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Dave - 45-65 y.o. male

Doctor - male or female, doesn’t matter age or race

Nancy - Dave’s wife, approximately same age as Dave

Arielle - younger woman, pretty

Pastor - male, any age or race

AT THE DOCTOR’S

Doctor (showing a chart of human intestines)

We will have to remove a section of the colon and probably a part of the bladder, and will just clean everything else up, whatever we’ll find.

Dave

So how will I go to the bathroom?

Doctor

Your waste will be routed externally into colostomy bags, which you’ll wear under your clothes.

Dave

Will I be able to take them off to sleep?

Doctor

No, you’ll have to wear them 24-7. But it’s only temporary. As soon as the tests show no more cancer, we’ll fix your bladder and your colon; we’ll sew it together using the intestine material. You have 23 feet of it, quite enough. Hopefully we won’t have to cut off too much.

You’ll just have to eat a little less, and will remain slim and handsome as a result.

(addresses Dave’s wife, jokingly, to lighten the mood)

Your husband will have such a beautiful figure, you’ll have to watch out.

Nancy

I don’t have to worry about such things. We are Christians.

Dave

So how long you think I’ll have to wear the shit and piss bags?

Doctor

Probably about three months, but could be longer. Depends how well you respond to treatment.

Lights out

Lights on

AT HOME

Dave is reclining in an armchair or on a couch. Nancy walks around like a ghost, quiet, somber looking, dusts, cleans, etc. Dave looks at her and sighs. She brings him a cup.

Nancy

You need to drink something.

Dave

It will just make me puke.

Nancy

They are giving you a pill for that.

Dave

It doesn’t work.

Nancy

Please try anyway.

He takes a sip, screws up his face, and makes a pukey sound.

Dave

Happy?

She starts sniffling.

Dave (screams)

This is bullshit!

Nancy (jumps)

Please don’t scream. And don’t use such words.

Dave

Why the hell not!

Nancy

It’s wrong. And it’s not like you.

Dave

Whoever I was is no more.

Nancy

You’re not dead!

Dave

That guy you’ve been married to, he is.

Nancy

I don’t understand. What are you saying? If my husband is gone, then who are you?

Dave

I am not sure. But I hate God.

Nancy

Don’t say such a thing! I know you feel terrible. But look how Job suffered, and he got everything back and more.

Dave

What kind of a monster thinks it’s okay to kill your kids and wife, as long as he replaces them with new, better ones! Only an alien or a psychopath!

Nancy

Dear, you really don’t know what you are saying. It’s probably those pills you take for pain? Maybe they are muddling you up. I know it hurts, but if they make you sin… If your hand tempts you to sin - cut it off. I’m sure it hurt horrible when they did that, without any anesthesia -

Dave (sigs)

How the hell did we end up together!

Nancy

What do you mean?

Dave

Never mind… What is the point of all this - our short, pathetic existence?

Nancy

You know - to earn our places in Heaven with God.

Dave

I’m not sure I want to anymore! God is an asshole! A dead-beat father who lets another man raise his kid, and then stands back and allows his son to be tortured! Who murders thousands of innocent children!

Nancy (putting her hands over her ears)

I’m not listening to this! I’ll ask our Pastor to come over, to have a talk with you. But I can’t listen to this anymore.

Dave

And why would Jesus want to be in Heaven?

I wouldn’t want to hang out with a father who abandoned me and then used me for some political purpose! That would be my idea of hell!

Nancy

That’s because you don’t understand unconditional love.

Dave

I guess not. I think the whole concept is ridiculous. Everyone should bear consequences of his own actions.

Nancy

Well, there are times when you can’t help yourself, or you don’t know any better, or… I don’t know, some mitigating circumstances.

Dave

So, since Jesus went through all that trouble, I think I should just kill myself.

Nancy

Stop! Don’t even think such thoughts! You’ll get well again.

Dave

You know I won’t. There is no point to my living like a vegetable.

Nancy (sniffling into her handkerchief)

The modern medicine is so advanced now. You’re lucky this isn’t a hundred years ago!

Dave

You call it lucky to have my misery stretched out?

Nancy

You can still get well!

Dave

What are you talking about woman! Life is a downhill slide; no one gets out of it alive.

Nancy

It’s not all straight down; there are ups, too. And, you’ll have your perfect eternal body in Heaven, which never gets sick or dies.

Dave

And until then… Get your nose plugs and help me up. I need to empty my shit bag.

Lights out

Lights on

HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM AFTER CHEMO

Dave is sitting and waiting for his wife to come pick him up. Ariel is in the room with him. She watches as he closes his eyes, lifts his head, makes pukey sounds. She moves closer to him.

Ariel

Mister…

She touches him to get his attention. He opens his eyes looks at her irritated.

Dave

Yes?

She hands him a cookie.

Ariel

Please try a cookie. I baked them myself.

Dave

I don’t think I can hold anything down.

Ariel

Please. It will make you feel better.

He takes a bite, chews. Waits a moment, nothing happens. Takes another bite, and another.

Dave

Thank you.

Ariel

You’re welcome.

Dave (chewing)

This is the best cookie I’ve ever had.

Ariel

I get me some help from a good friend.

Dave

Give your friend my compliments.

Ariel (giggling)

Sure will. Mary Jane gets that a lot.

Dave doesn’t react, obviously, the name means nothing to him. He finishes the cookie.

Dave

What’s your name?

Ariel

Ariel.

Dave

I’m Dave.

Ariel

Nice to meet you, Dave.

Dave

So, Ariel, tell me, what is the point of life?

Ariel

To have fun.

Dave (as if she said something ridiculous)

Fun?

He lifts up his sweatshirt and shows her two bags hanging off his stomach.

Dave

A shit bag and a piss bag. Do you call this fun?

Ariel

Yes! You’re like a Christmas tree. Hey, I have some magic markers, lets decorate.

Dave laughs. Ariel digs out a magic marker or a sharpie from her purse and starts drawing on his bags.

Ariel

Oh, wow, the poop is coming in.

Dave (a little embarrassed)

It’s the cookie. It pushed it. Sorry you got to see that.

Ariel

No! Don’t apologize. Good news – your plumbing works.

(she keeps drawing on bags)

You see; the important thing is to live each moment as if it’s your last. Then it doesn’t matter how long you got left. It’s always the same – all you ever got is one moment, which is right now…

(she finished drawing, puts pen away)

See, now you have faces on these bags. They just met and talking to each other…

“Hello, I’m Poop. What’s your name?”

“I’m Pee. Nice to meet you…”

Dave (laughing)

You are funny. But this bag thing is embarrassing.

Dave pulls his shirt down.

Dave

I’m trying to decide whether I should kill myself or not. Could I get your objective opinion?

Ariel (taps her lips with the pen)

Hmmm… You know the saying, “eyes are the window of the soul…” To me it means that I’m looking out of this body through the eye-windows - that I’m not my body.

Dave

How does it relate to my question?

Nancy enters slowly. Dave and Ariel don’t notice her yet.

Ariel

You’d only be closing this one window. But you might be opening a can of worms.

Dave

This body is ready to be worm food.

Nancy

Ready to go?

Dave looks up, startled. He gets up.

Dave (to Ariel)

It was nice meeting you.

Ariel

Yep. Hope to see you here again.

Dave (walking out)

Oh you will. If I don’t kick the bucket.

Lights out

Lights on

AT HOME

Nancy

Why was that young woman in the waiting room sitting so close to you?

Dave

Are you jealous?

Nancy

Of course not.

Dave

You should be. She finds my colostomy bags irresistible.

Nancy

Don’t joke like that!

Dave

I’m not joking. I’m a handsome man.

Nancy (obviously humoring him)

Yes, you are.

Dave

You think no one could possibly like me now?

Nancy

No… I… no, I didn’t mean that.

Dave

Yes you did.

Nancy

Stop it! I didn’t. Okay, so I was a bit jealous.

Dave

Good. Thank you for admitting it. Let’s play some Gin Rummy.

Nancy

If you like.

She sits down, picks up a deck of cards from the little table, starts shuffling them, puts them down, starts sniffling into her handkerchief.

Nancy

I can’t… Playing games… It feels wrong.

Dave

I really need you to act normal with me. Please. I don’t want to dwell on my condition. I want to forget it, to keep my mind occupied. I want to have fun.

Nancy

You’re not a child. You should be praying and reading the Bible, not playing games. You need to be reviewing your life, repenting your sins.

Dave

Preparing to die?

Nancy

I’m not saying you will, but you might. It’s a big change to go through – dying, and you need to contemplate it very seriously! Make sure you didn’t forget to repent something.

Dave

You might even go before me. You could get run over by a bus crossing the street tomorrow.

Nancy

What are you saying?

Dave

That I don’t have to do any more praying and repenting than you or anyone else.

Nancy

Now you’re arguing just to argue!

Dave

Maybe I’m not ready. I’m thinking I haven’t had as much fun in life as I should have. So, I think I’m going to get well.

Nancy (not very happily)

Great. I’m happy to hear it. Better than all that talk about killing yourself.

Dave

The thing is… whatever happens, I want to have fun, to live like each moment is my last.

Nancy

That’s exactly why you’re supposed to be praying all the time! So when that moment comes your heart is with God.

Dave

I have a whole eternity to be with God. So while I’m here, I’m going to enjoy me some Earthly pleasures. Just in case they don’t have cable in heaven.

He picks up a tv remote and puts on a funny show. He starts laughing. Nancy begins sniffling into a handkerchief again. Dave turns to her.

Dave

You’re ruining it for me! Stop that sniffling!

Nancy (sniffles more)

I can’t.

Dave

Can you leave the room then?

Nancy

No!

Dave composes himself a moment.

Dave

Could you please make me some tea?

Nancy

Of course dear.

She gets up and leaves the room. He sighs in relief.

Lights out

Lights on

HOSPITAL CHEMO ROOM

Ariel

Nice to see you again!

Dave

Hi!

Dave grimaces, like he’s about to puke. Ariel digs into her bag and produces a cookie.

Ariel

Eat it, quick!

Dave bites into it, chews.

Dave

Thank you.

(takes a moment to devour the cookie)

I’m thinking about what you said, about you’re not your body. Did you mean the soul?

Ariel

Maybe… I watched a conference on Youtube, where a whole bunch of scientists agreed that it’s entirely possible that this world isn’t real, but could be like a virtual reality game, and we are just characters in it.

Dave

No shit?

Ariel

Do you realize what that means if it’s true! That there are no laws of nature! Anything is possible!

Dave

It would explain how Jesus died and came back.

Ariel

It would! And I’m sure that anyone can do that!

Dave

Then why aren’t they all doing it, left and right?

Ariel

Because people don’t know how - it must be tricky.

Dave

So what do you think happens when you die?

Ariel

Probably, some nerd, who was playing your character, takes off the headset and goes to get a burger.

Dave

So why shouldn’t I kill myself right now?

Ariel

I think you lose points if you do. You’d have to come back into the game as an animal… Hasn’t it happened to you that someone who loved you died, and shortly after, a pet appeared in your life?

Dave (sighed)

No. My wife doesn’t want animals in the house.

Ariel

When you were a kid?

Dave

No. My mom was like that too.

Ariel

Huh, so it’s true then that men marry their mothers…

Well, it happened to me a couple of times. My current cat is definitely my ex-boyfriend, who died of a heart attack.

Dave (laughing)

Lucky guy! Do you have room in your lap for another cat?

Ariel

You’d be your wife’s cat.

Dave

I guess I better not kill myself then. She’d let me starve. Speaking of the devil… Could I have a recipe for those cookies, so I could ask my wife to bake some.

Ariel (whispering)

It’s not legal in our state. There’s pot in them. Marijuana.

Dave (whispering back)

Oh. Can I buy some from you?

Ariel (whispering)

Only if you promise not to tell.

Dave (whispering)

I can only promise not to tell who I got them from. Is it okay? Because I have nowhere to hide them.

Ariel (whispering)

Crap, I shouldn’t... How many you want?

Lights out

Lights on

AT HOME

Dave

Can we get a dog?

Nancy

Animals don’t belong indoors. They are dirty.

Dave

They are therapeutic. I see patients with these special dogs in red coats all the time.

Nancy

If your doctor prescribes a cat, we’ll get one.

Dave

He can’t prescribe a cat. Cats are not service animals. It has to be a dog.

Nancy

Dogs need to be walked. I don’t have time for that.

Dave

I’ll walk it.

Nancy

You can’t! You’re not strong enough!

Dave

Yes I am.

Nancy

Well, if you are, then you can start going to church with me again.

Dave

Not that strong. Those benches are a murder on my butt.

Nancy

If you can walk a dog, you can manage an hour of an uncomfortable bench.

Grumpy silence for a moment.

Nancy

I want you to stop eating these pot cookies. They are illegal.

Dave

They really, really help me.

Nancy

But you’re breaking the law! I don’t want to be an accessory to crime!

Dave

They take away my nausea so I can eat! Don’t you love me enough to compromise a little?

Nancy

I have been compromising. I could have just called the cops!

Dave

Pot is not illegal everywhere. Let’s move to where it’s legal. Let’s sell this house and move to Seattle or San Francisco.

Nancy

Over my dead body! Those cities are the Sodom and Gomorrah! God is going to wipe them out any time now. Haven’t you heard? That whole sinful area is going to fall into the ocean.

Uncomfortable silence.

Door bell rings. Nancy goes to get it, lets in the Pastor.

Nancy (to Pastor)

Thank you so much for coming over.

She leaves the room.

Pastor

How are you doing Dave?

Dave

Much better, thank you.

Pastor

I’m happy to hear it. We pray for your recovery.

Dave

Thank you.

Pastor

Nancy wanted me to have a talk with you.

Dave

Yeah? What about?

Pastor

She is very concerned about your use of marijuana.

Dave

Really? Shouldn’t she be concerned about the fact that most of my insides were cut out?

Pastor

She is concerned about that too. But your immortal soul should take priority over your temporary discomforts. Using pot is a sin.

Dave

Show me where it says that in the Bible.

Pastor (opening the bible)

1 Timothy 4:5, “Always be sober-minded, endure suffering.”

Dave

Then why did Jesus turn water into wine?

Pastor

Good question… You see… There is wine, and there is wine. The word ‘wine’, at the time of Jesus, had quite a range of meanings. At one end of the spectrum, it was very weak, basically just grape juice, which is what Jesus turned the water into. Then, on the other end is the intoxicating alcoholic beverage we call wine today. Further on: the hard liquors. And, finally, the mind-altering poisons, like mushrooms and cocaine and weed, at the other end.

Dave

That’s quite a theory. Did you just make it up all by yourself?

I’ve learned a thing or two in all those years of going to church: Marijuana is an herb, and I recall it saying in the Bible, “He has given us herbs for the service of men.”

Pastor

It also says, more importantly, you must obey the law. Romans 13:1, “Let everyone be subject to governing authorities.”

Dave

Then we should still have slavery? Right?

Pastor

Well…

Dave

Excuse me.

Dave gets up, leaves the room. Pastor, left alone, automatically picks up a cookie from the plate and starts eating it.

Dave comes back with a full duffel bag. Nancy walks into the room with a tray of tea. She sets the tray down.

Nancy

What are you doing with that? What’s that for?

Dave pulls out his cell-phone, touches the screen.

Nancy

What are you doing? What’s going on?

Dave

I’m calling Uber. I’m leaving.

I’m moving to Seattle.

Nancy

You’re not in your right mind! You’re sick! Pastor, do something!

Pastor (chewing, very relaxed)

I have a friend in Seattle. He says they have the best climate there, not too hot, not too cold.

Nancy

And it’s full of the sodomites!

Pastor (giggles between sentences)

That’s right, David. You’ll really have to watch out for them sodomites. They are everywhere, just waiting to pounce on you. Never lean over a bar when ordering a drink in a place called Capitol Hill - do not lead them into temptation – you have a nice butt. Especially be weary of jogging in the parks in Tacoma alone in tight shiny pants -

Nancy (to David)

Don’t go! You’ll die out there!

Dave

If I do, promise to get a cat, and give it lots of love.

Nancy

What?

Dave’s phone beeps. He picks up his duffel bag and heads for the door. Stops, gives Nancy a hug.

Dave

Promise – a cat if I die.

He leaves.

Lights out

The End.