The Characters:
The Queen – a beautiful woman around 40’s
The Mirror - a man’s voice
Snow White - a pretty young woman
Wolf - a handsome man
Seven Dwarves - a middle-aged man able to act very different characters
SCENE 1: AT THE PALACE
The Queen, a beautiful woman in her 40's asks her Mirror playfully
Queen
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of all?
Mirror
Snow White.
Queen
You're out of your mind!
Mirror (sarcastically, angrily)
You are right! I am completely out, literally. Since my mind is all that’s left of me.
Queen
You asked to be turned into a mirror so you could admire me twenty-four-seven.
Mirror
Stuck on the wall all the time gets pretty dull, no matter how good the view is. Only Snow White brightens my day when she polishes me with a soft cloth.
Queen
So she isn't really prettier? She just rubs you the right way.
Mirror (wistfully)
I wish I wasn't so shallow before.
Queen
You have it backwards - you're less than a quarter inch thick - you're definitely more shallow now.
Mirror
If only I appreciated goodness over a pretty face I wouldn't be in this predicament.
Queen
I can solve your problem right now! I can smash you to pieces! Just say the word.
Mirror
Not yet. I'm not ready for the oblivion...
Queen
In that case shut up about your pathetic regrets.
The Queen rings the bell. Snow White enters dressed as a maid, curtsies.
Snow White
Yes mistress?
Queen
I’ve been thinking about your poor old grandmother, whom I exiled years ago. I'm suddenly feeling concerned about her. Perhaps you should take a basket of pies to her.
Snow White
How very sweet of you! I’d love to. But I don’t know where she lives.
Queen
If she is still alive, you’ll find her in the middle of the Forest.
Snow White
But ... there are hungry wolves there!
Queen
Throw them a couple of pies. Off you go into the kitchen and start baking immediately. I want you to leave as soon as the pies are out of the oven, so they are nice and fresh when you reach your grandma.
SCENE 2 - WOODS
Snow White is walking across the stage decorated with trees carrying a basket and wearing a red hoodie. Wolf enters.
Wolf
Hello Red Riding Hood.
SNOW WHITE
My name is Snow White.
Wolf
You are what you wear.
SNOW WHITE
I thought it was "you are what you eat."
Wolf
Would I become you if I ate you?
SNOW WHITE (worried)
No, of course not! Are you hungry? Here, have a meat pie.
Wolf (biting into the pie)
Don’t worry, I’m a gentleman! I don’t eat ladies without their permission.
SNOW WHITE
I can’t imagine anyone being okay with that.
Wolf (chewing)
Actually, it happens a lot...
That’s a real good pie!
SNOW WHITE
I’m taking these pies to my grandmother.
Do you by any chance know where she lives?
Wolf
I do. The directions will cost you one more pie.
SNOW WHITE (hands him another pie)
I am so lucky to have run into you!
Wolf
It’s your lucky day. Follow this deer path and you’ll come to your grandma’s house.
SNOW WHITE
Thank you very much. Bye.
Wolf runs off. Snow White keeps walking.
SCENE 3: GRANDMA’S HOUSE
Wolf sits in the chair, reading a book. He is wearing a long robe with long sleeves that cover his paws. He has glasses on. His neck and his head are wrapped in a scarf. Snow White enters.
Wolf
Hello granddaughter.
SNOW WHITE
Hi grandma. How did you know who I was?
Wolf
You’re a split image of your mother.
SNOW WHITE (sadly)
I don’t remember her at all, she died when I was a baby.
Wolf
Poor dear. Sit down. Let’s have some of those meat pies, I’m hungry like the wolf.
SNOW WHITE
How did you know I brought meat pies?
Wolf
I can smell them. I’ve become a wild beast living here in the woods! All my senses increased tenfold.
SNOW WHITE (sitting down next to Wolf, staring)
Actually... your nose is quite beastly – so huge and hairy.
Wolf
Noses grow all your life, did you know that? And the facial hair, well, that starts after the menopause. Something you can look forward to -
SNOW WHITE (interrupts, exclaims)
You are not my grandma, you are the Wolf!
Wolf
I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. I didn’t want to you to get upset. Your grandma had arthritis real bad and was in constant pain. So she asked me to eat her. Trust me, I didn’t enjoy it one bit, I did it strictly as a favor! She was all skin and bones.
SNOW WHITE (sighs, shrugs)
I didn’t know her anyway. Take off that ridiculous scarf and lets have some pies.
(chewing a pie)
Were you friends with my grandma?
Wolf (chewing a pie)
Oh yes, very good friends. I was her puppy.
SNOW WHITE
Did she tell you what she did to get exiled?
Wolf
When his wife died, the king married again. How is he doing by the way?
Snow White
Dead of a heart attack.
Wolf
I bet the evil queen poisoned him. And she banished the old queen’s mother to get her out of the way.
SNOW WHITE
But if she was my grandmother that means... I am a princess!
Wolf
I reckon that’s why you’re here now: the queen wanted you out of the way, too. You’ll love living in the woods! The quiet and the fresh air are wonderful! I’ll catch rabbits for your stew.
SNOW WHITE
Thank you.
Seven Dwarves enters carrying a bunch of firewood. He drops the bundle, grabs a rifle, aims at the Wolf.
Seven Dwarves
Wolf! You killed Grandma! Prepare to die!
Snow White jumps in front of the Wolf.
SNOW WHITE
Don’t shoot!
Seven Dwarves
Who are you?
Snow White
I am Snow White, I came to visit my grandmother. And who are you?
Seven Dwarves
We are the Seven Dwarves.
SNOW WHITE
Seven? I only see one man…
Wolf
He has a split personality disorder.
SNOW WHITE
And you don’t look like a dwarf.
Wolf (snickering)
Perhaps the seven of them are stacked vertically.
SEVEN DWARVES (aiming a gun at the Wolf again)
Shut up fleabag!
SNOW WHITE
Stop it! Put the gun down!
SEVEN DWARVES (lowers the gun)
You shouldn’t trust him. He is devious.
Wolf (to Snow White, pointing at Seven Dwarves)
He has seven personalities inside that head! So who is devious?
SNOW WHITE
Seven, why don’t you introduce yourselves.
Doc (shakes Snow White’s hand)
I’m Doc, nice to meet you. If any of my brothers annoy you, let me know. Also, if you have any health issues or problems, or just need to talk, I’m here for you.
Dopey (kisses Snow White’s hand)
I’m Dopey. Doc thinks he’s the boss of us, but he ain’t. I’d share my private stash of shrooms with you. Just say the word.
Bashful (shy, looks down)
Bashful.
Happy (smiling, gives Snow White a hug )
Happy. It’s my name – Happy, but I’m also happy to meet you. If you’re feeling blue, count on me to cheer you up.
Sleepy (yawns)
Sleepy. Please don’t call on me before noon.
Sneezy (sneezes)
I’m Sneezy … sorry, allergies.
Grumpy (mumbles grumpily)
Grumpy. I’m not really into socializing, so I doubt we’ll be talking much.
SNOW WHITE
Very nice to meet you all! Where do you live?
SEVEN DWARVES
Here.
SNOW WHITE
Why don’t you live in your own cabin?
SEVEN DWARVES-Doc
I had to keep a close eye on your grandmother due to her health issues.
SEVEN DWARVES-Dopey
Ha! Bullshit. Grandma was a cougar.
SNOW WHITE (innocently)
What do you mean?
Wolf
She
enjoyed being romantically involved with younger men.
SEVEN DWARVES-Dopey
Not only men, either, so I’ve heard.
Wolf
Shut up Dopey!
SEVEN DWARVES -Dopey
What’ you going to do about it? You can’t eat me – I am a part of The Collective. You'd be eating six other innocent people.
SNOW WHITE (yawns)
I’ve walked a long way and I’m tired. Where can I sleep?
SEVEN DWARVES - Dopey
There is only one bed. We don’t mind sharing it with you.
Snow White (indignant)
As grandma’s only living heir I inherit the bed and this cabin.
Seven Dwarves – Doc
Of course you do. Dopey was very rude. We’ll leave and sleep outside and probably be eaten by wolves. It was nice meeting you.
Snow White
You can stay here. If you don’t mind sleeping on the floor.
Seven Dwarves – Happy
That’s very kind of you. We’ll be happy to sleep on the floor.
Seven Dwarves leads her to one side of the stage, points.
SEVEN DWARVES
This was your grandmother’s bedroom, now yours.
SEVEN DWARVES -Dopey
But any time you’re feeling lonely, I’ll be right here.
SCENE 4: AT THE PALACE
The Queen asks the mirror again the same question
Queen
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the prettiest of all?
Mirror’s Voice
Snow White.
The Queen stomps, kicks a chair, screams.
SCENE 5: THE CABIN
Snow White is whirling around, prettily waving a fluffy duster. Knocking on the door. Snow White dances up to the door, lets in the Queen wearing a witch’s Halloween rubber mask and a hooded cloak.
Queen
I am the Forest Witch. I heard of your arrival and wanted to stop by to welcome you.
SNOW WHITE
Come in, sit down. Would you like some tea?
Queen (sits)
No thank you. I only have a moment.
Is it true that you lived in the palace before?
SNOW WHITE
Yes it is.
Queen
Are you planning on going back?
SNOW WHITE
No. I prefer the company in these woods.
Queen
Why?
SNOW WHITE
To be honest, the queen is a bitch.
Queen
Really? I hear only good things about her.
SNOW WHITE
From whom? No one likes her.
Queen
She has a river of suitors, who swear their love!
SNOW WHITE
They don't know her. The unlucky one she chooses will curse the day.
Queen (stands up to go)
I almost forgot - I brought you a housewarming gift.
The Queen hands Snow White an apple, Snow White smiles, bites into the apple, chews and collapses on the floor. Queen laughs an evil laugh and leaves.
Seven Dwarves comes in, sees Snow White, screams. Wolf runs in.
Wolf
I heard the screaming. What’s wrong? Oh dear! What happened to her?
Seven Dwarves picks up the bitten apple, hands it to Wolf, who smells it.
Wolf
This smells like black magic, like toads and rats and stuff.
Doc
Help me lift her up.
Wolf and Doc lift Snow White and put her on the table.
Doc listens to her heart, checks her pulse.
SEVEN DWARVES - Doc
She is breathing. She is asleep.
SEVEN DWARVES - Dopey (yells)
Wake up, wake up!
Doc
Hmmmm. She is obviously enchanted. However, most such spells can be broken by a True Love’s Kiss.
Happy
That’s great news! We all truly love her!
All Seven Dwarves kiss Snow White. Nothing.
Doc
Perhaps the kiss needs to be deeper, more heartfelt.
Dopey
A french kiss! With tongue and everything.
Doc
Let's try it again.
Seven Dwarves leans over Snow White, their shoulders and behinds moving with the efforts. She remains asleep.
Dopey
I think the kiss might need to be somewhere other than on the mouth. Maybe there is a sweet spot that she needs kissed.
Doc
What
are you suggesting!
Dopey
I'm just saying we need to give it our best shot, to try kissing every inch of her body!
Doc
I believe we need to look for some other handsome young man. We’re just not appealing to her.
Dopey
Her eyes are closed! I say, this ‘kiss’ should be more like licking, and it should make her feel sooo good, she’ll jump right up.
Grumpy
She’ll never wake up, she’ll starve to death.
Dopey
Which means we need to keep trying! To be creative!
Hey, guys, this could be our only chance to get laid!
Like in ‘ever’!
Wolf (growling)
You’re not defiling this innocent maiden!
Dopey
We wouldn't be good friends if we hadn't at least tried kissing her everywhere.
Doc (grabs the hem of her skirt starts to lift it)
Well, I suppose, that would make logical sense...
(drops the skirt again)
Wait. Wolf hasn't kissed her on the mouth yet. Wolf, do you love Snow White?
Wolf
Yes, I do. But I'm an animal.
Doc
Haven't you heard about a princess kissing a frog?
Wolf
No. What about it?
Doc
The frog was really a prince, and a kiss turned him back into one. I think you might be like that frog.
Wolf
Why do you think that?
Doc
For one, normal wolves don’t talk.
Wolf kisses her. She opens her eyes, yawns. Wolf grabs his head, and the wolf mask comes right off. He stares at it in shock, then flings it away.
Snow White
You are so handsome, Wolf!
Wolf pulls off his tail and wraps it around Snow White’s neck like a fur stole.
Snow White (to Wolf)
So you were actually a prince turned into a wolf!
What’s your name, where is your kingdom?
Wolf
I don’t remember. Might have gotten mad cow disease from some cows I ate a while back.
Doc
I’d like to try hypnosis to help you remember.
Wolf (excitedly)
And then we’ll go to my kingdom, get married, gather my army, kill the evil queen, combine our two kingdoms and live happily ever after!
Snow White
Lets wait with all that and stay here a while in the woods.
(to Seven Dwarves)
How about some privacy!
Seven Dwarves (backing out, apologizing)
Sorry. Sorry. Of course. Sorry.
Snow White and Wolf embrace.
The End
No comments:
Post a Comment