5G (ZOOM PLAY)

Characters:

Boo

Jo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jo

Hi Boo. How is everyone?

Boo

We are alive.

Jo

That's the main thing.

Boo

It helps having a cat. When I talk to him, he looks into my eyes and, I swear, he understands everything! Sometimes he tries to reply, opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, but it doesn't work, so he gives up.

Jo

That is very cool. My Wooffer does that too. Communication must be an interspecies thing.

Boo

Of course.... Do you wear the EMF protective hoody I got you for your birthday? Whenever you go for a walk with Wooffer?

Jo

I do. Don't worry, I walk in the park under the trees most of the time...

Boo

But you have to cross streets! People are dropping dead everywhere!

Jo

You mean being run over by cars?

Boo

No! From all those microwaves in the air!

Jo

Where are you getting that from?

Boo

I had a dream about it last night. People went outside and dropped dead. Some even evaporated right away, like they never existed.

Jo

If that was really happening, it would have been on the news, or, at least, on Facebook.

Boo

Are you kidding me! Facebook police would delete it right away! Besides, the government is covering it up by blaming Coronavirus for all the dead people, when it's really the satellites and the antennas and the smart meters they put on all the houses. A bunch of scientists all over the world have been writing petitions and warning about this for years! Why do you think the pandemic started in Wuhan! Because it was the first 5G city!

Jo

That was just one of the conspiracy theories which had been disproven.

Boo

And who disproved it! Don't be so naive! In December of 2019 China had the highest rate of diabetes that any other country in the world! And they were the first to implement 5G!

Jo

Diabetes is caused by eating too much junk food.

Boo

Skinny and starving people, and the young people, and even kids get diabetes in China!

Jo

That's because they eat too much rice.

Boo

They've been eating rice for thousands of years and it was never an issue. I'm telling you, it's the EMF, not food. In 1980 diabetes was less than 1% in China and in 2013 it jumped up to 11%. That's huge! They ate just as much rice in 1980 as in 2013.

Jo

Maybe something else happened. Like McDonalds?

Boo

Let's google it real quick....

(clicking keyboard keys while talking)

'What year did McDonalds open restaurants in China... '

In 1990....

(clicking keyboard keys all the time while talking)

Ok, check this out: McDonalds opened in 1990 and, true, the rate of diabetes increased to 2.5% in 1994. But then 3G rolled out in 2009 and right away the diabetes jumped up to 11% in 2010!

And then 5G rolls out in Wuhan, which is a capitol of Hubei province, and thousands drop dead in Hubei province, but not in the other provinces. Coincidence? No way! Look, I'm googling it now: Hubei province has had a total of 68,000 cases of coronavirus, while all other provinces only 5,000 all together, and Hubei had 4,500 deaths, while all other provinces totaled only 35 people dead! Wow! Still think it's a coincidence? This virus probably would have been completely harmless to people without the EMF radiation to lower immunity.

Jo

Hmmm. I don't know what to think, but I'll wear the EMF sweatshirt just to be safe, promise. I'll even get one for Wooffer. Did you get one for Samson?

Boo

I made him one, but he won't wear it. Cats aren't like dogs, they don't like wearing clothes. It was hard enough to force a collar on him with a shungite pendant on it. Shungite is this cool rock from Russia that helps to protect you from EMF.

Jo

Is it a pretty rock?

Boo

Not really, it's flat black, very plain. But I wear it to work, since you can't wear a sweatshirt to work.

Jo

You have a lot of EMF at work?

Boo

They have put up a bunch of 5G antennas along the MLK! They look like something demonic – black poles, smooth, tapered toward the top. Have you seen them yet? About every 30 feet... How can they even justify the cost of putting these things everywhere? They must have some horrible master plan for all that... You know what I think they'll do with them?

Jo

What?

Boo

They will have a curfew one day from like 10pm to 5am, and then they'll blast the city that night with microwaves. And then all the homeless people and all the bums sleeping in the doorways and all the party animals walking to 7-11 to get beer and cigarettes, they all will be evaporated. Then in the early morning, while it's still dark, a crew of special garbage trucks will collect all the bodies and empty tents, and burn them all. And any relatives or friends of those people will be told that they died of Covid-19.

Jo

Wow. That would make an awesome episode for Black Mirror. You really should be a writer.

Boo

I am.

Jo

A real writer who gets paid.

Boo

You know perfectly well that being able to write and having sales abilities are very different things.

Jo

And the proof of it: “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink”, that's how I feel about Netflix and Amazon Prime, and the new releases bookshelves.

Boo

What makes it especially sad, is that everyone is sitting home and needs entertainment.

Jo

Drink more. Things will seem more entertaining.

Boo

Yep. Hey! Grocery Outlet has pretty decent Rose for only $2.99 a bottle! Run over there before it's all gone.

Jo

Cheap domestic wines contain about 50 parts per billion of glyphosate. Organic wines do too, but only like 4 parts per billion.

Boo

It's the cheap wine from California and full of roundup. But I'm only drinking last night and tonight, since I have to work Monday morning.

Jo

Yeah, but you drink a whole bottle at once. Not like you only have one glass at dinner.

Boo

One glass at dinner is a waste of good wine! And bad cheap wine too. You have to be able to taste it, and to feel something, at least.

Jo

I see your point... Hey, I'll talk to you later. Wooffy needs to go out.

Boo

Put that sweatshirt on before you go!

Jo

Sit Wooffer, sit. Good boy. Do you really think that EMF radiation I get walking Wooffy is worse than a bottle of glyphosate wine for 2.99?

Boo

Of course it's worse! It affects your whole body at once. The wine only flows through the pipes and comes out the other end pretty quick. And if you divide the wine in a bottle in billion parts, how much wine would 50 of those parts be? I'd say, so little, that it would have no chance in hell of getting through my stomach lining...

Jo

Wooffy really needs to pee! He's like dancing in place... I will put on the hoody, I promise. Got to go! Bye.

INTERVIEW WITH OMICRON VIRUS (ON ZOOM)

Interviewer

Today we have a very special guest on our show – a covid virus.

Virus' screen is black.

Interviewer

Virus, are you there? We can't see you.

Coronavirus

Hold on... I'm not a computer virus...

How do I turn on the video?

Interviewer

At the bottom there is a button that says video.

The video comes on.

Virus

Hello humans.

Interviewer

Welcome to our show... Is it Mister or Miss?

Virus

It's Mix.

Interviewer

Of course, silly me, I should have known that.

Mix... Do you have a name?

Virus

You wouldn't be able to pronounce it. Just call me Mix Omi.

Interviewer

How were you able to get on zoom? I can't see you clicking the mouse – it must be the size of a planet for you? Ha ha ha.

Virus

Correct. My Person did all that. She is right here, actually, acting as an interpreter for this interview.

Interviewer

You have your own Person! Like a cat would?

Virus

Yes. You might say, I'm her pet.

Interviewer

Oh wow. Is she okay?

Omi

What do you mean?

Interviewer

Is she healthy?

Omi

I can't really talk about my Person's health history -

Interviewer (interrupts)

What I actually meant was, does she have covid?

Since she has a covid virus as a pet -

Omi (interrupts)

We made a deal. She helps me with these interviews, and she'll never get covid.

Interviewer (laughs)

Pretty sweet arrangement. So how do you talk to her?

Omi

Telepathically.

Interviewer

Do you speak English?

Omi

Yep. I'm born and raised in the US of A.

Interviewer

Not in China?

Omi

My grand-grand-grandparents were from there. I'm an American citizen.

Interviewer

I see... So-o... Mix Omi, would you like to apologize to our viewers for all those problems you caused mankind?

Omi

No. You people caused the problem. You weren't satisfied with pasture raised chickens! You wanted to eat the endangered species!

Interviewer

Actually, most of us were outraged at what those Chinese did to those poor animals! And I'm pretty sure that it's illegal now to eat bats and what not.

Omi

Anyway... We worked very hard to correct that mistake and to evolve as fast as possible to become safer for you. We want to live in peace with your species, to have a great relationship. Like you have with herpes.

Interviewer

Mx Omi, I appreciate your efforts to help. But I don't believe we want a long term relationship such as we have with herpes. I think I'm speaking for most people and would suggest to limit our interactions to something like a very light, very brief cold.

Omi

I'm here to start negotiations with you humans. As you would agree, we have you people by the balls. We are aiming for something more long term than a cold. But the recurrences won't be worse than a minor cold, and we can guarantee no ugly and painful sores anywhere on your body.

Interviewer

Eh, thanks for your offer, I guess.  I think you should be contacting Mr. Fauci or Mr. Biden.

Omi

Yeah, well, I think this should be a more democratic decision, where people would vote on this. I'm going to provide a link under the video for everyone to take a short survey.

Interviewer

All right viewers, make sure to take this short survey after you watch this.

Mix Omi, anything else you'd like to add?

Omi

No. This is all for now. Let's talk again after I get the survey results.

Interviewer

Okay. Well, thank you very much for meeting with us. And thank you, Omi's Person for your great interpreting. Bye now.

RAA (REALITY ADDICTS ANONYMOUS) MEETING (ZOOM)

Characters:

Chairperson

Sonya – a woman

Sam - a man

Roxy

Kit

Cat

________________________________________________________

Chairperson

Welcome to the regular meeting of Reality Addicts Anonymous. We have a new member with us today, so we re going to do the 1^st step. Would someone read the 1^st step please.

Sonya

I'm Sonya.

Everyone (includes Chairperson)

Hi Sonya.

Sonya

We admitted that our urge to live in the Real world and interact with Real people made our lives unmanageable.

Chairperson

Would the new member introduce themselves by first name only and tell us how their life has become unmanageable.

Sam

My name is Sam.

Everyone

Welcome Sam.

Sam

I went outside, and instead of getting into a self-driving car to go to an appointment, I just kept walking down the street.

Everyone makes a loud intake of breath as if in shock.

Sam

I didn't get very far, I got stopped by the drone police and taken back home. The court mandated that I attend these meetings now once a week.

Chairperson

Thank you Sam. Now, let us all help Sam by sharing our experiences with the 1^st step.

Roxy

I'm Roxy.

Everyone

Hi Roxy.

Roxy

I wanted to go walking in the woods. It was real bad. I felt claustrophobic in my apartment... But these meetings made me realize that walking in the virtual woods is better. I'm walking on my treadmill, so I'm getting the exercise. I'm breathing the same beneficial air, because I put the Woods essential oil into my air filter. It's better than real woods, because the virtual deer come right up to me, and the virtual cougars and bears can't attack me, unless I want them to, for fun. So, there is no reason for me to ever want to go to the real woods again. Yeah, these meetings saved my life. I had panic attacks, that's how claustrophobic I felt. But I'm okay now.

Sam

What if you wanted to swim in the ocean?

Chairperson

We do not do cross-talk. But since it's your first meeting, we'll allow it just once. Has anyone done any virtual swimming in the ocean?

Roxy

I have. It's easy. You make an ocean simulator appointment. You lie down on a sort of a sling suspended from the ceiling on like rubber bands, so you can move like as if you are swimming. It's perfectly real, but better, because it's safe, you can't drown. You can play with dolphins, octopuses, and even mermaids. And since some of those creatures are people acting those roles, the interactions can be very exciting. You can even have sex with them! It is awesome! Try it once and you're hooked.

Chairperson

Thank you Roxy. Anyone else?

Kit

I'm Kit.

Everyone

Hi Kit.

Kit

Even though I realized that having sex in the virtual reality is so much better, because everyone there is gorgeous, without a single flaw, and, of course, it is 100% safe – you can't catch anything in virtual reality... Even though I knew all that, I started craving having sex with a real person, even if they were ugly and fat and smelly...

Everyone takes in a loud breath.

Kit

So I managed to meet another person who felt the same way and we met in secret. What happened after was horrible – I caught a venereal disease and it was terribly embarrassing to admit to the doctor what I did. Of course, she had to report me, and I had to start attending these meetings. But I'm so-o glad! It could have been so much worse, I could have caught Covid-28 and became a zombie! And it was actually quite disappointing, having sex with a 'real' person....

Sam

What about love?

Chairperson

Sam, you must stop interrupting! The rules are no cross-talk! If you keep breaking the rules, I'll have to report you and you'll be docked social media points! This is your last warning! Now, who wants to answer this question?

Cat

I'm Cat.

Everyone

Hi Cat.

Cat

Love is waaay better and more meaningful in VR! Because you actually fall in love with the essence of the person, not their body, which they have no control over, unless they are filthy rich, so it is soooo much deeper and more real. Yes, more Real than Real! One's avatar reflects the innermost desire of what one wants to be, it's not bound by superficial boundaries of flesh – height, weight, skin color, sex. No – love in the Real world is not real compared to VR!

Chairperson

Thank you Cat. You made such a good point!

Everyone

Thank you Cat.

Sonya

Hi, I'm Sonya.

Everyone

Hi Sonya.

Sonya

I'm still dealing with the 1^st step. I am a mother of a teenager, who doesn't want to communicate in person anymore, only through VR. I still see her occasionally, whenever she comes out of her room, but she doesn't see me any more, she is always wearing her helmet. And soon she will be sixteen and will move out to her own apartment, and I'll never ever see her again! I mean, except in VR. But in there either, she doesn't want to hang out with her mom. I just can't get past this, I'm so depressed all the time. Thank you all for being here, I don't know what I'd do without you!

Everyone

Thank you Sonya.

Sam

I have a daughter too....

Chairperson

And you are?

Sam

What do you mean?

Chairperson

What is your name?

Sam

You all know; I already introduced myself.

Chairperson

The rules are, you always start by saying your name first.

Sam

Okay, sorry. I'm Sam.

Everyone

Hi Sam.

Sam

I, too, have a daughter, she is five. I never met her in person, only in VR. Because I am a man, I will never meet my child in person, because, you know, it's not essential. So, I meet her in VR regularly and we play games and go exploring. Actually, it's great, because all we do is have fun. I never thought about what it feels like for her mom, having to live with her, physically. I'd think it would be horribly hard. I can't imagine having no privacy! Living with someone, anyone sounds impossible, insane.

Chairperson & Everyone

Thank you Sam.

Cat

I'm Cat.

Everyone

Hi Cat.

Cat

I just want to talk about the positives of our lives. Especially for anyone new and still suffering. First, no one gets sick anymore. Second, there is no more crime, which used to be a huge problem. In the VR world we can do whatever we want: be a bird and fly, travel to other galaxies - things we never could do in the flesh. And most jobs nowdays are so much fun – like acting an animal, or an elf, or whatever character, so people can live their fantasies. And, yes, unfortunately, there are still necessary essential services that we still have to perform, like being a doctor, or a counselor, or a teacher. But divided in equal shares among everyone it takes only a fraction of our time, it makes for lots of variety, keeps us from being bored, and makes it more fun than work. And all the really awful jobs, such as doing surgery or construction, or collecting garbage, or manufacturing, are all done by machines. Since people are only taken on essential business in self-driving electric cars and airplanes, there are no more accidents. We don't kill animals anymore to eat them! The nutritious mush that we eat while being in VR becomes any food we love: ice cream, steak! There is no more racial prejudice or any discrimination at all, since no one meets anyone in person. There is no more homelessness, since we don't need houses or large apartments, and are perfectly happy in tiny studios. I could go on forever! We don't need 'reality' anymore or 'real' people interactions. We don't need to risk our health, our lives, we don't have to put up with annoying people and situations. This world we live in right now is, surely, the best it has every been in the history of the human race. Actually, I don't think we were even human before now, we were just smart apes. But now we are Real Humans.

Chairperson & Everyone together, clapping

Thank you Cat!

Chairperson

Our time is up. This was a very good meeting! See you all next week. Welcome again, Sam. Good by.

The end

Birds and the Bees

An episode for the series Escape Into the Future.

In this episode Johnny visits a future where the humans evolved into four sexes: the male and female Breeders, the Drones, and the Butterflies.

A TREE OF KNOWLEDGE

 The characters:

Rich Investor

Inventor

Rat – a hand puppet (I can provide)

Rich Investor

Hello Inventor. What new amazing product are you pitching?

Inventor

A Tree of Knowledge.

Rich Investor (sarcastically)

Like the one in Eden?

Inventor

A similar concept, but -

Rich Investor (interrupts)

You can't patent it! It's biblical, public domain.

Inventor

You can patent anything with couple of little changes.

Investor

So what's different about your tree?

Inventor

In contrast to the original tree, which caused all sorts of grief, purportedly -

Investor (interrupts)

Per – what?

Inventor

Allegedly. It's not a sin to eat from my tree. Maybe just a little, because the fruit is sinfully delicious. Ha ha ha.

Rich Investor

Explain.

Inventor

My tree would grow specialized fruits of knowledge. If you wanted to learn say chemistry, you eat a chemistry apple, and the knowledge is directly uploaded to your brain. No more cramming for tests! No need to memorize dates, names -

Rich Investor (interrupts)

Hold on, hold on. Let me see if I understand. You say I can eat an apple and somehow it would enable me to solve the problems on a math test?

Inventor

That's right! You wouldn't have to study at all! Just eat that apple.

Rich Investor

But you have to think when you do math problems. It's not enough just to know the formulas!

Inventor

Right. The fruit will teach you all the rules and the formulas, with examples. You'd still have to think a little. Not much. But most subjects are mainly memorization, like history, languages -

Investor

How does the fruit work?

Inventor

I use tiny nanobots. It's like uploading a new app on your phone, only to your brain.

Investor

Nanobots? How do they get into the brain from eating them?

Inventor

I wrap them in gluten.

Investor

Gluten?

Investor

You know, the stuff in bread.

Investor

Then why not make cupcakes of knowledge?

Inventor

We would lose a huge market. All the health-conscious moms who don't want their kids eating sweets and bread. There are millions of them, whole cities of them in California.

Investor

Why gluten anyway?

Inventor

Gluten has an ability to punch tiny holes in your intestinal walls -

Investor (interrupts)

Ugh. You give me a stomach ache!

Inventor

This happens after the stomach, down below -

Investor

Well, it doesn't sound good -

Inventor

That's why the gluten-free food is all the rage. Whole isles of it in the grocery store.

Investor

When I eat bagels for lunch they make holes in my whatnots?

Inventor

Pretty much.

Investor (angrily)

You just ruined my life!

Inventor

But those holes close up quick. If you go gluten-free for a few months -

Investor (interrupts)

I can't go gluten-free for a day! I love my bagels and croissants!

Inventor

Of course. Bread is addicting, like cocaine -

Investor (interrupts)

I really don't want to know that!

Inventor

Sorry. So I was saying: I'm using such a tiny amount of gluten to wrap my nanobots; you can't even see it without a microscope - the holes they'd make would heal in less than a day.

Investor

But those California moms will probably have an issue with that.

Inventor

Lots of foods and supplements contain nanos these days, and no one knows they are there or that they could be bad for you. Even such common things like mayonnaise and Hershey's chocolate contain nanoparticles!

Investor

Doesn't FDA care?

Inventor

Not really.

Rich Investor

So how far did you get with this product?

Inventor

I have already tested a prototype! I'll show you...

(he produces a rat puppet )

Meet Bourbon. He can’t speak, of course, he doesn't have the right throat, so he nods for yes and shakes for no. Go ahead, ask him some elementary school level math questions. Yes or no only.

Investor

This is nuts! You want me to give a rat math problems!

Inventor (begging)

Please, humor me!

Rich Investor (grunts)

I feel like an idiot. ..

Hello Bourbon. Does one plus one equal five?

Bourbon shakes his head.

Rich Investor

Is two plus one three?

Bourbon nods.

Rich Investor

Huh. How about: twenty five plus seventeen equal ….

… ehhh... hold on, I got to use a calculator... forty two?

Bourbon nods enthusiastically, almost jumping up and down.

Rich Investor

Wow! He can add better than my kid! He is one smart rat!

Inventor

Try subtraction.

Rich Investor

Ok. Bourbon, does three minus two equal five?

Bourbon shakes for no.

Rich Investor

Is it one?

Bourbon nods.

Inventor

He knows a multiplication table too!

Rich Investor

Are there any side effects?

Inventor

Not at all. My method is safe and effective. Bourbon looks happy and healthy.

Rich Investor

So, how do you get different courses in those fruits?

Inventor

Glad you asked. Each tree would be fertilized with nanobots for different subjects and different levels. Like an apple for algebra 101. We wouldn't want to put too much knowledge in any one fruit. We'll break it down, make it age appropriate, so it's not too weird. Don't keep it all in one fruit basket, as they say, ha ha ha.

Rich Investor

How much do you think they will sell for?

Inventor

I think we can charge for each fruit about what an average college charges for a 3-credit course. We would also sell fruit baskets with all the required prerequisites. Each such basket would cost slightly less than two years of college.

Rich Investor (laughs)

Not bad, not bad at all. Do you suppose federal student aid would pay for these baskets?

Inventor (laughs)

Maybe at some time later, after enough bitching that the rich have yet another unfair advantage. When they realize that it's a better deal for everyone. Since kids don't have to waste time studying, they can go get jobs right away to pay off their student loans.

Rich Investor

How much do you need right now? Would four million do?

Inventor

Yes, that would be perfect. Thank you. You won't be disappointed.

Investor

Hey, can I have one of those elementary math apples that Bourbon had? For my kid.

Inventor

Of course!

The end

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR (a murder mystery)

 Characters:

Jess Fletcher – Detective, 5'9” or taller

Matt – detective's trainee, 5'9” or taller

Daniel – Vera's son, 30-40 y.o., 5'8” or taller

Irena – caregiver, any age, some accent, a short woman 5'5” or shorter

A corpse of an old woman Mrs. Vera Rich

Scene 1: At the Crime scene.

Jess and Matt enter Mrs. Vera's bedroom. She is lying in bed on her back with her mouth open wide.

Matt steps in front of Jess, turns to him, blocking their approach to the bed.

Matt

This here is a no-brainer. I'll prove to you in two seconds that it was an accident.

Jess

Go ahead.

Matt

A stick-on glow-in-the-dark star fell from the ceiling into the lady's

open mouth and she choked on it in her sleep. Observe ...

Matt grabs a chair, stands on it, takes a string out of his pocket and holds one end of it to the spot on the ceiling where the murderous star used to be. The string drops down in a straight line into Vera's mouth.

Matt

See! Straight line. Case closed.

Jess

Hmm. Seems rather improbable.

Matt gets down from the chair. Jess bends over the corpse, looking into Vera's mouth.

Matt

Yeah, but that's what Sherlock Holmes himself said, the improbable is the truth!

Jess

It's only a part of what he said.

Matt

What was the other part?

Jess

When you've eliminated the impossible.

Matt

Ok, well, I've done that! If the star wasn't directly above the victim's mouth, that would have been impossible!

Jess too climbs up on the chair and examines the spot where the star used to be. He takes a photo of it with his cellphone.

Jess

Evidence bag.

Jess holds the little plastic bag open under another star and carefully pries it loose with a pocket knife. The star falls in the bag. Jess takes another picture of the spot where he peeled it from. Then he gently tags at couple of more stars, shakes his head.

Jess

Those stars are not loose by any means.

Matt

Yeah, well, you never know with them stupid things. They look well stuck, and then stuff comes crashing down in the middle of the night.

Jess steps down from the chair.

Jess

These stars don't have to hold any weight.

Matt

Neither do those little round thingies you put on the kitchen cabinets' doors so they don't go bang! Why do they fall off then?

Jess

I'd guess your kitchen cabinets are greasy.

Matt (offended)

I cleaned them till they were squeaky clean! I'm not an idiot!

I bet this old lady had the heat cranked up every night which loosened the stars.

Jess

Doesn't feel too warm in the room.

Matt

Maybe whoever found the body turned the heat down, to keep the corpse fresher for us, or to save electricity.

Jess (shaking his head)

This was not an accident, this was murder.

Matt

Come on! We don't need this extra work! Not with the de-funding the police situation!

Jess

No worries. If I can't solve the case by dinner time I'll let you write it off as an accident.

Let's go talk to the witnesses.

Jess and Matt walk out of the room and proceed to the living room where Irena and Daniel were waiting for them.

Jess

I am so sorry for your loss. We would like to ask you both some questions one at a time. Is there a room we can use for that?

Irena

There is a guest bedroom slash office.

Jess

Great. Please show us the way.

(turns to Daniel)

Please wait here, it shouldn't take long.

They walk into the guest bedroom/office. It has a futon that's folded up for sitting on, and a desk with a chair. Jess and Irena sit on the couch, Matt sits down in a chair, turns on his cellphone to record.

Jess

What's your name and what is your relationship to the deceased?

Irena (sniffling as if after crying)

I am Irena, Vera's caregiver. I am here full-time, nights too, because she wakes up in pain or to pee.

Jess

When do you sleep?

Irena

I sleep when she sleeps. When she needs me she pushes a button - a doorbell I stuck to her headboard, and it's loud enough to wake me.

Jess

Did she ring for you last night?

Irena

No. Maybe it's my fault, maybe she did and I slept through it.

Irena starts crying.

Jess

It's not your fault. What time did you go to check on her?

Irena (still crying)

The moment I woke up, at 6. I woke up suddenly and felt something was wrong. So I ran to her room.

Jess

I am so very sorry. It must have been horrible for you.

Irena

So I called Daniel, her son, right away, and he came back as fast as he could, and then he called the police.

Jess

Does he live here?

Irena

Yes, but he spends many nights at his girlfriend's place.

Jess

Describe what you all did the night before.

Irena

It was a very nice evening. Daniel bought a cake, and we all had tea and played scrabble. Then we put Vera to bed. Daniel left, I drank more tea and read a book until I fell asleep.

Jess

Must have been a boring book?

Irena

No, it was a very fun book. I think I got sleepy from eating too much cake.

Jess

Does it happen often that you fall asleep reading?

Irena

Sometimes. But only when I read in bed. I don't recall last time I fell asleep reading on the couch. Not while working here.

Jess gave Matt a significant glance.

Jess

Did you make the tea last night?

Irena

I did the first pot, and then Daniel made the next.

Jess

Did you give Vera her medications last night?

Irena

Yes, I always do, it is my job.

Jess

Does she take sleeping pills?

Irena

Just one. I make sure she eats it – I ask her to open her mouth to show me.

Jess

Why is that?

Irena

Because one time she asked me to let her keep the bottle, and I said no. I don't trust her with those pills or the pain killers. They are addicting, bad for her. Her doctor said I have to make sure that she only takes what's prescribed and no more.

Jess

What are pain killers for?

Irena

She has … had very bad arthritis in her back and her legs.

Jess

What else was wrong with her health?

Irena

What wasn't! But the worst thing is, she was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I was very sad for her, and also that I won't be able to keep working here because she has to go to a nursing home soon.

Jess

Between you and Daniel, couldn't you keep her home?

Irena

He is very sweet, a very good son, he would like to. But he cannot be stuck here 24-7 to help me lift her up. I can't lift her by myself.

Jess

Who put those stars up for her above her bed?

Irena

I did. Vera asked me to do that, she wanted to look up and see the night sky above her. It was a big pain. I had to get a step ladder from the shed to do it, because I'm not tall enough to do it standing on a chair.

Jess gave Matt another significant look, at which Matt shrugged his shoulders, rounded his eyes and shook his head, as if saying, I don't get it, so what.

Jess

Would you say you pressed hard on the stars?

Irena (starts crying again)

Ohh, no! It's all my fault, if I only pressed harder!

Matt (giving Jess a significant look)

So you didn't press hard?

Irena

Oi, I don't know. Maybe not hard enough. I was too nervous being so high up on the ladder, I wanted to be done fast. It's all my fault...

Jess

It's not your fault dear. Stop punishing yourself. This is not your fault.

Matt, tell Vera's son to come in here, then go with Vera to the kitchen and get the teapot.

Matt and Irena walk out. Jess walks over to the bookcase, looks at the books. He notices a lot of Agatha Christie and other mysteries.

Daniel comes in. Jess invites him to sit down on the futon.

Jess

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Daniel

Thank you.

Jess

My name is Jess Fletcher -

Daniel (mumbles)

Like in Murder She Wrote -

Jess

What?

Daniel

Jessica Fletcher was the detective in Murder She Wrote. Mom loved that show.

Jess

That's a funny coincidence, I guess.

Daniel

Have you seen the show?

Jess

I watched it with my grandpa when I was a kid.

Daniel

Is that when you decided you wanted to be a detective?

Jess

Mysteries were always my favorite; Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot -

Daniel

Which detective was your role model?

Jess

Monk. But I'm definitely not as OCD.

Daniel

Yeah, I remember Monk, my mom loved that show as well.

This sad accident must be quite boring for you.

Jess

Not at all. I'm not sure it's an accident.

Daniel

Really? What else could it possibly be?

Jess

That's what I'm here to find out.

Matt walks in carrying a teapot.

Daniel (angrily)

What are you doing with that?

Jess

We are going to have to borrow it for a day or two.

Daniel

Why?

Jess

Standard procedure.

Daniel

Please be very careful with it! It's vintage and my mom's favorite!

It has sentimental value for me!

Jess

We promise to take good care of it.

Daniel (grumbling angrily)

You should be solving real crimes. I see on Nextdoor Neighbor a car gets stolen almost every night. The taxpayers' dollars would be better spent if you looked for those cars.

Jess

We have someone working those cases as we speak.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Daniel

No.

Jess

Did your mom have any relatives?

Daniel

No.

Jess

What time did you leave here last night?

Daniel

About 9 pm.

Jess

Where were you between then and when you came here this morning?

Daniel

I was at my girlfriend's.

Jess

Were you there the whole time? Did you step out for any reason? Like to go to a store, to have a cigarette?

Daniel (angrily)

I didn't go anywhere, and I don't smoke!

Jess

Please calm down, these questions are perfectly standard.

Daniel

Feels like I'm being attacked! Oh, well, fine by me, attack all you want. I spent the night at my girlfriend's, and she'll verify that.

Jess

That's to be expected from a girlfriend. That she would back you up.

Daniel (sarcastically)

Too bad she wouldn't go for a threesome.

Jess

A threesome would definitely hold more weight. An orgy would be really excellent.

Daniel (sarcastically)

Unfortunately for me there was no one else in our bed last night. And before you ask, no, we don't have a video camera in our bedroom, either.

Jess

Did your mother have a will?

Daniel

Of course she did. And yes, she is leaving the house to me. That's a pretty normal thing to do for a parent with just one child.

Jess

Have you picked a nursing home to move your mom to?

Daniel

Not yet.

Jess

Seems like that's something you wouldn't want to put off until the last minute.

Daniel

And I'm kicking myself for procrastinating, because if I'd moved her to a nursing home already, she'd still be alive. But I was in denial, I guess. And she kept saying she didn't want to go.

Jess

Did she have long-term care insurance?

Daniel

No. Those things are very expensive and they only cover a couple of years in a nursing home. Not worth it. What we do is provide Irena with room and board plus expenses.

Jess

What expenses?

Daniel

Like anything she needs, clothes, gas, use of a car.

Jess

No salary?

Daniel

No. Just expenses.

Jess

I don't suppose she reports her income to the IRS?

Daniel

There isn't really any income.

Jess

Renting a room in this town costs at least $600 a month, so she should have reported at least that much and paid self-employment tax.

Daniel (angrily)

Poor woman is below poverty! And you want to rob her of the little bit she has!

Any way, this is no longer an issue. She will be moving out shortly. And if you have a heart at all, you would not report her!

Jess

She doesn't have to worry about me. Thank you for your time. That will be all. Please leave your contact information with my assistant for in case we have any more questions for you. Again, my sincere condolences.

Jess takes the teapot and leaves the room. Matt approaches Daniel with his cellphone ready.

Scene 2. Case solved.

Matt walks into Jess's office carrying two lattes, a small paper bag and some napkins. He puts the lattes and the napkins on the desk, holds the open end of the bag towards Jess.

Matt

A chocolate croissant for you, detective, and a donut for me. In accordance with our ranks.

Jess smiles, reaches into the bag and takes out his croissant. He bites into the pastry and sips from his paper cup.

Jess

Shut the door please and sit down.

Matt does that.

Jess

I solved the case.

Matt

In just a couple of hours! That's got to be your new record.

Jess

It's quite simple. The victim needs to go to a nursing home. Medicare doesn't pay for nursing homes. She'll have to apply for Medicaid. Medicaid would put a Recovery lien on her house and when she died, the house would have to be sold to pay for all her medical expenses, every toilet paper roll she used. In such a case, most likely, her son would get nothing left over from the sale of the house. But now he inherits the house, which would sell for over $400,000.

Matt

But Daniel didn't want her to go to nursing home. He didn't even bother to look into those.

Jess

Exactly. As I just explained, it wasn't a good option.

Matt

So Daniel has the motive. But there were only caregiver's fingerprints, from when the stars was put up originally.

Jess

He is not an idiot, he wore gloves.

Matt

Okay. But he didn't get back to the house until after the caregiver found the old lady and called him!

Jess

That's exactly how he'd want it to look. However, the caregiver was unusually sleepy after they all had tea together. I think he put something in that tea to make the caregiver sleep deeper than normal.

Matt

The forensics found nothing.

Jess

I'm sure he scrubbed the teapot with soap to be sure.

Matt

Ok, we still have nada.

Jess

Here's what happened: Daniel slipped out in the middle of the night from his girlfriend's side, who also slept extra soundly after drinking his special tea blend. He came back to the house to choke the victim and left again.

Matt

But we couldn't prove it in a million years.

Jess

If he brought his cellphone with him, there is a location history on it. Unless he turned it off in settings, but most people don't bother, or don't even know it's there.

Matt

Awesome! Let's get a warrant to look at his phone.

Jess

You haven't been eating your donut?

Matt

Oh, right.

Matt takes a bite of the donut, washes it down with a latte.

Jess

When I said I solved the case, I came to a conclusion, but not what I originally thought. It wasn't murder, it was an assisted suicide agreed on between the mother and son.

Matt

How do you figure?

Jess

The victim had three times the amount of sleeping pills in her blood.

Matt

If she wanted to die why wouldn't she take the whole bottle all at once!

Jess

Remember: the caregiver was in charge of medications and made Vera open her mouth to make sure she swallowed the pill.

Matt

Then how did the old lady get the extra pills?

Jess

It would have been very difficult to do. Maybe she started saving the pills before the caregiver started checking her mouth. Or maybe some nights she didn't check. Or maybe Daniel asked his doctor to prescribe him some.

Matt

If he did, he could have given her the whole bottle at once.

Jess

No. It would be too obvious that she got them from him. She had just barely enough sleeping pills not to wake up when she couldn't breathe. He might have even had to hold a pillow over her face to be sure.

Matt

That 's awful! I could never do it to my mom.

Jess

Not even if she was dying and in a lot of pain? Besides, she was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. So she had to hurry before she forgot to do it.

Matt (mouth full with the remainder of the donut)

But assisted suicide isn't legal in our state.

Jess

Correct. But don't you think it should be?

Matt

I guess... I never really gave it much thought. But we have to follow the law. So do I go get the warrant for his phone?

Jess

Well, it would be the only possible evidence that would count, but only if he hadn't disabled the locations history setting. But he would have, wouldn't he?

Matt

Yeah, that's probably what he did. I mean, if he was smart about everything else, he'd have been about this too.

Jess

So it would seem a waste of time and resources to bother getting a warrant. Especially now with de-funding the police situation. Unless we could know for sure beforehand.

Matt

Yeah, why don't I just call and ask him.

Matt opens the folder, looks up Daniel's number, picks up the phone and dials.

Matt

Is this Daniel? … This is Matt, the detective's assistant. I have a quick question for you. Do you by any chance have locations history setting disabled on your cellphone? … Yeah, phones do that. … Yeah, I didn't know that either. … Oh, ok, thanks. That's all. Bye.

Matt hangs up the phone and looks up at Jess, who almost chokes on his croissant, while suppressing laughter.

Matt

What? … Ohhh, you tricked me, didn't you?

Jess

No-o-o, never. I just wanted to make sure we weren't using the taxpayers' money irresponsibly.

Jess picks up the folder and hands it to Matt.

Jess

Just file this as not having sufficient evidence to come to any conclusions other than an unfortunate accident.

Matt

Yes detective.

Matt leaves the office with a folder.

The end.