go! Every store has a sign, “we can refuse service to anyone” and they can kick that person out! How is it I have less rights than a store –keeper!
Officer 1
We can’t do anything. You let him in. If he says he lives here, we have to respect that.
Martha
You must be joking! Some bum can come in asking to use the phone and just say he lives here and you won’t kick him out!
Officer 1
That’s right. It’s his word against yours. He could have actually been living here and you could be saying he just came in to use the phone. So we can’t just go by your word.
Martha
This is insane.
Officer 1
Sorry about that. You have to go through a proper eviction procedure now.
Martha
Oh?
Officer 1
You serve him a notice to vacate. Then if he doesn’t, you start the eviction process. Of course, he doesn’t have to leave even then. You might have to go to court and prove that your request for his leaving is justifiable.
Martha
What if I just don’t like him and don’t want him here?
Officer1
That’s not a good reason.
Officer2 comes back from the bedroom.
Officer 2
Your roommate says you came to an agreement and he paid you. So what is the problem?
Martha
The problem is I changed my mind because I don’t like him. And we didn’t agree, he is lying!
Officer 2 (goes back to talk to Ben, nods, comes back)
He says you agreed to let him stay for a month on the trial bases and took his money. He says he’ll move out on the 1st if you still want him to.
Martha
I didn’t touch his money! There it is on the table, where he put it, I never touched it! Check it for my fingerprints! He is lying!
Officer 1
We’re not going to do that maam. We only take fingerprints if a crime had been committed. Try to get along for a month. We are leaving now.
Officers 1 and 2
Good night.
The officers leave. Martha picks up the money from the table unwillingly, very slowly, with disgust on her face.
Lights out/Lights on
Martha walks up to a table and recoils as if from a snake – there is money on the table and a note. She leaves it laying there, sits down, starts reading a book. Enters Ben.
Ben
Hey, your rent money’s on the table.
Martha
What is it doing there? You promised to move out on the first.
Ben
That was in case we didn’t get along, but we got along great.
Martha
No we didn’t! I was simply avoiding you.
Ben
As I said we got along great. We’d get along even better if you weren’t leaving stupid notes everywhere.
Martha
You leave spills and crumbs on kitchen counter and the stove! You can’t expect me to clean up after you!
Ben
Then say it to my face, don’t leave me fucking notes!
Martha
I’m leaving you notes because I don’t want to talk to you.
Ben
Why not? I am a good guy. Why don’t you just be nice.
Martha
I don’t want to be nice. I don’t like you and I want you to move out.
Ben
Well, I can’t do that, I got nowhere to go.
Martha (gets panicky)
But you promised! Pack your stuff and leave!
Ben
I can’t go. So take the money.
Martha
I don’t want your money! I want you gone! I’ve been wanting you gone since day one! Why can’t you get it through your head! You’re not wanted here!
Ben
Why can’t you just be nice! I’m nice to you.
Martha
I NEED MY SPACE!
Ben
What’re you doing then – advertising for a roommate, when you can’t stand anyone around?
Martha
Not anyone, just you.
Ben
What did I ever do to you! I’m a nice guy!
Martha
You forced yourself in here against my will! You argued about the price after your agreed to it! You twist everything to your advantage! You lied to me!
Ben
When did I lie to you?
Martha
When you promised to move out on the first.
Ben
If we didn’t get along, but we did.
Martha
We didn’t, we can’t! You’re a pig.
Ben
I’m not!
Martha
You are! You never clean up after yourself! You completely ruined my cookie sheet!
Ben
What cookie sheet?
Martha
This one. Look, look! Black crud, soot, grease! It’s ruined! I’m not cleaning it!
Ben
What’re you talking about! It’s just a little dirty.
Martha
Why didn’t you clean it after you used it!
Ben
I didn’t notice anything wrong with it.
Martha
How could you not notice! You got to be blind!
Ben
How about I’ll try harder in the future.
Martha
No! No trying, no future! Leave!
Ben
I can’t do that.
Martha
Well, the only way you can stay is if you don’t cook.
Ben
I can’t do that either. I must have my baked chicken.
Martha
You can buy it baked at QFC. You don’t have to cook. Hey, where are you going!
Ben
The kitchen. I got to cook my chicken.
Martha (literally squeals)
NO! Get out of there! No! Over my dead body!
Ben
I have to cook. I bought the chicken.
She grabs the cell phone and dials 911.
Martha
Please send an officer. I have a man here forcing his way into my kitchen! I don’t know what to do.
(pause)
Well, eh… my roommate.
(pause)
Ben Hosen… (pause) jeans, white t-shirt…(pause) About 25-30. (pause) No… (pause) 150 69th street (pause) Thank you.
Martha hangs up.
Ben
This is stupid! Call them back and cancel it. They don’t care about your dirty pan!
Martha
I’m showing it to them anyway.
Ben
Let me clean it.
Martha
Don’t touch it! It’s evidence!
Ben
What are you? Bi-polar? Compulsive obsessive? What is your diagnosis! Come on, what is it? You’re obviously a nut case.
Martha
How dare you!
Ben
Oh and what do you do for money? I never see you working. Can’t be whoring, considering… Are you retired, what are you, 75?
Martha
Asshole! Jerk! Pig! Asshole! Fat pig!
Ben
I’m not fat! It’s all muscle. I am very fit!
Martha
You’re not a gentleman!
Ben
Why can’t you just be nice?
Martha
Never!
Ben
Why don’t you just take the money and play nice.
Martha
I don’t want your money, pig!
Ben
You better take it, otherwise I’ll stay here anyway and not pay you!
Martha
You’d stoop that low!
Ben
I ain’t doing nothing to you. I just want you to be nice.
Doorbell or knocking. Martha lets in Officers 1 and 2. Officer 2 strolls to Ben and takes him into his room.
Martha to Officer1
You were here, you were witnesses – he promised to move out by the 1st. Remember?
Officer 1
I remember. Except he can change his mind.
Martha
What!
Officer1
Maam, Is he offering to pay you for next month?
Martha
Yea, but I don’t want his money…
Officer 1
Take it. At least he’s willing to pay you. Could be worse – he could stay here and not pay.
Officer 2 comes back, swaying his ample hips hung with police paraphernalia.
Martha
Wait I want to show you something. Evidence.
(she brings the cooking sheet from the kitchen )
Look at this! He ruined it! I don’t want him using my kitchen! Tell him he can’t use my kitchen, please.
The officers stare at the pan, bored.
Officer 1
Maam, the kitchen is a community area. We can’t tell him to stop cooking. It’s his right.
Martha
Even if he is messy!
Officer1
He can be as messy as he likes.
Martha
What! I’ve had enough! What about my rights!
Officer 1
Maam, you have the right to file for eviction. Good night. And, by the way, we don’t take kindly to people calling us constantly without a good reason. Next time you call us, someone’s going to jail.
Martha
What! Are your threatening me!
Officer 1
I’m just telling you what’s good for you. Get that eviction started and don’t call us for no reason. You’re obstructing justice.
Martha
What justice! You call that justice! I’m an innocent victim and you’re threatening me with jail!
Officer 1
I didn’t say “you” I said “someone”. Good night.
The officers leave.
Ben
I told you - shouldn’t have called them.
Martha
How long exactly do you plan on staying here?
Ben
Not long. Another month.
Martha
Can you move out on the first?
Ben
Sure.
Martha
Can you put that in writing?
Ben
I already did – it’s in that note next to the money.
Martha
Okay, one more month, but you can’t use my cooking sheet unless you clean it perfectly every time.
Ben
Fine, whatever.
Lights off/Lights on
Martha is on the phone:
Martha
My roommate is supposed to move out tomorrow. Could you please come over and be a witness and lend me moral support?
(pause)
Thank you so much! See you tomorrow then. Oh, and can you bring your laptop and some movies?
Lights off/Lights on
Knocking on door, Martha lets in Shawn, her friend.
Martha
Thank you so much for coming. Would you like coffee or tea?
Shawn
Nothing, thanks. I just had an energy drink. So what do you want me to do?
Martha
Just be here to support me.
Shawn
And what are you going to do?
Martha
I’m putting this board here to the door to keep it from opening and ask him to slide the key under the door...
Shawn
Hmmm.
Martha
I just don’t trust him to just leave. He lied before.
Shawn
Hmm.
Martha leans the board against the door. They sit down, Shawn opens his laptop and they start watching a movie. They hear a key in the lock. Martha jumps up and goes to the door. She is holding the board in place.
Ben
Open the damn door!
Martha
Just slide the key under the door and I’ll open it. I just want my key back without any tricks.
Ben
Open the fucking door or I break it down.
Martha
Works for me. You go to jail then.
Ben
I’m going to call the cops! You have no right to lock me out! You’ll go to jail!
Martha
I’m not locking you out. I want my key and then you can come in. It is your last day, and you lied to me before, so I want my key first before you can come in.
Ben
It’s illegal to lock me out. Open the door or I call the cops.
Martha sighs and takes away the board. Ben goes to his room, Martha sits down next to Shawn, puts her feet on a foot stool, crosses her arms angrily. Ben comes back and walks through the room. He comes to Martha’s legs across the way.
Ben
I need to go to the kitchen.
Martha
Say “Please” and “Excuse me”.
Ben
Fuck you.
He shoves her legs out of the way and walks through.
Martha
How dare you!
Shawn
Physical force, he used physical force. That’s an assault! Call the cops.
Ben
And who the fuck are you!
Shawn
Martha’s friend.
Ben
What are you, on Public Assistance too?
Shawn
None of your business, asshole.
Martha calls the police. Ben and Shawn calling each other names in background.
Martha
Please send an officer over. My roommate assaulted me, and now he is fighting with my friend…
(pause)
Ben Hosen, about 30, white t-shirt, jeans.
(pause)
150 69th Street.
Ben (to Shawn)
What do you do? Do you do anything?
Shawn
None of your business!
Ben
So you do nothing! You’re a stinky greasy bum!
Shawn
I do a lot, actually! I work at self-improvement, and I try living fully one moment at a time…
Ben
In short, you’re on assistance, right?
Shawn
None of your business!
Ben
Uh hugh.
Shawn
If you must know, I’m disabled!
Ben
Great, another nut case!
Shawn
I never said it was for mental reasons!
Ben
What then?
Shawn
None of your fucking business!
Ben
Uh hugh. Mental all right.
Knocking on the door. Martha lets in two policemen.
Martha
Thank you for coming. My roommate has been absolutely awful!
Officer 2 goes into the living room to talk to Ben, Officer 1 stays with Martha.
Ben
She locked me out of the apartment!
Martha (to Officer 1)
Liar! He’s inside isn’t he!
Officer 1
Silence!
Shawn
He assaulted her! He shoved her leg!
Officer 2
And who are you?
Ben
He’s nothing, nobody! He’s on public assistance…
Officer 2 (to Shawn)
Your ID please.
Martha
He’s my guest! Why does he have to show his ID!
Officer 2
He says he’s a witness to a crime.
(pause, looks at Shawn’s ID)
Okay, so what do you say happened?
Shawn
Martha was sitting here with her legs up, and he was going to the kitchen, and he pushed her legs off the footstool and walked through! Arrest him!
Officer 2 (to Ben)
Did you do that?
Ben
I simply moved her legs a little, she was blocking the way to the kitchen.
Martha
Why didn’t you ask me politely to move them aside!
Officer 1 (to Martha)
Silence! Wait your turn!
Shawn
Arrest him! I saw it! Physical contact – definitely illegal!
Officer 1
There is an amendment to that law. If someone is blocking someone’s way, it’s okay to move them aside.
Shawn
You must be kidding! There’s no such amendment! No way!
Officer 1
Yes there is.
Martha
When is my turn to talk!
Officer 1
Fine, what do you have to say?
Martha
Ben is supposed to move out today. I have that in writing! Just make him give me the key back and leave!
Officer 1
We can’t make him do anything. Doesn’t matter if you have it in writing. I told you before – you have to go through formal eviction process.
Martha
But he kicked my leg! Arrest him then. I have a witness.
Officer 1
He just moved your leg aside, no harm done.
Martha
You weren’t here! You don’t know how rude he was!
Officer 1
Silence! You have to stop trying to get rid of your roommate in illegal ways. If you block the door again, you go to jail. Next time I get a call from here, and I got an ESPN that I will, one of you is going to jail.
Officers leave.
Shawn
That’s bullshit! They’re full of shit! An amendment that allows to push one out of the way! “I’ve got ESPN!” What an asshole!
Martha (to Ben)
Can I have my key back?
Ben
You’ll have it back when I move out.
Martha
Which is today.
Ben
Nope. I have to stay a while longer.
Martha
But you promised! You put it in writing!
Ben
So! Do what the officer said – evict me. I’m sick of your bullshit! What did I ever do to you! You’ve been horrible to me all the time!
Martha
I have a right not to live with a person I don’t like.
Ben
The law says you don’t.
Martha
Well, I should have one!
Shawn (repeating in the background over and over)
This is bullshit, this is all bullshit…
Ben
In fact, just so you know, my girlfriend is coming to stay with me for a while this weekend.
Martha
No!
Ben
Oh yeah. So build a bridge and get over it.
He grins and goes to his room. Martha and Shawn sit staring into space helplessly.
Lights out / Lights on
Martha at her doctors office.
Martha
So, you understand, I am upset all the time, I can’t sleep…
Doctor
Why don’t I prescribe you something to help you relax, and some sleeping pills.
Martha
Thank you doctor.
Lights out / Lights on
Martha and Shawn at home:
She dumps some pills from the bottle, mashes them, then opens a bottle of beer, pours in the powder, hammers the top smooth and tight, closes the bottle. Shawn and Martha sit down to watch a movie on Shawn’s laptop.
Enters Ben.
Martha (lifting a beer in her hand)
Peace, man. We left you a beer, it’s in the fridge.
Ben
Hell, yeah. Never pass up a free beer.
He opens the bottle drinks
Ben
So what religion are you guys? Do you believe god is this dude?
Martha and Shawn
No.
Ben
I don’t either. But do you think there is a god? I think…
Ben’s head drops and he snores.
Shawn and Martha grab him and drag him to the bedroom.
Ben’s bedroom.
Shawn and Martha tie Ben to the bed frame.
Shawn
I wasn’t here I never saw anything. But call me when he wakes up, so I can kick him in the balls. I want the jerk to feel it!
Martha
Sure thing. Will do.
She brings in a couple of garbage bags and dumps beer cans and bottles next to the bed. Then she brings another bag and strews underwear and t-shirts around.
They gag him, just in case, and leave the room.
Shawn
This is crazy!
Martha
Well, I’m not putting up with his girlfriend here! Are you coming shopping with me?
Shawn
What for?
Martha
Booze to feed him and diapers.
Shawn
Diapers?
Martha
The son of a bitch is not getting up not even to go to the toilet!
Martha and Shawn leave.
Lights out / Lights on
Martha is feeding Ben through a funnel something from a huge bucket. He has a visible belly on him now under his old dirty t-shirt. He is wearing a large adult diaper. She washes the food down with some scotch or whatever strong and cheap booze. When she takes out a funnel, he coughs and tries to yell
Ben
Untie me! Let me go! You’re so in trouble! My girlfriend is going to be here any minute!
Martha
Shut up!
She puts the funnel back and pours more booze down his throat and tosses in a sleeping pill. More booze. He falls asleep. She unties him from the bed, hides the rope. Knocking on the door, she leaves Ben’s room to go get the door, comes back with Ben’s girlfriend.
Gf
Ugh! This room is disgusting! Why is he wearing a diaper?
Martha
He wouldn’t do his laundry, and I’m not touching it. Good thing you’re here now to do it…
GF
Hell no!
(yells)
Ben, wake up! Ben! Ben! Ew, you got fat! Ben!
Martha (turns to leave)
I’ll leave you two love birds alone. He said you won’t need another bed.
GF
EWWW! I won’t sleep here!
Martha
Well, there is nowhere else. You’d have to go to a hotel.
GF
Is he like this all the time? I thought he was in college?
Martha
I guess he dropped out. It interfered with his drinking.
GF
How does he pay rent?
Martha
He doesn’t. I’m evicting him. There’s the eviction paper on the night stand. Except he never sobers up to read it.
GF
How can he afford booze!
Martha
I recon, with the rent money he never paid me...
GF (goes to the door)
Well it was nice meeting you.
Martha
You coming back?
GF
I don’t think so.
GF leaves, we hear the outside door being slammed. Martha ties Ben to the bed frame again and leaves the room.
Lights out /Lights on
Martha is feeding Ben through the funnel. Takes funnel out for a moment, Ben whines:
Ben
Let me go, please! I won’t tell anyone, promise.
Martha
You never kept a promise before, why should I believe you!
Ben
At least stop feeding me all that fattening stuff! I worked so hard to stay buff!
Martha
Might as well save me the work, now that you’ve seen your girlfriend…
Ben
She was here?
Martha
She was and she left. So that’s that, I guess. No more food necessary, just booze…
Ben
Are you trying to kill me! You are! Aren’t you!
Martha
I got two witnesses now – Shawn and your girlfriend, that you’re drunk unconscious all the time. Now one would be surprised when you finally kick the bucket.
Ben
Why wouldn’t you just evict me like everyone else!!!
Martha
You messed with the wrong gal! I’m going to do the world a favor - I’m going to evict you from LIFE!
Martha pours more booze down Ben’s throat with a very evil laugh.
Lights out
The End
No comments:
Post a Comment