A TREE OF KNOWLEDGE

 The characters:

Rich Investor

Inventor

Rat – a hand puppet (I can provide)

Rich Investor

Hello Inventor. What new amazing product are you pitching?

Inventor

A Tree of Knowledge.

Rich Investor (sarcastically)

Like the one in Eden?

Inventor

A similar concept, but -

Rich Investor (interrupts)

You can't patent it! It's biblical, public domain.

Inventor

You can patent anything with couple of little changes.

Investor

So what's different about your tree?

Inventor

In contrast to the original tree, which caused all sorts of grief, purportedly -

Investor (interrupts)

Per – what?

Inventor

Allegedly. It's not a sin to eat from my tree. Maybe just a little, because the fruit is sinfully delicious. Ha ha ha.

Rich Investor

Explain.

Inventor

My tree would grow specialized fruits of knowledge. If you wanted to learn say chemistry, you eat a chemistry apple, and the knowledge is directly uploaded to your brain. No more cramming for tests! No need to memorize dates, names -

Rich Investor (interrupts)

Hold on, hold on. Let me see if I understand. You say I can eat an apple and somehow it would enable me to solve the problems on a math test?

Inventor

That's right! You wouldn't have to study at all! Just eat that apple.

Rich Investor

But you have to think when you do math problems. It's not enough just to know the formulas!

Inventor

Right. The fruit will teach you all the rules and the formulas, with examples. You'd still have to think a little. Not much. But most subjects are mainly memorization, like history, languages -

Investor

How does the fruit work?

Inventor

I use tiny nanobots. It's like uploading a new app on your phone, only to your brain.

Investor

Nanobots? How do they get into the brain from eating them?

Inventor

I wrap them in gluten.

Investor

Gluten?

Investor

You know, the stuff in bread.

Investor

Then why not make cupcakes of knowledge?

Inventor

We would lose a huge market. All the health-conscious moms who don't want their kids eating sweets and bread. There are millions of them, whole cities of them in California.

Investor

Why gluten anyway?

Inventor

Gluten has an ability to punch tiny holes in your intestinal walls -

Investor (interrupts)

Ugh. You give me a stomach ache!

Inventor

This happens after the stomach, down below -

Investor

Well, it doesn't sound good -

Inventor

That's why the gluten-free food is all the rage. Whole isles of it in the grocery store.

Investor

When I eat bagels for lunch they make holes in my whatnots?

Inventor

Pretty much.

Investor (angrily)

You just ruined my life!

Inventor

But those holes close up quick. If you go gluten-free for a few months -

Investor (interrupts)

I can't go gluten-free for a day! I love my bagels and croissants!

Inventor

Of course. Bread is addicting, like cocaine -

Investor (interrupts)

I really don't want to know that!

Inventor

Sorry. So I was saying: I'm using such a tiny amount of gluten to wrap my nanobots; you can't even see it without a microscope - the holes they'd make would heal in less than a day.

Investor

But those California moms will probably have an issue with that.

Inventor

Lots of foods and supplements contain nanos these days, and no one knows they are there or that they could be bad for you. Even such common things like mayonnaise and Hershey's chocolate contain nanoparticles!

Investor

Doesn't FDA care?

Inventor

Not really.

Rich Investor

So how far did you get with this product?

Inventor

I have already tested a prototype! I'll show you...

(he produces a rat puppet )

Meet Bourbon. He can’t speak, of course, he doesn't have the right throat, so he nods for yes and shakes for no. Go ahead, ask him some elementary school level math questions. Yes or no only.

Investor

This is nuts! You want me to give a rat math problems!

Inventor (begging)

Please, humor me!

Rich Investor (grunts)

I feel like an idiot. ..

Hello Bourbon. Does one plus one equal five?

Bourbon shakes his head.

Rich Investor

Is two plus one three?

Bourbon nods.

Rich Investor

Huh. How about: twenty five plus seventeen equal ….

… ehhh... hold on, I got to use a calculator... forty two?

Bourbon nods enthusiastically, almost jumping up and down.

Rich Investor

Wow! He can add better than my kid! He is one smart rat!

Inventor

Try subtraction.

Rich Investor

Ok. Bourbon, does three minus two equal five?

Bourbon shakes for no.

Rich Investor

Is it one?

Bourbon nods.

Inventor

He knows a multiplication table too!

Rich Investor

Are there any side effects?

Inventor

Not at all. My method is safe and effective. Bourbon looks happy and healthy.

Rich Investor

So, how do you get different courses in those fruits?

Inventor

Glad you asked. Each tree would be fertilized with nanobots for different subjects and different levels. Like an apple for algebra 101. We wouldn't want to put too much knowledge in any one fruit. We'll break it down, make it age appropriate, so it's not too weird. Don't keep it all in one fruit basket, as they say, ha ha ha.

Rich Investor

How much do you think they will sell for?

Inventor

I think we can charge for each fruit about what an average college charges for a 3-credit course. We would also sell fruit baskets with all the required prerequisites. Each such basket would cost slightly less than two years of college.

Rich Investor (laughs)

Not bad, not bad at all. Do you suppose federal student aid would pay for these baskets?

Inventor (laughs)

Maybe at some time later, after enough bitching that the rich have yet another unfair advantage. When they realize that it's a better deal for everyone. Since kids don't have to waste time studying, they can go get jobs right away to pay off their student loans.

Rich Investor

How much do you need right now? Would four million do?

Inventor

Yes, that would be perfect. Thank you. You won't be disappointed.

Investor

Hey, can I have one of those elementary math apples that Bourbon had? For my kid.

Inventor

Of course!

The end